One New York Life

Due to my current situation of being on antibiotics following vacation, I can sadly not consume alcohol for the next five weeks. I have one first draft left in the hopper (the last Sam Barrel Room) which will go up next week.

Everyone who knows how easy it is to lose weight has told me if I quit drinking I’ll lose like 20 lbs immediately. I can’t wait!

As most of you know, I shamelessly lifted the idea of a travel diary off Bootleg whose travails at airports always made me feel better in that “at least I’m not the only person this stuff happens to” kind of way. Some long-time friends and readers know I hate flying. I start having small-scale panic attacks 48-hours before the flight, I can think about nothing else, I meticulously call most of my family to unofficially “say goodbye”, I wear my old St. Christopher medal, and am very careful that my iPod contains the entire Pure Moods library. All of this irrational panic is then then exacerbated by the fact flying is one of life’s most miserable experiences (#FirstWorldProblems). First wait in line to check in with people who don’t have stuff ready. Then wait in line with people who are somehow still caught off guard by having to remove their shoes (we get it, it’s stupid, just f*cking do it) and their laptops out of their bags. Then, if fortunate enough to not be randomly selected for some kind of invasive pat-down, wait in a pen with 4500 other miserable people (every person under 12 counts as ten miserable people) to then wait in line to cram in to a seat specifically designed to pen as many people in to the smallest space possible. On an international flight, this is NINE people per row. Two on each side and FIVE across the center because, heaven forbid the center seat in the five-row come out so the person in that seat doesn’t have to create a major ordeal to use the bathroom. Between my irrational and inexplicable fear and the completely miserable experience of it, I often used the first part of these diaries to vent my frustration at the whole process.

Until this time. Y’see, due to circumstances, I ended up buying round-trip business class. I have never flown anything other than coach. The round trip business class ticket from JFK to Heathrow was just about exactly double the coach ticket. I really had no idea what to expect on the trip since my knowledge of American Airlines’ business class was walking through the section on my way to Coachland.

Using the new diary rules I invented just now, entries that are bolded were originally posted to the Twitter feed via my Blackberry.

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8:00 pm: Take inventory of my stuff for roughly the 270th time. I have never flown alone before and am totally convinced I’m going to forget something. I comfort my cat for roughly the 500th time, because I feel horrifically guilty about leaving an animal who won’t even know I’m gone.

8:15 pm: PLR is always insistent about getting to the airport 3 hours early. I am always insistent that this is insanity for an 11:30 PM flight. I bask in the freedom of not having to get a cab at 7:45 for an 11:30 flight.

8:40 pm: In a stroke of “this might not be so bad” I find a cab in under two minutes at prime going out time. I’m pumped.

9:02 pm: Arrive JFK. That’s right… 22 minutes to JFK… on a summer Saturday. I’m floored.

9:03 pm: Enter JFK at the American Airlines terminal. I see a line of about 25 at the check-in counter with one person at the desk. This line is not for me. My line is around the corner in a walled off area. And by “line” I mean “well-staffed room with four employees at the counter and nobody waiting.” Four people at the counter. It’s 9 pm. Total time spent checking in: two minutes.

9:06 pm: Wander aimlessly around JFK trying to find the security line I can never find. Finally find it. There is a line waiting to have their boarding passes checked before getting to security. This line is not for me. With a look at my boarding pass, the TSA agent waves me in to the “employees” line, where I go to a 2nd agent who gives my papers a cursory look before sending me to the scanners. Total time spent in pre-screen line: nil. In fairness, I’ve heard this is a JFK only feature.

9:07 pm: I choose my security line based on my normal method of “shortest line + people with their shoes already off”. I get my stuff on the belt and the screener simply walks away. No explanation, no “back in a second”… just walks away. After 30 seconds, I hop to the line on the other side. Other people stay in line. As I pass through security, the people on the other side continue to wait. He’s still not back. Ladies and gentlemen: the future of healthcare in America.

9:15 pm: As part of the business class ticket, I gain access to the business class lounge. The business class lounge is upstairs at JFK, well away from the gate pens most people stay in. I hand my ticket to a lady who may or may not be an extra for the Jersey Shore. After checking my ticket to confirm I belong in the special club, she presents me with two complimentary drink tickets.

9:20 pm: My first complimentary drink is a Makers Mark Manhattan. Being as I’ve been in a state of constant panic for 48 hours, it gets destroyed.

9:26 pm: Manhattan number two.

9:53 pm: French dude: Parle Francais? Me: Petit peu, pourquoi? FD: C’est votre jour chanceux. Make that 5 drink vouchers. Widro and I have this theory that once you get in to the rich dude’s club, it’s a special place where you all kinda look out for each other and just work at keeping your money and screwing the poor and middle class people. This would be an example of that. There was no reason for Mr Frenchman to give me his three leftover drink vouchers, but he just did because, well, I fooled him by being inside the velvet rope.

10:00 pm: I make the executive decision to switch over to Sam Summers because, well, five Manhattans would have been the end of me.

11:07 pm: In the midst of my final Sam Summer, I was screwing with my phone when they made the announcement my flight was boarding. I packed up my stuff, walked out of the lounge, and headed to my gate. There were about 30 people waiting in line. That line was not for me. There was no one in my line. Time spent in boarding line: nil.

11:18 pm: 10 minutes after sitting down, just handed a free champagne. I bet in coach there’s a screaming child. Hahahahahahahahahahah. In reality, I took two plastic flutes of champagne, crushed them, took a free newspaper, this sack of goodies, and ordered a steak for dinner with a glass of merlot. Before dinner arrived, I was given a complimentary set of Bose soundproof headphones to quiet the total lack of noise. Sadly, I had to give those back but they do, in fact, live up to their marketing. Putting them on, I couldn’t hear anything other than what I was listening to. Not even the noise of the airplane. Also, my seat turns in to a bed. There’s that much room. Also: so in business class, you sit in a lounge boozin, they announce you’re boarding, then you walk right on the plane. Then, you get to watch the poor people get on. hahahaha Suffer, poor people! #TooMuchBooze I became drunk on both power and booze simultaneously.

The rest of the flight is somewhat hazy. I do recall ordering a Dewars on the rocks which turned out to be a double (also free). I recall putting on a BreatheRight and informing the flight attendant to wake me up if I was snoring too loudly. I vaguely recall that our flight had the Under 23 World Cup Women’s team which led to a rousing “USA!” chant which I hope included more people than myself. I recall watching the first five minutes of Shutter Island before passing out hard until “express breakfast”. Also, as I was sitting in the fourth row, which was the first row of business, I got off the plane first. Time spent waiting to get off plane: nil.

10:30 am (GMT): Flight arrives an hour early. For the first time in history, I’m annoyed by a flight getting in early because I was actually comfortably sleeping and my plan of getting 6 hours of sleep is reduced to 5. I go to passport services and am certainly still drunk. I have a conversation with the British passport lady that didn’t go well because I could neither remember how long I was going to be there or the name of my hotel at first. I probably also smell like a mix of bourbon, wine, and meat. I get a harsh speech. I don’t remember any of it but I fully deserved it.

10:45 am: Walk to the luggage carousel to wait. The carousel, however, is not for me. My bags, with their orange priority tag, are already waiting for me next to the carousel. Time waiting for bags: nil.

So, to recap — for the approximate cost of “double”, the customer basically gets to skip all lines, be boozed up and happy, and not wait for anything. I’m pretty sure there’s something to be said here about legacy airlines and the American public’s demand that flights be cheap. PLR warned me that the first business class flight would ruin me forever and, I have to say, she’s right. I can’t imagine flying a legacy airline in coach again… especially when it’s such a miserable experience. And this is before even getting in to Heathrow’s business class lounge. Heathrow’s lounge featured all of the above but with free everything. A spread of sandwiches, snacks, chips, soda, and desserts on top of a selection of top shelf alcohol, wine, and refrigerator of beer in a do-it-yourself bar. The flight back to the US on Saturday was extremely crowded. When we eventually got to the gate from the lounge, there was a line of over 200 people waiting to check in. In London, there’s another quick screening process — which randomly involves full pat-downs, interviews, and bag searches — before getting in to the gate. We walked to the front of that line, too.

Somehow, I have a bad feeling that Oktoberfest 2 just got about $1000 more expensive.

22) You always hear about how much better the trains run in Europe, but it’s really different to experience it. It was quite an a-ha moment when I realized it’s because the country manages the rails (like the FAA manages the air) and allows the train lines to just compete amongst themselves for service. I don’t know if we could ever duplicate that model because the country is SO much bigger but there’s got to be something better than Amtrak’s crappy service on rails built in 1894.

23) We took three trains during our trip. London to Stockport, Stockport to Edinburgh, and Edinburgh back to London. Each one featured its own level of service. Personally, Virgin trains were the best for me. It featured a first class lounge in London, a quiet car for both standard and first class, and free Wi-Fi on first class.

24) Given the choice between standard service with quiet car and first class service with no quiet car, I’d take standard/quiet every time. I can’t wait for the day cell phone calls are allowed on airplanes to make that little slice of hell just a little bit bigger.

25) I complained about the income tax rate last week. It didn’t occur to me until a couple days later that when Pelosi and Obama get their way in a few weeks, the Bush tax cuts will expire and between federal (30%), New York State (6.85), and New York City (3.86) tax I’m already there. So, I guess moving to a country where you only have to work 40 hours/week and actually get vacation time wouldn’t be so bad.

26) Company X decided against giving me an international plan on my Blackberry so I didn’t have any service for two straight weeks. I have to say, the freedom from having a cell phone is intoxicating. At no point did I miss it.

27) We went to Roslyn Chapel when we were in Scotland, which only means anything if you read or saw the DaVinci Code. It’s a bit smaller than I anticipated (which was dumb on my part considering it was a family’s personal church) but the carvings in there were everything I expected. I do wonder as to whether or not the town is happy Dan Brown turned their little few blocks in to a mess of tour buses, but it is nice that the chapel will be maintained now. It’s really amazing inside. One of the more interesting tidbits being the carvings of Native American corn over one of the windows… which wouldn’t be that interested except in that the chapel was built about 50-100 years before America was “discovered”, leading to speculation that the Knights Templar visited North America well before Columbus. WHAT WERE THEY HIDING????

28) Watching the World Cup final in a pub was all I expected it to be and more. The soccer haters in the US crushed it for being a bore-off where no goals were scored until the 116th minute and ended 1-0. Meanwhile, they’d slobber over a 7-3 football game (which, mind you, is 1-to-0.5) as a defensive masterstroke.

29) Guidos also exist in Europe… they’re just actually FROM Italy instead of “celebrating” their Italian heritage with hair gel and tanning. Must be in the DNA.

30) Edinburgh is a weird little city. It seems to be Scotland’s version of a tourist trap with a castle and just statues and evil wizard towers everywhere. Every street corner has a statue. It reminded me a lot of Salzburg in its creepy, 1000 year old, how many creepy secret tunnels are under these streets vibe. The only difference here being that Edinburgh has a bustling, modern city around the creepy tourist trap inside 300 year old buildings.

31) I’m currently on the train back to London for one more night before getting on the plane back to New York. It occurred to me sometime in the last two months that I was very much over New York. These last two weeks have helped confirm it. Maybe the insanely hot weather for the last two months have had something to do with it, I don’t know, but two weeks away from the city have me absolutely dreading going back.

32) I have desperately tried over the previous week to understand cricket. All I know so far is this: Pakistan and Australia have been playing for three days. Not different games for three days, but ONE GAME has been going on for three days. And its not over yet. I still have no idea how a cricket match ends, but it seems like it might go on forever.

16) Guys in London apparently wear suits everywhere. Bring some nice clothes unless you want to feel perpetually underdressed. The tourist uniform of shorts, polo, sneakers, and bag stand out here more than anywhere else, unless you’re near a tourist hotspot like Westminster Abbey

17) The Iranian woman will not be stoned. She will likely just face either life imprisonment or hanging. Go UK Media!

18) Currently on a train from London to Stockport, England. I’ve been told it’s Upstate England.

19) From what I’ve seen of the rest of the country, it seems like England is laid out much like California. A few gigantic cities and a whole lot of nothing in between.

20) Do not assume “it’s only one subway stop, we can totally walk it” is valid.

21) Regarding Abbey Rd — it seems also that many Beatles’ fans mistakenly thank Paul McCartney instead of John Lennon for the Beatles’ contributions to the world of music. Weird.

1) Pubs know how to pour a cask beer.

2) Joins Paris as one of the now two other places I’ve been more expensive than New York.

3) I’ve spent about three hours watching cricket and still find the game incomprehensible. I’ve gotten that you get 10 outs per inning, that a home run is worth six runs, and a ground-rule double is worth four runs, but I still can’t figure out what constitutes an out other than catching the ball in the air… without a glove… which seems like it should count for more than one out.

4) No one roots for Germany in the pub.

5) The only shows on the BBC are The Good Wife and My Name Is Earl. So, Americans are either cheatin husbands, shady lawyers, or rednecks. Which, really, fair enough.

6) I hate countries that have 8 different types of change. Do they really need a .02 cent piece? Is it just for joke purposes so one can actually physically give somebody their two cents pence?

7) Sky Sports 3 airs Raw and Smackdown seemingly on a loop every night.

8) In a sentence I never thought I’d say — ESPN’s production on the World Cup games is actually better than ITV’s.

9) The “every day is gray” stereotype is, in fact, not a stereotype.

10) There are a lot of Indian/Middle Eastern people here and less Asians. Big news in the paper is 1) BP potentially going under and 2) a woman who was convicted of adultery in Iran is facing stoning. In other news, I can go to jail for smoking a Cuban cigar, but we’re kinda good with Iran, who stones people to death and really good with India, who still has honor killings if a girl has pre-marital sex. Yay!

11) I’ve learned British folks don’t really seem to care much for the VAT. Here it is a seemingly capricious tax levied on anything considered a “luxury” item. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. For instance, a ham, egg, and cheese crepe is affected by the VAT, but a plate of eggs, bacon, sausage, hashbrowns, and beans was not. It is also being raised from 17% to 20% next month. That’s a 20% bump on anything some dude in a suit considers a “luxury”.

12) High miscellaneous value for the city. I could totally live here. The Unmentionable Accounting and Copier Company X offices are looking really good save for the 40% income tax. But, hey, at least I’d actually get the benefits of everything I’d be paying for.

13) I really hate subway systems with tiered zones with different charges.

14) Apartment rentals are listed by week. It seems much less terrifying seeing an apartment listed at 400 lbs/week until you realize that it’s roughly equivalent to $2400/month.

15) London’s subway system shuts down at midnight, but it seems like every neighborhood has its own pub. There are four within reasonable walking distance of our hotel and we’re neither in a touristy area of town nor near a major hotel. In fact, Google Map Sydney Street London and play “spot the hotel on street view”.

Heading away for two weeks. I’m hoping to be able to post stuff from the UK, but I have no idea if I’ll have any service or Internets there.

Samuel Adams Barrel Room Collection — American Kriek

Brewed By: Boston Beer Company
Brewed In: Boston, MA — also aged there, per the press release.
ABV: 7%
Type: Kriek, although Beer Advocate calls it an “American Wild Ale”.

What They Say: The intense black cherry character in this beer comes from Balaton cherries, which were discovered in Hungary and are now grown in Michigan. These special cherries are prized for their depth of flavor. The tartness from the cherries is balanced by a rich, malty character with toasted oak notes added from the barrel aging. Our American Kriek undergoes a secondary fermentation on a bed of Balaton cherries from Michigan. The taste isn’t like the jarred candy cherry flavor but instead tastes like the deep red ripe fruit. The resulting beer is blended with a small amount of our Kosmic Mother Funk™, to add another layer of flavor and character.

Presentation (5): This was part of Great Big Show Trade. I believe this one cost me a Black Ops. This is the second of three beers in the Samuel Adams Barrel Room Collection Series.

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Presentation (5): Check out the first post to see my thoughts here. 5

Originality (5): They seem to be using their Belgian recipe here and doing some other nonsense involving trademarked Balaton cherries and “Cosmic Mother Funk.” They get an extra point for non-ironically using “Cosmic Mother Funk.” 3

Body (10): It pours a rather nice red with a about a finger of head which dissipates quickly. Healthy carbonation which is probably necessary given the big flavors. The mouthfeel is is not heavy in the least, and it finishes more like a soda than a beer. Even though the carbonation is bold, it’s one of the few cases where the beer could use even a little more. I don’t know if that would take it fully over to cherry soda. 8

Taste (10): While I’m usually not a fan of Sam’s “Fruit The Beer” offerings, I have to say this one is pretty good. The aroma here is of cherry and yeast. The cherries are used as a subtle, sour flavor that helps the base recipe. In this case, the cherry flavor is a souring enhancement as opposed to the Cranberry Lambic (which I hate) and the Cherry Wheat (which I’m also not a fan of) where the sickly sweet fruity flavors are the star. I do struggle to find any flavor elements — or even aroma — from the oak. This tastes like a nice little ale with some cherry tartness. As an oak-aged beer, I do expect a little more, though. 7

Efficiency (10): This comes in slightly lower than the first review if only because the ABV is lower. At “only” seven percent, the cherry tartness can be overwhelming by the time you get to the end of the bottle. For myself, I want a 22 oz offering to be nine percent or better at a reasonable price for a full score. At 7% for 22 ozs, I’d need two of these to take me home. I’d rather only get one. 6

Versatility (10): This beer gets a few more versatility points than the previous offering. With a much gentler flavor, it’s more accessible for a wider audience. While the corporate marketing of the Barrel Room Collection is trying to get back the snobs they’ve lost, this may at least pick up the burgeoning market of the new “them” snobs while giving the old “us” snobs something to look down their noses at. 5

The Snob Sez: Surprisingly good offering all things considered. I usually have a strong dislike for fruity beer offerings. However, this beer uses the fruit as an enhancement rather than a star. That makes all the difference.

Final Score: 34 (of 50) — OK beer.