One New York Life

Catching up on the DVRed SNLs this week. Constant traveling sucks.

Host: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (1). His opening was a song from Singin’ In The Rain while occasionally getting punched in the face by Bobby Moynihan. Not bad — it was a foreshadowing of a super-intense, heavy-on-the-singing performance to come.

Musical Guest: Dave Matthews Band (4). My Dave Matthews window was very small. I resisted it in college until Grey Street finally conquered the radio-induced anger created by Ants Marching and Satellite. This led to a one-year fling in 2003 with Before These Crowded Streets and Everyday. I’ve returned to my pointless resistance because the name of the new album — Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King — makes me angry. The second song was better than the first and they sounded great on the SNL stage which is challenging for a band. I was most mesmerized by the Ruben Studdard-esque (in both size and sweat-volume) trumpet player.

Cameos: Al Gore, Mindy Kaling from The Office.

Best Skit: Neighbor Ruins The Moment From Say Anything. Gordon-Levitt stands outside with the boom box over his head and Jason Sudekis keeps interrupting. I’m presuming it’s not on Hulu due to the use of Your Eyes in the sketch. Gordon-Levitt tries to do the deep Generation X thing — “It was the song playing during out first time. I’m trying to remind her of our first time” and Sudekis responds with “The first time? Why would you want to remember the first time? The first time is always weird unless she’s slutty. Is she slutty? Cuz that’s cool, too.” If I had to pick a second, it was The Chinese Prime Minister Goofs On Obama Via Interpreter. Weirdly, PLR and I had a conversation within 24 hours of watching a white guy play the Chinese Prime Minister as to whether or not there has ever been an Asian regular on SNL. “Does the prime minister look like Mrs. Obama?” “What?” “Answer the question, does the prime minister look like Mrs. Obama?” “No.” “Then why you try to make sex with him like Mrs. Obama?”

Honorable Mention: What’s Up With That 2. Another episode of BET’s What’s Up Wit’ That. This time, Mindy Kaling is the random cameo guest who doesn’t even have a line and the host interrupts Al Gore to break in to song. This one is even more over the top than the one from October.

Line of the Week: From Weekend Update – “Snoop Dogg rang the New York Stock Exhange’s opening bell on Monday which explains why the opening bell wasn’t rung until 4:30 on Tuesday.”

Character of the Week: Dave Matthews as Ozzy Osbourne. On the recurring “Mellow Show” with Jack Johnson. We get Bill Hader as Dave Matthews, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Jason Mraz, and Dave Matthews as Ozzy Osbourne.

Worst Skit: Secret Word. Just a swing and a miss on a game show parody. It happens.

Digital Short: Two Worlds Collide. Andy Samberg performs with Keenan as Reba McEntire. Well… Samberg believes a large black man who found a ratty weave is Reba McEntire and wrote a song about their relationship. “They say she has a penis.” “She does.” “They’re just jealous.” “They’re not.”

Weekend Update: Short and sweet Weekend Update with only Al Gore (actually Al Gore) on to promote his new book I Made It All Up, Global Warming Is A Farce. That might not be the actual name of the book. Credit where it’s due, though, pretty funny appearance where we get a popular vote joke or two and he outlines his new plan for getting his message across: being crazy.

Final Notes: I wasn’t blown away… two good skits and a short weekend update. The rest was pretty forgettable “meh.” Not quite as strong as the Blake Lively episode in which a skit containing the forever-quotable “he said I was too pretty for condoms” didn’t even make the top two. Good hosting job by Gordon-Levitt even though he got saddled with the “we don’t know what to do with this guy so we’ll just have him sing in every sketch” show of the season.

Friday

L/L – San Diego Chargers +3 at Tennessee Titans: I’m going to go ahead and assume that this “Philip Rivers is undefeated in December” angle, now that it’s officially a thing, is due to come to a crashing end. Probably now, in another great game that the NFL is holding hostage because they’re unreasonable douchebags. Titans cover

Sunday

Seattle Seahawks +13.5 at Green Bay Packers: This is my best chance at one of the three losses I need this week. That’s a tough day. Seahawks +13.5

Oakland Raiders +3 at Cleveland Browns: I’ll go with: “Neither of these teams can even figure out how to lose out correctly.” Browns cover

Kansas City Chiefs +13.5 at Cincinnati Bengals: I’m sure there were some folks who thought the Bengals would throw up the “we did this for Chris” game last week. For me, I usually expect it to be the first game at home. The only reason I’m even considering taking the Bengals to cover two touchdowns here. Bengals cover

Buffalo Bills +9 at Atlanta Falcons: I got nothin. Bills +9

Houston Texans +3 at Miami Dolphins: I’m presuming my hatred of the Texans will be escalated by the fact they will win and prevent me from collecting. Dolphins cover

Carolina Panthers +5 at New York Giants: The Giants have no answer for Steve Smith 1.0. The hope here is that the Giants offense can simply outscore the Panthers. Giants cover

Tampa Bay Bucs +15 at New Orleans Saints: I’d like to say “too many points for a division game” but I can’t see any good reason that this isn’t a repeat of the last drubbing. Saints cover

Jacksonville Jaguars +9 at New England Patriots: I know the Jags are in an absolute must-win here… but the whole warm weather team in a cold weather stadium along with the fact that I trust the Pats in this type of situation more than I do the Jags. Pretty sure the Patriots end the Jaguars season here and lock-up the division. Patriots cover

Baltimore Ravens +2 at Pittsburgh Steelers: So, either the Steelers turned the corner last week or they needed a miracle play to keep their hopes alive. Depends on how you look at it I guess. I expect neither the Ravens defense to allow near as many points as the Packers nor the Steelers to have another miracle. Ravens outright

Denver Broncos +9 at Philadelphia Eagles: This is actually my best case path. The Eagles lose to the Broncos this week and actually have something to play for against the Cowboys next weekend. I really want this to happen… but I can’t pick it that way. Broncos +9

St. Louis Rams +14 at Arizona Cardinals: Next up on “who’s going to get criminally negligent homicided by the Rams’s line” — Kyle Boller. Cardinals cover

Detroit Lions +10.5 at San Francisco 49ers: Meh. Niners cover

New York Jets +7 at Indianapolis Colts: The only question remaining is whether or not the Colts backups can beat the Jets. In a way, it floors me that the Colts have such disdain for this idea but, hey, whatever floats their boat. I hope they get knocked off in the Divisional playoffs. Jets +7

Dallas Cowboys -4 at Washington Redskins: So, the Giants did some damage to the Redskins last week and they’ve spent the entire week hearing about how they’re a sandlot squad. Even if the coach can’t keep them totally motivated, the questioning of their manhood has to do something, right? Am I completely crazy to think that the Cowboys have zero chance of covering Santana Moss? Anyone expecting two straight 30 point losses by the ‘Skins are insane. Redskins +4

Monday

Minnesota Vikings -7 at Chicago Bears: Everyone knows that last year, if Favre did what he did, he would have just been a “gutty competitor”, right? Are all reporters pre-teen girls? Vikings cover

Spreads

1) Jets +6 over COLTS
2) Redskins +6.5 over COWBOYS
3) CARDINALS -14 over Rams

Friday

San Diego Chargers +3 at Tennessee Titans: I’m going to go ahead and assume that this “Philip Rivers is undefeated in December” angle, now that it’s officially a thing, is due to come to a crashing end. Probably now, in another great game that the NFL is holding hostage because they’re unreasonable douchebags. Titans cover

Results

W/W – Colts +2.5 over Jaguars, 35-31, Colts outright: My ability to care about this win has been counteracted by the Colts being their usual, douchey selves, copping out of the undefeated season, and forcing me to root against them in the playoffs. Also — the fact the Colts played against the Jaguars now makes no sense… other than a shady, old-rich-white-guy favor getting called in for the good of the NFL Network.

L/W – Cowboys +7 over Saints, 24-17, Cowboys +7: I went out to watch this game at a local bar upstate and, as expected, it was full of Cowboy fans. They’re a tough crowd to watch a game with. Regardless, as I watched this game, for the first time I found myself wondering if Sean Payton watched one second of game film of the Cowboys season — or even anything going on this game. When Brees threw the ball down the field, they were TORCHING the Cowboys. There was no answer. But he kept running guys directly in to DeMarcus Ware. What? It made no sense to me and, as someone with a rooting interest, was infuriating.

L/T – Titans -3 over Dolphins, 27-24, Dolphins outright: The Dolphins make me wait another week before dancing the “I beat you again” dance to Mr. Hulse.

W/L – Cardinals -11 over Lions, 31-24, Cardinals cover: Nothing big here. The Lions covered because of an early Pick 6. Whatever.

L/L – Falcons +4.5 over Jets, 10-7, Jets cover: The Jets decided to mix it up this season and disappoint their fans two weeks early as to not mar the closing ceremonies of the stadium not named for them. Jets fans, being what they are, have jumped on the “sign a veteran quarterback to tutor Mark Sanchez next season” because, you know, the fanbase will be completely reasonable if the team starts 0-3 with Sanchez and Jeff Garcia is holding a clipboard. The “veteran caddy” thing only works if the veteran starts and the rookie stands on the sideline — then the veteran is bad and the fans clamor for the rookie. It doesn’t work the other way.

W/L – Texans -11 over Rams, 16-13, Texans cover: Die, Texans.

W/L – Ravens -10 over Bears, 31-7, Bears +10: I suck at spreads.

W/T – Patriots -7 over Bills, 17-10, Bills +7: Not shocked, really. The Pats are going to push toward the playoffs now. They’re going to be tough to beat.

W/W – Browns +2.5 over Chiefs, 41-34, Browns outright: If you had “Cleveland Brown runningback gains 300 yards in one game”, collect your 7,000,000-1 winnings at the pay window.

W/W – Eagles -7.5 over Niners, 27-13, Eagles cover: I’d like to thank Fox Albany for sticking us with this crap fest instead of Steelers/Packers. Because two teams relatively in it playing in a must-win game was far less interesting then a Niners team that hasn’t been relevant since the 80s.

L/W – Raiders +11 over Broncos, 20-19, Raiders +11: The Broncos want to keep it interesting, I guess.

W/L – Chargers -6.5 over Bengals, 27-24, Chargers cover: Simmons mentioned this on his podcast — Maybe Nate Kaeding could tone down the post-field goal celebration a touch. I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of rule about overcelebrating when a team is morning the freakish death of one of the team-mates. Stay classy, San Diego.

L/L – Bucs +7 over Seahawks, 24-7, Seahawks cover: Sure, why not.

L/W – Steelers -1.5 over Packers, 37-36, Packers outright: I’m curious how this is being called a “bounceback game” for the Steelers. The Steelers lost the game save for a bizarre, one-in-a-million pass and catch. It doesn’t make the fact their defense got flattened by the Pack for a solid sixty minutes.

W/W – Panthers +7 over Vikings, 26-7, Packers outright: I’m trying to not be semi-excited by the Favre meltdown… not really for any sort of anti-Favre reason, but the fact the Giants are probably going to need the week 17 game in Minny. Of course, they might not because the Cowboys are super-awesome and are clearly going to win out.

W/W – Giants -3 over Redskins, 45-12, Giants cover: I do hope that the Redskins decide to take out their anger on the Cowboys next week.

1) JETS -6 over Falcons – L
2) Giants -3 over REDSKINS – W
3) Bears +10.5 over RAVENS – L

Straight Up: 10-6 (149-75)
Against The Spread: 8-6-2 (106-116-2)

Full disclosure: I actually read this trilogy out of order. I grabbed book three, misread the roman numeral, saw the number two in the title, and ended up reading this out of order. It felt like I’d missed a giant block of stuff, but thought he just jumped past the first siege and was going to fill in the gaps via flashback. Too much LOST, I guess. I’m going to skip reviewing that one because, well, really I felt I was able to get the whole of the trilogy without actually reading the second book.

That’s probably not good.

Ultimately, the novel keeps the major plot lines active for future novels, and introduces several more. And for me, this is where it falls flat. I wanted a lot out of this trilogy, which is apparently the last before Drizzt jumps a century in the future and leaves all these characters behind. I’m glad to get Drizzt’s new relationship with Innovindil (his first elven companion) and was glad to see him finally get some education from a surface elf. The scenes between these two were generally worth the price of admission and she finally got him to see that it’s OK to live his exceptionally long life in many small lifetimes. It took thousands of pages to get to this point — that it’s OK to love someone who is going to die 800 years before you do.

In all, a trilogy that started off really good for me ended up leaving me feeling kind of blah. Drizzt and Catti-brie finally start a relationship after a bunch of years of nonsense (A good thing they retconned her age, or it would have taken him until she was in her late 30s to wake up). Delly Curtie is, as predicted, disposed of in an ultimately pointless and stupid way (and in a way no sufficiently paranoid group of adventurers would ever allow… leaving your intelligent blade that hates you unattended in close proximity to NPCs? Really?) and Colson is kidnapped. Delly was written out so quickly and ignominiously that, were she an actress, I would have assumed she demanded an ungodly contract.

Secondly, I had a terribly hard time believing that NONE of the surrounding townships saw fit to send in support for a neighboring kingdom battling a goblin-horde of over 20,000. Whatever politician made the argument “hey, the goblin-races will be perfectly satisfied to take over a little chunk of the world and then they’ll settle down. Not our problem” deserves the golden bullsh*t award. I realize Faerun’s states are notoriously provincial, it seems almost ridiculous that the humans wouldn’t team up to end the orc-threat before it got out of hand.

Thirdly, Drizzt spends the whole of the second and third book assuming his friends are dead and never actually going to check. I find this nigh impossible to buy. I realize that Drizzt is generally self-absorbed, fatalistic, and thinks the world revolves around him — but spending months out in the wilderness instead of going back to Mithril Hall and, at the very least, paying his respects? It’s beyond even his goth personality, felt forced, and was completely out of character… again.

I’m torn on the series jumping ahead. On one hand, this world desperately needs a shake-up of some sort. On the other, it would have been nice to give Wulfgar one happy ending. You’d think spending 5 years in Hell followed by another few years as a drunk with PTSD would earn the guy some karma points. Guess not. If the series jumps ahead we leave Wulfgar being partially responsible for the death of his wife and the kidnapping of his adopted daughter. Can the guy catch a break? Just one?

If these characters are never going to move forward, never die, and never really be at a threat — there’s only so many situations you can put them in. They’ve now survived a war, the drow, assassins, an evil goddess, and Hell itself. There’s nothing left. It’s time for Drizzt to find some new friends.

We’ll see how Transitions goes. It’s got one book.

Thursday

W/W – Indianapolis Colts +2.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars: This must have been an opening spread before word came out that Peyton wanted to play and go for the undefeated season, essentially overruling the coach, ex-coach, GM, and owner. The spread as of this typing is Colts -3. Here’s the thing… Manning’s the best quarterback of this decade and he probably really hates that Tom Brady and the Patriots will end up getting most of the nods for best team. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Manning’s sudden decision to stop sitting back and going for the Super Bowl is coming in 2009. If the Colts run the table and do what the Patriots couldn’t… and come up with a 19-0 undefeated season to close the decade… is there a solid argument against them? Not really. This is the game that will decide it. If they can take down the Jaguars, playing for a playoff slot, in their first sellout of the season, then it’s down to either the Jets or the Bills to get it done. I… I can’t pick against them until they lose. Colts outright

Saturday

Dallas Cowboys +7 at New Orleans Saints: The slight “gotcha” in this game is that Tony Romo has decided that he’s a good quarterback. Unfortunately, he can’t keep up with a terrible defense that, and I’m repeating myself here, hasn’t showed up for a big game since the Parcells era. Every fiber of my being is telling me that Dallas is going to pull this off… but I think that’s the same part of me who watched Dallas pull out bizarre wins to crush my little kid soul. I have to think that if the Cowboy defense didn’t show up in the Meadowlands… why in the world are they showing up to the Superdome? Cowboys +7

Sunday

Miami Dolphins +3 at Tennessee Titans: I’m thrilled that I’m upstate this weekend because the Falcons being on the road in New York won’t black out the AFC channel. This means I have a shot at the AFC game being this one — which is great considering this is essentially the first playoff game of the season. Must win game for both teams to have any shot at getting to the post-season. A loss for either one pretty much ends their seasons. Huge game. Of course, I’ll probably get stuck watching Pats/Bills. And… could we possibly now admit that the Titans might have gotten a touch overrated in their run over bad teams? Maybe? Dolphins outright

Arizona Cardinals -11 at Detroit Lions: The oddsmakers properly threw out last week’s game. Lions are still getting rolled. Cardinals cover

Atlanta Falcons +4.5 at New York Jets: The only way you could not pick the Jets here is if you believe they are going to crush their fans souls by throwing in a turd in a game, at home, that they should absolutely win. While this is a serious consideration — the Jets will wait until the last week of the season, at home, against the Bengals to do this. Jets cover

Houston Texans -11 at St. Louis Rams: I’ve punched out of Texans games for the year. Not wasting my time anymore. Texans cover

Chicago Bears +10 at Baltimore Ravens: Too many points for a bad weather weekend. Bears +10

New England Patriots -7 at Buffalo Bills: This is that time of the year where the Bills usually pull out an unexpected win against a good team to keep their fans hooked. Again, too many points on a bad weather weekend in Buffalo — especially considering how well Buffalo torched their defense way back in Week 1. I know that seems like 100 years ago now, but I think it still applies. Bills +7

Cleveland Browns +2.5 at Kansas City Chiefs: My rule when picking draft-pick position games is usually to take the home team… but after seeing how bad the KC receivers are and the fact their line might lead to Cassel’s early murder I just can’t pick them to win anything… ever. Browns outright

San Francisco 49ers +7.5 at Philadelphia Eagles: Presuming Dallas loses on Saturday, the Eagles grab the division with a flourish. And a poorly executed hip-leap. Eagles cover

Oakland Raiders +11 at Denver Broncos: Did I already make the “what can you do when you’re forced to play your starter instead of your backup” joke? I did? Dammit. Raiders +11

Cincinnati Bengals +6.5 at San Diego Chargers: Hey, have you heard that Philip Rivers is undefeated in December? January not so much. Chargers cover

Tampa Bay Bucs +7 at Seattle Seahawks: I can’t take the Bucs on the road. Even with 7 points. Seahawks cover

Green Bay Packers +1.5 at Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers are sliding toward oblivion. Their defense has become pretty bad and the Green Bay offense is kind of figuring life out. The Steelers are favored here because of “respect”… nothing else. Packers outright

Minnesota Vikings -7 at Carolina Panthers: Tough game to pick. The Vikings will know by kickoff whether or not they are still playing for anything or if they’re locked in to the 2-seed. I’m relatively certain that they’re going to be locked in 2-seed, which means Favre plays a quarter (or a drive) to keep his streak intact. Then, the Panthers play a tight game with their new, relatively good quarterback and Tavaris Jackson fails to hold serve. Panthers outright

Monday

New York Giants -3 at Washington Redskins: Remember what DeSean Jackson did to the Giants last week? Expect Santana Moss to do that this week. The only saving grace is I don’t think that Jason Campbell will get the passes there as regularly. I’m pretty sure the Giants can still take down bad teams and, wins aside, the Redskins are still pretty bad. I expect the Giants to grab a win here, tie Dallas, and send Jerry Jones in to full meltdown mode. Giants cover

Spreads

1) JETS -6 over Falcons
2) Giants -3 over REDSKINS
3) Bears +10.5 over RAVENS

1) The Mets Weren’t Getting Roy Halliday: If you put a gun to their heads, or probably just asked them straight up, the Mets brass is probably thrilled at the developments over the last few days. “But Tom, their division rival got Roy Halladay… how could they be thrilled?” Because due to newspaper columnists, radio show hosts, and insane fans — people we’re honestly arguing that trading a 26-year-old, MVP-caliber shortstop in his prime and depth they don’t have for a 32-year-old pitcher + $100M who’s pitched 220+ innings the last four seasons was a good idea. It wasn’t. Especially when one considers the list of 2011 free agents include Cliff Lee, Ted Lilly, Josh Beckett, and potentially Matt Cain. None of whom costs you one of the best five shortstops in the league, prospects you don’t have, and a lot of money. The Mets can now say “we had no one the caliber of Cliff Lee to trade for Roy Halliday, and that’s what the Blue Jays were looking for.” No one can contest this other than people who were demanding the Mets make moves last season when they were completely out of it.

2) The Red Sox Got Fleeced By John Lackey: There’s a big difference between the prettiest girl at the dance and the prettiest available girl at the dance. Lackey is the latter. He got the Red Sox to give him AJ Burnett’s contract off a season in which he pitched to a 3.83 ERA. He also hasn’t pitched a full season since 2007. You can’t complain about Omar Minaya’s tendency to sign injury prone players and then complain about him not sinking $15M/year in to a player showing signs of a 30+ break down. Also, the Mets just don’t give long-term contracts for pitchers unless you’re one of the five best pitchers in baseball. This is a good policy. And they really don’t do it to guys over 30. See if this is a good policy in the fourth year of Derek Lowe’s contract. I bet it will be.

3) Jason Bay Is Better For Citi Field Then Matt Holliday: I can’t say this enough. Matt Holliday is an over-rated baseball player. He hit .330 in Coors Field and .270 on the road. He’s a .270 baseball player. .270 baseball players are not worth $20M/year. If you believe the Mets, they charted both Jason Bay’s and Matt Holliday’s 2009 fly balls and compared them. They discovered that most of Holliday’s fly balls would die in the acres of left field at Citi. I believe them. Do you know why? Because all baseball teams should do things like this when they’re examining what players fit their park. I can look at Holliday’s numbers, his attitude, and the way he fields and realize the team that signs him to a Vernon Wells contract is going to be as happy with him as the Blue Jays are with Vernon Wells. This is not confirmation bias because there is no argument that disputes it. Despite what the Sports’ Guy would suggest — when you have the opportunity to sign a Coors Field Creation who played well for six weeks in a contract year you don’t, in fact, have to do it. They’re pursuing the right guy. Insert Canadian exchange rate joke here.

4) Omar Minaya Is Not A Bad General Manager: You can not name that many bad deals Omar has made for the Mets. He’s been solid, doesn’t offer too much money for bad players, and is not going out and signing the world and thus screwing over the team for the future in an offseason where he, by all rights, should be doing so. A bad GM trying to save his job (Steve Phillips… remember him?) would be mortgaging the team’s entire future to throw everything at the wall and hope something sticks. Minaya is staying the course, making smart signings, not jumping on bad trades, and realizing what everyone else should be: THE METS WEREN’T BAD LAST YEAR. And, lest we forget the good that he’s done, he got Johan Santana for nothing and traded the recently non-tendered by the Braves and out-of-baseball Ryan Church for a good right fielder with a laser-rocket arm. This is not a bad general manager, people. It’s a good general manager who is getting the best of what’s available. John Lackey is not the best of what’s available, especially when there’s a fairly decent chance he’ll be able to trade for some players from teams trying to dump salary.

Like I said on Twitter yesterday… could we maybe give the Mets’ an entire offseason before declaring them dead? They weren’t getting Roy Halladay… it was a pie-in-the-sky wish that would have cost them Jose Reyes and Mike Pelfrey at a minimum.

Thursday

Indianapolis Colts +2.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars: This must have been an opening spread before word came out that Peyton wanted to play and go for the undefeated season, essentially overruling the coach, ex-coach, GM, and owner. The spread as of this typing between Colts -3 and Colts -6.5 depending on where you look. Here’s the thing… Manning’s the best quarterback of this decade and he probably really hates that Tom Brady and the Patriots will end up getting most of the nods for best team. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Manning’s sudden decision to stop sitting back and going for the Super Bowl is coming in 2009. If the Colts run the table and do what the Patriots couldn’t… and come up with a 19-0 undefeated season to close the decade… is there a solid argument against them? Not really. This is the game that will decide it. If they can take down the Jaguars, playing for a playoff slot, in their first sellout of the season, at home on a short week, then it’s down to either the Jets or the Bills to get it done. I… I can’t pick against them until they lose. If, however, I had to pick with a different spread, I’d have to say Jags +6.5. Colts outright

Results

L/W – Browns +10 over Steelers, 13-6, Browns +10: Ugly game… and aren’t you sad you didn’t get to see it? I should have picked this game as one of my spread picks because I was as confident in this as any game I’ve seen all year.

W/W – Colts -7.5 over Broncos, 28-16, Colts cover: Not a lot of surprise here.

L/L – Vikings -8 over Bengals, 30-10, Bengals outright: I spent the last two weeks talking myself in to the Vikings and then immediately talked myself out of them. I rule like that.

W/W – Jets -3.5 over Bucs, 26-3, Jets cover: Also not much of a shock here. Sorry Raheem Morris… see you again in a few years. I guess this goes on the list with Marty Schottenheimer to Norv Turner as the worst voluntary coaching change in history.

L/L – Bills +1 over Chiefs, 16-10, Chiefs cover: Or maybe the Bills really didn’t have to travel well to beat a team that’s not that good… at home… in a good stadium.

W/W – Packers -3 over Bears, 21-14, Packers cover: I had the benefit of watching Jay Cutler’s unconscionable pass to end the game for the Bears. Worst fleecing of the year, tradewise? In football anyway?

W/L – Saints -9.5 over Falcons, 26-23, Saints cover: Is it bad that I’m talking myself in to the Giants beating the the undefeated Saints and Colts in consecutive weeks? Too much?

W/W – Ravens -12.5 over Lions, 48-3, Ravens cover: Thank you, Lions. It’s better for us to be treated to the Daunte Culpepper retirement tour then the Matthew Stafford early retirement tour.

W/W – Dolphins +2 over Jaguars, 14-10, Dolphins outright: I can no longer lose the over/under bet. One more win.

W/L – Patriots -13 over Panthers, 20-10, Patriots cover: As much as I do like the Patriots I have to admit………. I’m kinda pullin for the Dolphins.

W/L – Texans -6 over Seahawks, 34-7, Seahawks +6: And I quote I hate them so much. Whatever. Seahawks +6

W/W – Titans -13 over Rams, 47-7, Titans cover: Damn you, Spagnuolo. You left the Giants in a defensive mess for THIS? FOR THIS???

L/L – Redskins (Pick) over Raiders, 34-13, Raiders: You can never plan for the back-up getting injured and a forcing a team to play its starter. It’s not even fair.

W/W – Chargers +3 over Cowboys, 20-17, Chargers outright: As much as I really hate to admit it — when the Cowboys finally get a new coach in there (like Shanahan) and clean house of their spineless defense — they’re going to be really good. Romo didn’t have a career day, but he had a solid one and looked really good for a consecutive week. I’m hoping that Jerry Jones throws a tantrum, fires Wade Phillips, cuts Romo, and keeps all his sulky stars. Would it take Mike Holmgren over or under 3 days to make him the starting quarterback for the Browns in that case? I’d take the under.

L/L – Eagles +1 over Giants, 45-38, Giants cover: Here’s what we know about the Giants… they’re probably going to back their way in to the playoffs. The only chance they have is to be able to outscore teams because their defense can not stop anyone. They haven’t stopped a 3rd and 10+ in two weeks and they have NO answer for a player like DeSean Jackson. When Jerry Reese sits down and looks at this season, I hope one thing punches him in the face: the desperate need for a linebacker.

L/L – Niners +1.5 over Cardinals, 24-9, Cardinals cover: Eh… one of THOSE GAMES for the Cardinals. Seven turnover games just don’t happen except for random snakebitten nights. I’m pretty sure the Cards will bounce back next weekend.

1) Dolphins +2 over JAGUARS – W
2) Bengals +8 over VIKINGS – L
3) Jets -3.5 over BUCS – W

Standings

Straight Up: 10-6 (139-69)
Against The Spread: 8-8 (98-110)
Spreadery: 2-1 4 points (17-24, 29)
– Joe: 38
– Aaron: 37
– Tom: 29

Thursday

W/W – Pittsburgh Steelers -10 at Cleveland Browns: I’m definitely taking the points. Short week on the road down their best receiver, their best defensive player, and their quarterback still in that four-week window of recently concussed. The only question I have is whether or not the Browns have enough ability to actually knock the Steelers off an end their season. I…. I just can’t do it. Browns +10

Sunday

Denver Broncos +7.5 at Indianapolis Colts: One more week before the Colts shut it down for the season and let the Patriots claim the closest thing to an undefeated season this decade. Weirdly, I’ve always enjoyed watching Patriots games more than Colts games, but I find myself oddly pulling for the Colts to go 19-0 this year and really create a solid counterargument to handing the Patriots the team of the 00s. Colts cover

Cincinnati Bengals +8 at Minnesota Vikings: Not a chance in hell I don’t take 8 points coming from the Bengals, in a dome, with a chance to put the division away in the same week the Steelers put up the white flag to really cherry-top their season. I mean, you have seen what good offenses do to the Vikings, right? I file this under the same kind of pick as last week. Bengals outright

New York Jets -3.5 at Tampa Bay Bucs: The only thing that would make this game a more foregone conclusion is if the Bucs wear their gay pirate outfits. I’m not quite buying the whole “The Jets Have Turned The Corner” line of bull, but I do think it’s right in the Jets’ tortured existence to have Kellen Clemens throw for 5 touchdowns and create a quarterback controversy. Jets cover

Buffalo Bills +1 at Kansas City Chiefs: In this kind of game with two pretty much dead teams, I have to take the home field where they just got embarrassed in front of their home crowd. Let’s just say I don’t really think the Bills are going to travel that well. Chiefs cover

Green Bay Packers -3 at Chicago Bears: You couldn’t pay me to pick the Bears this week. Division game, Wild Card at stake, and a terrible Bears defense that’s getting grinded every which way possible? Packers cover

New Orleans Saints -9.5 at Atlanta Falcons: I can pretty much copy and paste what I said last week. The Falcons are too beat up to score. The only thing that might mitigate this whuppin’ is if the Saints start sitting people halfway through the game. And, depending on how many passing records Drew Brees is approaching, that might not happen. Saints cover

Detroit Lions +12.5 at Baltimore Ravens: I can’t expect the Ravens to play an equally pitiful game in front of their home fans. Really, Detroit, could you sit your rookie quarterback before someone removes his rotator cuff and screws your franchise for another five years? I’m begging for an entertaining game by 2015. Ravens cover

Miami Dolphins +2 at Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags looked good against the Texans last week. Unfortunately, you can not use what teams do to the Texans in any sort of logic exercise. Besides the point, the Dolphins have playoff daylight, tiebreaks a-plenty, and likely enough spunk to beat a bad team in what will probably almost be a home game. Dolphins outright

Carolina Panthers +13 at New England Patriots: I’m not convinced New England is still the same New England that one can always pencil in to put up 50 on a bad team like the Patriots of… um… two months ago. Also, am I the only one who half-believes that all this “unrest” from the Patriot locker-room is Belichick playing a game with all our minds? Must win for the Patriots to right the season and make a final push for the playoffs. Patriots cover

Seattle Seahawks +6 at Houston Texans: I hate them so much. Whatever. Seahawks +6

St. Louis Rams +13 at Tennessee Titans: Let’s see if Vince Young responds to the first derailment of his bandwagon. I don’t know… he looked “right” for the first time since college over the last few weeks. The Titan defense has been monstrous against bad teams and I don’t see any reason that should change here. Titans cover

Washington Redskins (Pick) at Oakland Raiders: Since it’s physically impossible for both teams to give a game away in the fourth quarter. Raiders

San Diego Chargers +3 at Dallas Cowboys: Weird sub-plot here… each team’s coach has the ability to choke hard in a big game… and either team’s coach will leave you with at least one moment of “I can’t believed I picked that guy in December to win a big game.” But, honestly, I have to go with history again. The Cowboys just don’t win these games and can you really expect Tony Romo to have two consecutive career days? Until the Cowboys defense shows up for a big game, I simply can’t pick them. Chargers outright

Philadelphia Eagles +1 at New York Giants: Ugh. I can’t expect the Eagles to fold up in December like I can the Cowboys (they wait until after New Year’s to do that). I’m doing my best to dial back any excitement I’m feeling over last week. Objectively, though, the Giants could not stop third downs last week. Even if I allow that the Eagles running game is on life-support, the fact the Cowboys were converting 3rd and 10s like the Giants were standing still last week really makes me doubt their ability to hold down the Eagles’ speedy receivers. My only hope is a bitter, bitter cold December day in the Meadowlands and Brandon Jacobs turning it on like it was 2007. Otherwise, it’s going to be a long, cold night. Giants cover

Monday

Arizona Cardinals -1.5 at San Francisco 49ers: I have a tough time seeing only a 1.5 point spread this week. I feel like the Cardinals are going to score at will here with many, many shots of Stepfordized Brenda Warner. Cardinals cover

Spreads

1) Dolphins +2 over JAGUARS
2) Bengals +8 over VIKINGS
3) Jets -3.5 over BUCS

Blue Point Winter

Brewed By: Blue Point Brewing
Brewed In: Patchogue, NY
ABV: 5.5%
Type: Amber Ale
Awards:

• Gold Medal: Australian International Beer Awards

What they say: Blue Point Brewing’s Winter Ale is a hearty and robust amber ale. Brewed to chase away the chill of a cool winter night. Made with Pale, Vienna, crystal and chocolate malt. This uncommon amber is only brewed during the cold months of the year. Winter Ale is an extremely popular seasonal specialty. Enjoy the tasty balance of malt and hops. Remember this special ale leaves with Winter.

Website: Still the same webpage that I’ve been complaining about for a year now — but now with embedded porno music! On the word that a friend of a friend got a job as the IT department at Harpoon, maybe I should be more proactive. On the other hand, I have to complement them on the easy availability of promotional shots of their product because it prevents me from having to take them.

Why I picked it: Blue Point I haven’t had. I figured if I was getting back in to this after a month or so away, I should start in some comfortable territory.

–

Presentation (5): The presentation in their press image is not the same as the actual 2009 packaging. This year’s design is a more psychedelic blue mosaic design. Of course, since Blue Point’s website is so bad (and makes it impossible to find news), I had to go to the Homestead site on the packaging to find out that the current printing was designed by Long Island artist Danielle DePalma and selected by Blue Point for their 2009 packaging. Because, you know, awesome community relations stuff should be hard to find on your company’s website. Congratulations to Danielle. 4

Originality (5): This falls under the “every craft brewhouse has to have one of these” rule. So, while they don’t get extra points for having a red-colored ale that is sold between November and January, they don’t get penalized for trying to keep up with the Adams’s. 3

Body (10): A see-through red with a healthy head on the pour and a healthy amount of lacing. One would not accuse this beer of being overcarbonated in any way, but it does have just enough to make the flavors play nicely with each other. A much thinner consistency then the standard bearer of this type (Sam’s) but that seems to be a Blue Point thing. Most of Blue Point’s offering seem to go for a less heavy vibe. 6

Taste (10): There was a strong, very noticeable flavor in this beer that I couldn’t quite place. After reading the label, I realized it was chocolate malts. Then I realized it was an overwhelmingly commanding flavor. The Sam version of this beer is a complex mix of cinnamon, ginger, citrus, and nonsense. This doesn’t have many different characteristics. This is a very rare miss from Blue Point in the taste category as the Sam (and Harpoon) versions of the same blow it out of the water. 5

Efficiency (10): The low-ish ABV is made up for by the lightness of this ale. It is incredibly easy to drink, refreshing, light, and wonderful. Unfortunately, the total ABV is just a little too low for a six-pack that I’m spending $12 (Manhattan) on. 7

Versatility (10): This is an extremely drinkable Winter offering; less heavy than Sam’s and less deathly than Brooklyn’s. Really, for entertaining, its relatively low ABV makes it a winner for guests who may have to leave and the distinct, easily identifiable flavor would likely fit the taste of most everyone who doesn’t opt for the wine at your holiday party. You really don’t want to only offer Coors Light to your guests, do you?7

The Snob Sez: If the above reads as a strong criticism to this beer, don’t take it wrong. It’s a delicious beer on its own merits and something I actually enjoyed drinking. The problem is that Blue Point’s in a market with a champion (Sam Adams Winter Lager), a strong runner-up (Harpoon Winter Warmer), and even a strong second runner-up (Great Divide’s Hibernation). Besides that, with the other winter seasonals like the amazing Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout, Blue Point’s in a crowded marketplace in the “get drunk because the family’s around” season. It’s a perfectly acceptable beer — tasty even — but if Blue Point wanted to bring it into a crowded seasonal market full of heavy hitters, they need to bring it harder than this.

Final Score: 32 (of 50) – Good beer

Thursday

Pittsburgh Steelers -10 at Cleveland Browns: I’m definitely taking the points. Short week on the road down their best receiver, their best defensive player, and their quarterback still in that four-week window of recently concussed. The only question I have is whether or not the Browns have enough ability to actually knock the Steelers off an end their season. I…. I just can’t do it. Browns +10

Results

W/W – Jets -2.5 over Bills, 19-13, Jets cover: I may or may not have spent a half-hour looking for an illegal stream of this game so I could avoid going to Costanzo’s to watch it. Not only was the half-hour spent searching not worth it, but the thought of maybe going to watch it at the bar wasn’t worth it. Especially with a far superior Oregon/Oregon State game on ESPN.

W/L – Broncos -4 over Chiefs, 44-13, Chiefs +4: This was just the first of many, many spreads I was off on this week. One might say I was wrong all but five times.

L/L – Raiders +9.5 over Steelers, 27-24, Steelers cover: So much for the Steelers striking fear in to the AFC. This game was so bad I spent a long time trying to decide whether or not I’d take the Browns for the Thursday night game. Since I’ll do the pick later, I still don’t have a decision.

L/L – Jags over Texans, 23-18, Texans: I hate the Texans. So much. I wish they would be contracted. This is the third straight year that I absolutely can not pick them.

W/L – Colts -7.5 over Titans, 27-17, Titans +7.5: Didn’t see any highlights of this game, but it’s an unsurprising result. This brings up something I’ve thought about in recent weeks. Is it possible that the Colts are the team of the decade instead of the Patriots? Are the three Super Bowl wins that much more important then the Colts just dominating the league for 8 straight years?

W/W – Eagles -3.5 over Falcons, 34-7, Eagles cover: This game was only fun for the fact we got to see Michael Vick actually make a few plays. Just enough to tantalize someone in to giving him a contract next year.

W/L – Bengals -13 over Lions, 23-13, Bengals cover: And, what I’ll refer to as “The Great Spread Massacre Of 2009″ continues.

W/L – Saints -8.5 over Redskins, 33-30, Saints cover: The end of this game stacked up with the beginning of the Giants/Cowboys game, so I didn’t see all the shenanigans that occurred afterward. I’ll just say that it’s possible the Saints have gotten a little lucky with some of their wins. No, ESPN, this doesn’t mean that they’re overrated, it means that every NFL football team, no matter how bad they are, can put it together for one week and play a tough game. This is why random losses can be thrown out (ie: Raiders over Eagles).

W/L – Panthers -6.5 over Bucs, 16-6, Bucs +6.5: How bad have you been in a season when 14/20, 161, 0 TD, 1 INT is good enough to keep you on the bench. Jake Delhomme, everybody!

W/L – Bears -9 over Rams, 17-9, Bears cover: Epic point spread failure this week. Nearly everything I thought would cover didn’t and vice versa. Have I mentioned that yet?

W/W – Dolphins +6.5 over Patriots, 22-21, Dolphins outright: Because of the nature of the NFL and my lack of direct TV, I only really get to regularly watch two divisions. Is it this normal in other divisions that a team just ALWAYS has everything go wrong in one of their rivals stadium? For Miami it’s Buffalo (which is why losing that home game last year was a huge deal) and for New England it’s Miami. Don’t look now, folks, but Miami has two wins left on their schedule, and an outside shot to win at least one of the two against Tennessee or Pittsburgh. With a solid tie-break over the Patriots, they’re only a half-game back with four to play. The AFC East is more interesting then it has any right to be. And, yes, this is still discounting the Jets.

W/W – Chargers -12.5 over Browns, 30-23, Browns +12.5: I got one correct!

L/L – Seahawks -1 over Niners, 20-17, Niners outright: If a tree falls in the forest, etc.

W/W – Giants -1 over Cowboys, 31-24, Giants cover: As previously mentioned, I had the pleasure of watching this game out amongst Cowboy fans. It made me realize what the pro-BCS people already knew… if you told me that, next year, they were just going to simply place the best two teams as decided by their schedule and their wins in to the Super Bowl (this year probably the Colts and the Saints) but, in return, I’d be guaranteed an NFC East championship game… I think I’d be on board for that. This game almost made me happier than the Super Bowl win. Almost. I’m not yet under any illusions about the Giants chances going forward… but if they beat the Eagles next week….

L/L – Cardinals +6.5 over Vikings, 30-17, Vikings Cover: Yeah, I forgot my own reasoning when I picked the Steelers to beat the Vikings last month. If the Vikings are going to consistently give 400 yards of offense to teams, good ones are going to take it. With Warner back, it was just a matter of picking the team apart. The funny thing about Warner’s season (again) is that he’s basically doing the same thing Peyton Manning is doing in Indy (carrying the team, winning with no runningback, etc) but getting zero MVP love. Is there any question that this team is like 3-9 with Leinart at the helm instead of Warner throwing bullets down the field? Sadly he’s doing the same thing in a year where THREE ESPN sweethearts are also doing it.

L/L – Packers -2.5 over Ravens, 27-14, Ravens outright: Either the Ravens are worse than I thought or the Packers are much better. I guess I’ll go with the former. Flacco spent so much of last year getting over-the-top media love that I forget what life is like with a second year quarterback. Some bad decisions in the name of “making a play”.

Spreads

1) Ravens +3 over PACKERS – L
2) Saints -9.5 over REDSKINS – L
3) Eagles -5.5 over FALCONS – W

Standings

Straight Up: 11-5 (129-63)
Against The Spread: 5-11 (90-102). And thus goes my chances at .500 this year.
Spreadery: 1-2 1 point (15-23, 25)
– Joe: 33
– Aaron: 31
– Tom: 25