Since I couldn’t afford plane tickets to go to the World Series Of Beer Pong 2 this year, I bought tickets to see Les Miserables. As I said in my old blog (currently lost in the ether as I try to figure out how to transfer a Wordpress ARchive to Movable type), one of the things I’ve discovered down here that I enjoy is various culturey crap that I never would have gone to upstate. A couple of weeks ago I went to see the New York Philharmonic and this week, Les Miz.
Officially, Les Miz is the best musical I’ve ever seen, rocketing to the top spot and knocking Rent to Second place.
One thing I’ve realized after going to two shows in the last couple of weeks (Along with the touring version of Aida over Thanksgiving) is that I loathe crowds. Not in the “Oh my god, the walls are closing in” kind of way, but more in the “Oh my god, if that woman in front of me coughs one more time I’m going to give her a violent tracheotomy” kind of way. I wondered why, in the last few years, I’d completely stopped going to movies, and going to three “artsy” shows in the last six weeks opened my eyes. The reason I stopped going to theaters is simply that I can’t stand being around people, especially when I can wait three months and see it on DVD in the comfort of my own couch, at my own volume, without a running commentary going on behind me.
In honor of my new discovery, I’d like to present the top five people whom I’d like to scald with a cup of hot coffee during a show at which I paid more the $100 to see.
5) Coughers: I do understand that the tourists (and, to be fair, some of the locals) need to buy their tickets months in advance to go to a show. This is why I don’t put these people higher on the list. When you bought the ticket in May, you probably didn’t know you’d have the whooping cough come January. Since Broadway isn’t huge on “refunds” and since you might live in Yahoosville, Idaho for 51 weeks out of the year, you suck it up and go to the show. I understand. What I don’t understand is why people haven’t discovered the benefit of “cough drops” or “Thera-flu” to help them get the gagging under control. And, if you don’t bring it under control, could it be possible to, I dunno, cough under your breath instead of sounding like you’re trying to expel a whole chicken breast? That would be excellent. The orchestra already has a percussionist… it doesn’t help if you try to cough to the beat, either. While some might find it fun, most others want to kill you.
4) Eaters: I know that 2.5 hours is a long time to go without stuffing Raisenettes down your gullet, but seriously. Why do people fail to realize that trying to get out a Dorito slowly doesn’t make it quieter, it just makes noise for longer? Surprisingly enough, people don’t seem to wait to until loud parts of the musical, but instead find it necessary to open their sealed Coke, SLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWLY, during the exact moment when the orchestra goes down and the singer is trying to have an emotional moment. Nothing says “my love just died” like listening to CO2 sizzle out of bottle. But, naturally, it’s much quieter and better if you do it slowly instead of just ripping it open. The long, slow, loud hiss is much better than the single quick loud hiss.
3) Late-Comers: Obviously you think you’re far too important, and you want everyone to realize you’re important, but why do you spend hundreds of dollars on musical tickets and walk in an hour late? At that point, why bother? No one thinks you’re important for blowing off your expensive tickets until an hour into the performance, in fact, they all think you’re assholes. If you show up in an “I’m so important” suit, you just scored double asshole points. Congratulations. This also goes for people who also just can’t make it to Intermission without going to the bathroom. They have drugs for that now, look into them.
2) Cell-Phoners & Talkers: Surprisingly enough, I’m not interested in your running commentary or if you think the little kid in the musical is so cute. I don’t need to hear you ask your friend “what instrument that is” or “who did it”. To answer your question, yes I think that guy is probably gay, he’s a dancer. Here’s a hint, genius, unless you pay attention, you’re not going to follow a musical. Also, if you’re talking to your buddy gal, the people next to you, in front of you, and behind you can all hear your conversation, and we paid money to hear the people on the stage, not behind us. Also, there is a special level of hell reserved for people who take out their cell phone and check the time. You’re not so important that you can’t go three hours without getting a phone call. You can tell Buffy what shade of lip gloss to wear at 10pm and, if you can’t, she’ll just have to man up and decide on your own. You realize, when you’re talking over something people specifically paid money to hear, the only thing keeping you not murdered is the fact it would raise more of a ruckus? Keep in mind, when you’re talking, the person in front of you could be two seconds from jamming their housekeys in your eye and it’s likely no one sitting around you would stop him.
1) People who bring kids who obviously don’t want to be there: You know what I didn’t want to do when I was eight years old? Sit and watch a musical. If your kid can’t sit still through dinner; guess what? Sitting still in a dark theater for three hours isn’t for them. I don’t care if you think exposing your kid to culture will make them more well rounded. It won’t. In fact, they won’t even remember it by the time they go across the street to the giant Toys R Us in Times Square. That’s all they’re thinking about. If you give them candy or food to shut them up, congratulations, you just went off the chart by also joining category four and, if you scold them, you’re in category two, also. People in this category are the same people who bring little Timmy angel to a nice restaurant and continue having their meal while little Timmy is running around the restaurant playing pirate while people in suits and gowns are trying to eat their overpriced steak and laughing at unfunny stock market jokes. Timmy should be moved to an orphanage, or to whatever nanny takes care of him if she wants him while mom and dad are euthanized. Really, it’s better for everyone in the long run. Just because you don’t hear your angel when he incessantly whines doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t. Quick litmus test, if little Madison needs toys to stay occupied while you’re out for more than a minute, little Madison needs to stay home for another year, you inconsiderate douchebag.
This is why I have Netflix. My goal in life, now, is to be rich enough to have private theater performances.