One New York Life

Not nearly as good as I wanted it to be. Predictable finish (of course) where Vince Vaughn realizes that everything he’s been honest about for years isn’t really what he wants. Funniest part of the movie was Vaughn’s high school buddy who married Vaughn’s divorced mother and it wasn’t given nearly enough time. Also, can anyone explain to me why both main characters’ Northern California families — except Jon Voight, who probably said “what is this bull-sh*t?” — have southern accents? When was the decision made that every “off” person in new movies must have a Southern accent regardless of what region of the country they actually live?

Being as this movie was marketed as “From the director of Superbad” and starred Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader, I made the assumption it was a comedy. I was blindsided by it actually being the latest volume of “The Suburbs Really Really Really Suck”. I was another in (apparently) a long line of people who fell for the FROM THE DIRECTOR OF SUPERBAD!!! marketing. Maybe I was extra-annoyed because I went in expecting a light-hearted comedy and instead got Garden State 2.

Only people who go to college are enlightened and normal Mr. Director. Everyone else is clueless or a douchebag. We got it. Really.

Ever watched a movie so bad it actually made you angry? This is that movie. The “plot” at the end was fine holy crap did the set up to get there involve some of the worst nonsense ever — including a bank teller threatening to send a kid to jail because she gave the wrong person the account’s money. This after the kid leaves the school and drives off into the middle of nowhere with the creepy porn producer.

Is this something else to blame on Kim Bauer? I’d have to go with yes.

An entire 90 minute movie and a trip to Germany based on the premise that someone blocked your E-MAIL address? F*ckin… really? Who wrote this movie? A 95-year-old retired coal miner?

Other than that — nothing says funny like a movie that hits on every good European stereotype.

I finally saw this on the train coming back from Boston. I remain one of the only people on Earth that doesn’t get the whole Gwyneth Paltrow thing.

I was never an Iron Man fan (I followed X-Books and Superman almost exclusively) so I can’t argue any specifics about how well it follows canon or anything. But from what I know of Tony Stark, it seemed like a great portrayal. If I had one complaint it was that Robert Downey Jr played Tony Stark a little too close to Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne. Downey, however does the character much better than Bale. I don’t buy Bale’s rich playboy as much as Downey’s… probably because Downey’s been that guy for quite some time.

I’m really glad I didn’t have a teacher cruel enough to assign me this book in fifth grade. Instead, we got to read the infinitely cooler A Wrinkle In Time. What is it about children’s authors from the 70s who thought writing horrifically sad books would make 12-year-olds enjoy reading? It’s going on 25 years since I read Where The Red Fern Grows and, not only would I never read it again, I’d never suggest anyone read it, and I still hate Wilson Rawls. If you haven’t read it — never do. The end of the Futurama episode Jurassic Bark is the only thing that comes close to being more sad.

Of course, the sad part of the movie was very much marginalized. It was quickly done (off camera), just as quickly over, and they moved right on to his “recovery”. The final scene between Jesse, Leslie, and Prince Terrien — in the rain with her looking over her shoulder and waving good-bye — was sadder then anything that happened during the mop-up

I didn’t get it, I guess. The major plot point didn’t even seem like it was that big a part of the movie.

Bleh.

I was happy when this popped up on the Netflix list but it left me kind of disappointed. It took way too long to get going and it seemed like a collection of disjointed scenes that kind of pulled from the plot. I assume this was partially because of the source material being a 300 page graphic novel. Looking back at the movie after having seen it all, I don’t really understand what the son’s run-in with the bully added. To show that having a dad outed as a mobster magically turned a wuss son in to a badass? I didn’t buy the bully wanting to beat the son up for catching an out in softball. And I certainly didn’t then buy the son suddenly turning in to a fighting machine and taking out the bully and a friend.

It just left me feeling very… bleh. Slow start, sex scene, random carnage, over. I put the graphic novel on the library list. We’ll see how that goes.

I’m a sucker for heist movies — the more ridiculous the better. Give me one that has a group of guys hacking in to the Los Angeles Traffic Software and driving Mini-Coopers through subway tunnels along with blowing up a section of Hollywood Boulevard to drop an armored car in to said tunnels and I’m a happy guy.

That said, I was very disappointed in Ed Norton’s character not figuring out to screw with the weights of the three armored trucks such that the heaviest truck was the one NOT carrying the gold. I guess that’s supposed to be part of his character’s “lack of imagination.” It didn’t allow Marky Mark’s character to come up with some ridiculous insight or gut instinct to figure out which truck it was in. “Steve would never drive the truck northwest on a Tuesday. That magnetic properties of the sun would make the gold heavier and the truck would go slower. It’s got to be truck three!!!” Something like that.

Great formulaic heist movie. I need to watch the original.

I think I would have enjoyed this movie more if it was filmed in California or something. The problem for me was dealing with the idiotic decisions Tom Cruise makes in his absurd trek from North Jersey to Boston. For instance… a ferry? Dude travels three hours up the Hudson River and decides to take a ferry instead of driving, literally, 20 more minutes north to take a bridge? And, if that bridge wasn’t there anymore, there’s one another five minutes north… then another five minutes north… then another ten minutes north. Worst route to Boston ever. Seriously. A ferry? Dude goes to take a ferry when he’s just seen people get turned in to dust? We’re worried about staying away from people who might want to steal your car but you immediately go to a chokepoint? How does he know the ferry’s running? Wouldn’t it make worlds more sense to try and find a bridge since, you know, you don’t need a person to operate one?

I find the whole thing kind of ridiculous. I remember reading that this movie was “great science-fiction.” Maybe the original book was great science-fiction… but the movie decided that the bad-guys had been monitoring Earth for a million years. They’ve been watching that long but couldn’t figure out what would bring about their end?

I guess it could have been worse. The monsters could have invaded a planet that was 80% water while being deathly allergic to water.

Also, there’s nothing quite as funny as 5’4″ worth of Tom Cruise overpowering 6’5″ worth of Tim Robbins.

Fever Pitch was on this past weekend so I watched. All I can say is, moving forward, the Red Sox Nation deserves every bit of ire and bile they get for this movie.

Besides the fact that it’s formulaic, awful, and features only one good part (the part where Jimmy Fallon’s character is forcing his friends to bid on various games in his season ticket package by either giving him stuff or doing things for him… “You want to talk Yankees? Dance for me.”); it also helps perpetuate the stereotype that men must give up everything they like for their relationship to be successful. Way to teach the boys of the future generations to be pushovers, asses.

The Farrelly Brothers suck.