One New York Life

I’m going to go ahead and assume that most readers of this blog aren’t now, nor have ever been, in to Dungeons & Dragons. If you were, you probably aren’t in to Fourth Edition. This will be Greek to you. Sorry. Please feel free to skip this.

To be honest, I’m not really into Fourth Edition either. I’ve been playing it because my group switched over to it. I got dragged, kicking and screaming, in to the new edition. And not in the same way as I got dragged in to Third Edition but then realized within a few weeks that it was far superior to Second Edition. But more in a “wow, I hate this and it’s not getting better because almost everything they said they were fixing in Fourth Edition is happening again as more books come out” sort of way. With Fourth Edition, Wizards of the Coast decided to take WoW and D&D’s origin as a miniatures game, shake them together, and spit out a new edition full of level-based powers, the idea that everyone should have an equal role in combat, and nerfing the idea of D&D as a “role-playing” game and morphing it in to a “real-time strategy” game. The flexibility (almost too flexible) of character creation from 3rd and 3.5rd editions were gone and replaced with this very rigid, very ordered, very (temporarily) balanced character creation. Wizards could cast magic missile every turn instead of once per day and do similar damage to fighters. Clerics were something other than heal sticks. Life was happy.

Sadly, something sacrificed to the Lords Of Balance was multiclassing. For the most part, multiclassing got hosed. The rigid point-buy system made all but the most closely associated classes nearly impossible and the scaling of monster defenses made it almost suicidal to not max out your class’s primary statistic. I learned this the hard way when my first character created under Fourth Edition rules was a Human Tactical Warlord with the 16/16/13 stat build. The character’s attacks in combat are based on strength, but the benefits he gives to the party are based on Intelligence. For the benefit of the party, I made my Strength and Intelligence equal, put the stat boost in Strength, and flailed ineffectually in combat while the party benefited from the character’s Intelligence abilities. Not as fun as you might think in a version that is heavily, heavily geared toward combat. As the character leveled, I tried to dabble in multiclass Wizardry and, like mostly everyone else, got frustrated by the lack of good multiclass stuff in 4ed. I complained about the lack of ranged Warlords because, I argued, leaders should be able to lead from distance. I complained that I couldn’t effectively make use of multiclassing because the Warlord’s intelligence, while high, couldn’t effectively use implement powers. This went on until, I’m sure, my group got sick of listening. Eventually, when we went on a month-long break, and very soon after Arcane Power came out, I thought maybe there might be a way to do the multiclass.

The Warlord class offers something no other class does — two at-will abilities that don’t require you to actually HIT anything’s AC. Commander’s Strike from the Player’s Handbook (PHB1) and Opening Shove from Martial Powers (MP) both offer benefits based on the Warlord’s Intelligence instead of his Strength. Effectively, he benefits from having a statistic other than the primary being the best. So, if the Warlord maxes Intelligence instead of Strength, then his at-will attack deals 1W + Fighter’s Strength + Warlord’s Intelligence. When used correctly, that’s a 1W + double max stat at-will — something available to no other classes. Opening Shove, on the other hand, requires a hit, but it requires a hit against something other than AC. With a strength of 14, the Warlord is getting +2 from his statistic and +3 from a longsword. +5 is exactly what an implement attacker of the same level gets to target things other than AC. With this realization and the knowledge that the Warlord’s action point boost and many of its feats are keyed on Intelligence, I started building the Warlord with the idea that 1) maybe I could build a character while willfully ignoring his primary stat and 2) get ranged attacks from something other than Warlord that’s keyed on Intelligence… like Wizard.

With this in mind, I threw out the entire character I had, started with the 18/14/11 build, used Eladrin, and started with 20 Int and 14 Strength. The high Intelligence, change of race, and first level feat (Multiclass Wizard from PHB) immediately addressed two problems with the low level Warlord: two extra points of AC, the ability to escape bad situations (Eladrin teleport), and a ranged attack (Scorching Burst or Magic Missile). Round out the level one abilities with the Hammer and Anvil encounter (PHB1, Weapon, Strength vs. Reflex) and Fearless Rescue daily (MP, Weapon, Strength +1 vs. AC, heal a dead ally), the character only has one ability that targets AC, and that one has a useful effect even in the case of a miss.

From there, the character builds slowly. At level two, as an Eladrin, add Eladrin Sword Wizardry (AP) to give the character longswords as implements. Using the longsword as an implement, you effectively have a double magic item that will eventually boost all attacks. At fourth level, replace the level 3 Warlord encounter with Icy Rays (PHB1). At level 6, take Melee Training (PHB2) and the character now has melee basics on par with the fighter’s and implement attacks on par with the wizard’s. At level 8, take the utility replacement to get Shield (PHB1) to escape one attack. At level 10, take the Daily replacement power to get a Wizard Daily. With the daily and encounter swap feats, it opens up the ability to select wizard powers at levels where there isn’t an available Weapon vs. non-AC strength attack for Warlords.

At paragon level, I chose to go with Wizard of the Spiral Tower from PHB1 because of its two awesome immediate benefits. First, it grants longsword as implement, allowing you retrain that feat in to something else (like Tactical Inspiration from MP which grants your INT bonus to healing word). Second, it grants you the unbelievably awesome The One Sword encounter attack power which is a Weapon, 2W + Int + Daze power that targets non-AC that isn’t expended when it hits.

If you’re keeping track, that means this particular build with maxed Intelligence is now basic attacking at +6 (same as a max-Strength fighter), healing at 3d6+6 (same as a max-Wisdom cleric), implement attacking at +6 (same as a max-Int wizard), granting +3 to your allies on all their action point attacks (+3/+6 at 12th level when you take Tactical Assault Surge), and (as long as you take only Warlord abilities that target non-AC) weapon attacking against defenses at about the same rate as a max-stat implement attacker. His at will is dealing 1W + 12 + whatever goodness the fighter has for Melee Basics. He’s able to shift both his party and bad guys around the battle field, has healing, range, melee, defense, and is generally awesome.

I haven’t really found any other builds where this is valid as it relies hugely on the Warlord’s unique at-will selection and plenty of available weapon powers that target things other than AC. But, if you go way, WAY outside the box, there is a way to save multiclassing.

At Level 12 assuming +3 gear:

Stats: S:17,C:11,D:11,I:23,W:11,C:12 S:17,C:11,D:14,I:23,W:9,C:11
Trained Skills: Arcana, Athletics, Diplomacy, Endurance, Heal, Perception
Defenses: AC:29, F:22, R:25, W:21
Feats: Multiclass Wizard, Multiclass encounter, Multiclass utility, Multiclass daily, Melee Training (INT for MBAs), Tactical Inspiration (INT to healing), Tactical Assault (INT to action point damage).
At-Will: Commander’s Strike, Opening Shove
Encounter: Magic Missile, Hammer and Anvil, Luring Focus (L1 in L3 slot), Fire Burst, The One Sword
Daily: Fearless Rescue, A Rock And A Hard Place, Taunting Phantoms
Utility: Forward Observer, Shield, Marked Revelation, Shape The Dream
Melee Basic/The One Sword: +19/+9
Weapon: +16/+6
Implement: +16/+9
Healing Word: +3d6 + 6

1) Season 4′s primary theme appears to be duality. There are some heavy handed references. Clark returns to Earth in a blaze of fire as Kal-El, which is the third distinct personality we’ve seen in him: “Clark” is the Kent-raised boy we all know and love, “Kal” is the red kryptonite fueled Superman without morals, and “Kal-El” is the version of Superman that Bruce Wayne would become if suddenly given those powers. In addition to Clark’s dual personality, Lana picks up the spirit of a 400 year old witch, Chloe learns of Clark’s abilities and has to be with Clark while hiding her own secret, new guy Jason turns evil mid-season to work for his mother, Lionel Luthor temporarily steals Clark’s body and this causes him to repress his evilness and turn good, and the incredibly awesome “split Lex” episode where they borrow the Star Trek plot of someone being split in to two people — one with all their goodness and one with all their evil.

2) The secondary theme is finally, in the fourth season, addressing the “destiny” that Jor-El has been hinting at since season one. The destiny is, apparently, to unite three stones of knowledge to do…… something. It’s never really clear what these stones do except they contain “all the knowledge of Krypton.” They give the audience frustratingly little. We discover that Kryptonians hid the stones on Earth over 400 years ago and a witch in ancient France was looking for them. It’s still not particularly clear the number of Kryptonians who know about Earth.

3) As for the new characters, Sam Jones III was replaced with Jensen Ackles. Ackles plays a guy Lana meets during her summer in France. She somewhat creepily starts dating an ex-college quarterback who happens to look almost exactly like her recently dead high school quarterback boyfriend. Later, he turns up in Smallville working as a coach at Smallville High for her senior year. As the season wears on, we discover that their meeting probably was arranged by his mother (played by Jane Seymour) who is obsessed with finding the aforementioned three stones. Glossed over is the weird fact that 17-year-old Lois meets 22-year-old college guy in Paris who then follows her back to Smallville, gets a job as a football coach in her high school, and ostensibly starts secretly banging her. Also introduced this season, Lois Lane, who is supposed to be 19 but looks 37. Erica Durance won’t join the credits until next season but, well, she’s Lois Lane so it bears mentioning. Metropolis University refuses to accept her because she’s missing a few high school credits and, since her father is an army general stationed on a base in Smallville, she has to repeat her senior year at Smallville High.

4) Margot Kidder also briefly joins the cast as Dr Swann’s (played by Christopher Reeve) assistant. I think she really shows up because this year marked Reeve’s passing. They likely needed someone to enlighten Clark to the presence of the stones and give them a hint to what they do which include, but are not limited to, restoring Clark’s powers when they’re lost, hurting high school girls possessed by witches, swapping bodies, and allowing Jor-El to take over Lionel Luthor’s body. Nothing says deus ex machina like random artifacts. Margot Kidder ended up as a body by season’s end to get one of the stones in to Lionel’s hands. It was nice that Dr. Swann’s final message to Clark on his passing was about forging destiny and such. I thought it handled Reeve’s passing nicely.

5) Little thing that I really appreciated from season four: Clark decides he’s going to be a football player and Chloe, seeing that Lana and Clark are finally done, goes to a pep rally to cheer Clark on. At the pep rally, Avril Lavigne’s “So Much For My Happy Ending” is playing in the background. Chloe is smiling and happy, until she notices that Clark seems to be flirty with Lois Lane. Without missing a beat, Chloe goes from smiling to crestfallen as she realize Clark has jumped right from having a thing for Lana to having a thing for Lois and she’s missed her shot again. Her face changes at the exact moment the lyrics say “so much for my happy ending.” Without missing a beat it goes from pep rally song to “you poor thing” song.

6) Season four marks the point at which we start collecting some other DC characters. Flash shows up as a petty thief. Mxlpltk arrives as a Russian bookie who uses his powers to change the outcome of football games to his own benefit. We also get one of the few “rehabilitated” meteor freaks as Fatal Attraction Alicia gets out of Belle Reve after her obsession with Clark is cured. As per usual, though, the Smallville writers waste very little time in killing her off two episodes later. And, as per usual, I didn’t really understand the purpose in killing her off. She made a decent version of Catwoman for this show. She appeared and tried to get Clark to fall back in love with her. When she saw his morals were what was keeping him away, she dosed him with red kryptonite and took him to Vegas. After an attack of conscience, she takes the red kryptonite off, apologizes, and teleports away. Then, to prove to Chloe that not all meteor-freaks are bad people, Alicia kidnaps Chloe and sets up a situation where Chloe has to see Clark use his abilities. Then dies. Of course.

7) Most absurd moment of the season… and possibly the series. Lana is taken over by a 400 year old countess witch during her trip to France (less ridiculous as we discover it was set-up by Genvieve and Jason Teague). The countess is a distant relative of Lana who was able to store her essence in such a way as she’d be able to resurrect inside an ancestor. After Lana suspects what’s going on, she researches the countess and finds that she had a journal/spellbook that survived the years. She finds the countess’s 400-year-old spellbook…. on eBay. Really? Ancient spellbooks on Ebay? Of all the Spellbooks on eBay, none are ancient and most are Magic cards.

8) You know how at a certain point in the 24 universe, it gets really old when certain people don’t listen to Jack Bauer because he’s never, ever wrong? I’m officially there in Smallville. Like, when Clark tells you that something’s up with someone, he’s yet to be wrong. Clark mentions that Jason might not be entirely on the up and up, and Lana freaks out. Someone tattles on Jason at school (that he’s dating a student) and she immediately blames Clark and assume he’s being jealous — even though he’s never shown any jealous tendencies. Superman deserves Jack Bauer status.

9) Probably the best episode of this show I’ve seen to this point in the series borrows from an episode of original Star Trek. Due to an experiment with onyx kryptonite, Lex Luthor gets divided in to two people — one holding all his goodness and one holding all his evil. We finally get just balls-out, evil genius Lex Luthor… and it’s awesome. Just great to see what (I hope) we’re going to get from Michael Rosenbaum by the end of the series. Lex, wearing a kryptonite ring, beats up Clark in his barn. When the Kents arrive to break it up, Lex shoots him in the leg and says “You were right about me all along Mr. Kent. I am the villain of the story.” Later, in a fantastic nod to fanboys — Lex, still wearing the ring, beats the bejesus out of Clark. Toward the end, he delivers this line: “I want you to remember this day, Clark. I want you to remember that despite all your amazing powers, there was one man that beat you.” This is almost exactly the same line Batman delivers in Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns — an incredible book released right around the time the Watchman graphic novel in which an older Batman is tapped to defeat a government-controlled Superman. Just before Batman lets Clark go, he says: “I want you to remember, Clark… in all the years to come… in your most private moments… I want you to remember my hand at your throat… I want you to remember the one man who beat you…” Loved it. This is also the second time Lex has learned about Clark’s powers and forgotten about it for one reason or another.

10) The season ends in normal Smallville, cliffhanger fashion. Amidst a second meteor shower, Clark finally assembles the three stones and finds himself teleported to the real Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic. Lana, while attempting to escape the meteor shower is in a helicopter crash and finds a new Kryptonian spaceship. Clark has ostensibly fulfilled part of Kryptonian destiny, Chloe travels to the Arctic with Clark and will soon reveal her secret, Lana has divested herself of her alternate personality, and the Teaghe family is likely dead.

Thursday

Green Bay Packers -8 at Detroit Lions: Just when I thought the Lions game on Thanksgiving might be fun to watch with Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson — Daunte Culpepper outta nowhere. Is the NFL happy with their 1pm Thanksgiving game being a disaster every year? I guess they must be. Packers cover

Oakland Raiders -14 at Dallas Cowboys: The Cowboys have a habit of crushing bad teams on Thanksgiving before going in to their NFL-sanctioned, late-season bye week. While I don’t think the Cowboys are great, I think that 14 points is way too high. Raiders +14

New York Giants -6 at Denver Broncos: You know what makes me happy? Drinking a bunch of Winter Lager at my parents’ house, stuffing myself with my mom’s random collection of deviled eggs, pepperoni bread, and boneless wings to warm up — followed by her collection of turkey breast, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, two pies, and citrus and Cool Whip pudding combined with my dad’s recent addition of barbecue-grilled turkey legs, crashing on the couch to fight off a food coma, followed by driving to a goddam bar with the NFL Package to watch the Giants game while attempting to stay awake and choke down more beer that I absolutely won’t want. Thanks, NFL! Your fan-friendly policy of disallowing people in New York to see the Giants on Thanksgiving remains excellent! Soapbox aside, I don’t love that the Giants played a game in New York three days ago… but I do love that it’s against Chris Simms and a reeling team. Considering how toasted the Giants defense was in the fourth quarter of the New York game, I don’t love their chances at holding a big lead on three days rest where there’s less air. Broncos +6

Sunday

Indianapolis Colts -3 at Houston Texans: The Colts have played two of the best teams in the AFC to close games. Clearly that means the Texans will stick right with them. Colts cover

Cleveland Browns +14 at Cincinnati Bengals: I really hate weeks like these that are just laden with points. They’re so ridiculous to pick. Last week was a hiccup, I think. Home against the Brown is not the same as on the road vs. a rival. Bengals cover

Chicago Bears +11 at Minnesota Vikings: I guess, after last week, that I now believe the Vikings are just going to cover all spreads. Like, what can a defense do against them at this point? If they don’t stack the box, Peterson runs for a billion yards. If they do stack the box and make Favre beat them, he picks them apart because he doesn’t have to “make a play.” In a dome? eesh. Vikings cover

Washington Redskins +10 at Philadelphia Eagles: *Checks reasoning for last week* *Sees loss* Redskins +10

Miami Dolphins -3 at Buffalo Bills: This is one of those “X always plays Y tough” games. But, with the spread only at three, I kinda have to just go with who I think is better — especially considering I don’t think the Bills have anyone on the field who can stop Rickey Williams. Dolphins cover

Arizona Cardinals at Tennessee Titans: I’m just happy I get to finally shine up and dust off “All Vince Young does is win football games.” Titans

Seattle Seahawks -2.5 at St. Louis Rams: Seems like the Seahawks are just playing out the season at this point. The Rams are dealing with Steve Spagnuolo’s insane movements on the sidelines. Big difference here — Spags’s defense vs. a horrible offensive line. Rams outright

Tampa Bay Bucs +11.5 at Atlanta Falcons: Not a shot the Falcons don’t grab back the game they lost on the Giants. Decisively. Falcons cover

Carolina Panthers +3 at New York Jets: Two bad teams. I’ll take the home team. Jets cover

Jacksonville Jaguars +3 at San Francisco 49ers: I find this confusing. I see no earthly way that the Niners aren’t either getting 3 or are a straight up pick with the Jaguars. Makes no sense to me… and the NFC West rule with the Niners. Jaguars outright

Kansas City Chiefs +13.5 at San Diego Chargers: At this point, I’m trusting the Chargers to crush bad teams… even bad teams that show flashes of better. Chargers cover

Pittsburgh Steelers +1 at Baltimore Ravens: This is one of those weird spreads based on a crazy loss. I’m pretty sure this will be an ugly game by the Steelers, but one they probably pull out. Steelers outright

Monday

New England Patriots +3 at New Orleans Saints: The Saints have been slipping a little in recent weeks. Really, all signs point to the Patriots coming in and bringing the Saints a little taste of reality. And I don’t know why I’m not comfortable with pulling the trigger on taking them. I mean, the Patriots WITH points? I have to do it, though. Patriots outright

Spreadery

1) Rams +3 over Seahawks
2) Patriots +3 over Saints
3) Jags +3.5 over Niners

Results

W/W – Dolphins +3 over Panthers, 24-17, Dolphins outright: Sadly, I didn’t see this game since I was up in the Time Warner zone instead of the RCN zone. Well done, NFL. Happily, Rickey Williams’s 30 point day clinched me a playoff spot.

W/L – Lions -2.5 over Browns, 38-37, Lions cover: All rookie quarterbacks should have to watch a video, recorded by Chad Pennington, on why you shouldn’t risk your career toughing out shoulder injuries. Because in three years, fans won’t care your shoulder sucks because you tried to gut out a win. They’ll just care that your shoulder sucks.

W/L – Jaguars -8.5 over Bills, 18-15, Jaguars cover: This game was up against the Giants so I didn’t see much of it. In retrospect, a silly cover pick… but I apparently had a lot of those this week.

L/L – Chiefs +9.5 over Steelers, 27-24, Steelers cover: 1/2 the reason most knockout pools came to an end this week. Taking the Steelers to cover a big spread, again, was stupid on my part but you can’t predict injury.

W/W – Colts +1 over Ravens, 17-15, Colts outright: Never understood this spread from the beginning. The worst part of this game was that the Time Warner show guide said this was the 1 pm game on CBS and then they swerved me and threw us to Buffalo/Jacksonville. I hadn’t been this let down since the Gobbeldy-Gooker ruined Survivor Series. (Timely!)

W/L – Giants -6 over Falcons, 34-31, Giants cover: Dear New York Giants, I’m not sure how I feel about you running Florida’s spread offense and throwing it 50 times a game but, if you’re going to do that, please let me know so I can start Eli Manning. K-thx. Tom PS: Coach Antonio Pierce is the best personnel decisions you’ve made all year. Need his spirit and new legs. Good call. Also, if you could get the team to play defense for 60 minutes instead of 38, that’d be great. Also, if you could fire the current defensive coordinator and give John Fox a call after his own firing, that’d be great.

W/W – Packers -5.5 over Niners, 30-24, Packers cover: NFC West rule — holding serve.

W/L – Vikings -11 over Seahawks, 35-9, Seahawks +11: After this game, is there anyone still playing on the Seahawks? Does that city just require a small tax of bone and muscle density when you move there? I think it’d be tough to sign free agents.

W/L – Cowboys -12 over Redskins, 7-6, Cowboys cover: See, sometimes Dallas gets so much credit that even I get caught up in it. I need to follow my NFC East rule at all times and just live with the occasional losses.

W/W – Saints -11.5 over Bucs, 38-7, Saints cover: I have to admit, when I saw Tampa had jumped out to an early 7-0 lead, I thought that was a bad sign for this covering. Of course, I didn’t assume on 38 unanswered.

W/W – Cardinals -9 over Rams, 21-13, Rams +9: Actual conversation between Hulse and I when we heard about Warner’s newest concussion. Hulse: “At this point, I can’t even remember how many concussions the guy’s had.” Me: “Yeah, neither can he.” Sometimes, the classics are the best.

W/L – Patriots -10 over Jets, 31-14, Jets +10: OK. They are Patriot enough to take the Jets to the woodshed per usual. As the Jets go, it’s looking more like Ryan should have given the ball to Kellen Clemens at the beginning of the year and let him struggle or fly in early games and then decide what to do with Sanchez. The Giants were willing to give Eli a few years to struggle. I don’t know if the Jets will have the same patience with Sanchez. And, really, an underrated subplot for 2011 is the impending possibility of an uncapped league in a world where Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are free agents and Eli Manning is making $100M/year. Can you imagine how much money Woody Williams would lay on one of these guys if they would be willing to come to the Jets? It boggles the mind.

L/L -Raiders +9.5 over Bengals, 17-20, Bengals cover: The other half of the reason most knockout pools ended yesterday. Can you imagine people who picked the Bengals yesterday in those cases watching that kickoff, seeing him inexplicably take it out of the end zone, and then the fumble? How many pint glasses were broken in bars across the country at that exact moment? 750,000?

W/W – Chargers -2.5 over Broncos, 32-3, Chargers cover: Fantastic. The Chargers are back. Yee-haw.

L/L – Eagles -2 over Bears, 24-20, Bears outright: I guess the Eagles slide is over. Going to be an interesting last six weeks in the division. BTW: at what second did Donovan McNabb’s post-game speech to Jay Cutler go from “inspired” to “awkward”? I say after the 20th second.

W/W – Titans +3.5 over Texans, 20-17, Titans outright: This is the first time I’ve gotten to watch Vince Young this year and jeez he looked like a good quarterback. Another actual exchange between Hulse and I. Me: “Vince Young looked amazing last night. How did it take until week 9 to start him? Kerry Collins? Really?” Hulse: “Well….hold on. I recall last year Kerry Collins leading them to a 13-3 record while Vince Young may or may not have tried to kill himself.” I found myself unable to counterpoint.

Spreadery

1) Titans +4.5 over Texans – W
2) Bengals -9.5 over Raiders – L
3) Steelers -10 over Chiefs – L

Standings

Straight Up: 13-3 (108-52)
Against The Spread: 7-9 (78-82)
Spreadery: 1-2, 3 pts (14-18, 25)… Gained another 2 points on the lead. At this rate I’ll catch up to respectability by approximately Week 27.
– Joe (32)
– Aaron (30)
– Tom (24)

Thursday

W/W – Miami Dolphins +3 at Carolina Panthers: Well, this should involve a lot of runningbacks. Here’s the thing though… Michael Turner managed 111 yards in ONE HALF. What are is Rickey Williams and Ronnie Brown going to do? The answer is probably “run a lot” and, don’t look now, but Chad Henne doesn’t suck. He’s probably completely ruined and will never be able to play in a traditional offense but, as for now, get some. Dolphins outright

Sunday

Cleveland Browns +2.5 at Detroit Lions: Yikes. I wonder if the good people of Detroit are rooting for this trainwreck to be blacked out. Since I have to pick this game — Matthew Stafford has shown some flashes of being a good quarterback and the Lions’ defense played 3 good quarters last week. The Browns allowed a touchdown to the Ravens because they only had 10 guys on the field. Lions *ugh* cover

Buffalo Bills +8.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars: The AFC South teams have been crushing Buffalo. I’m pretty sure that keeps happening here. Jaguars cover

Pittsburgh Steelers -9.5 at Kansas City Chiefs: Everything here smells like a big bounceback game for the Steelers. As much as I hate taking the Steelers to cover big spreads, the Chiefs haven’t covered a spread against a good team all season. Steelers cover

Indianapolis Colts +1 at Baltimore Ravens: So… Vegas is calling for a letdown game. Really? Against a team that required the Browns to spot them a defensive player to score a touchdown? Maybe no one’s noticed the fact that Colts, historically, crush everyone and go 12-0 before mailing in December? And I get a point? Colts outright

Atlanta Falcons +6 at New York Giants: This is kind of a playoff game for both teams. If the Giants fall to a Wild Card, they’re already losing the tiebreak to the Eagles — so having a tiebreak against another possible Wild Card team is kind of a big deal. The Giants are home, they’re coming off a bye, and Michael Turner probably isn’t playing or is playing in a super limited role. If the Giants don’t win this game, the season is over. Giants cover

San Francisco 49ers +5.5 at Green Bay Packers: OK, back to the NFC West rule. Packers cover

Seattle Seahawks +11 at Minnesota Vikings: Hasselback in a dome with the Vikes best corner not playing. Too many points. Seahawks +11

Washington Redskins +12 at Dallas Cowboys: The ‘Skins are violating the NFC East rule by totally giving up on their coach due to the owner. The Cowboys are going to score two quick in the first quarter and the rest of the game will have a postage stamp on it. Cowboys cover

New Orleans Saints -11.5 at Tampa Bay Bucs: The Bucs win and newfound ability to play teams close doesn’t impress me that much. Pretty sure Brees has a big fantasy day here. Saints cover

Arizona Cardinals -9 at St. Louis Rams: Oddly, the Rams have been decent at holding great passing games to fewer points than you’d expect. I see no reason they don’t do it here. Rams +9

New York Jets +10 at New England Patriots: In the old days, this is textbook case of the Patriots just beating up the Jets. Here’s the thing — minus that insane game vs the Titans, these aren’t those Patriots. Besides that point, I think this team is still going to play hard for Rex Ryan and they’re not a horrific team. They’re just not good. Too many points. Jets +10

Cincinnati Bengals -9.5 at Oakland Raiders: Right. Bengals cover

San Diego Chargers -2.5 at Denver Broncos: Who would have ever thought the following sentence would be typed. “Without Kyle Orton, the Broncos don’t have a shot.” Chargers cover

Philadelphia Eagles -2 at Chicago Bears: So, the Eagles have managed to go from “best in the NFC East” to “maybe a wildcard” in two weeks. This skid has to end sometime… the problem is that I don’t know if it ends on the road with no Brian Westbrook. I have a weird feeling it doesn’t. Bears outright

Monday

Tennessee Titans +3.5 at Houston Texans: I’m riding my Vince Young bandwagon until it crashes and burns. Titans outright

Spreadery

1) Titans +4.5 over Texans
2) Bengals -9.5 over Raiders
3) Steelers -10 over Chiefs

Thursday

Miami Dolphins +3 at Carolina Panthers: Well, this should involve a lot of runningbacks. Here’s the thing though… Michael Turner managed 111 yards in ONE HALF. What are Rickey Williams and Ronnie Brown going to do? The answer is probably “run a lot” and, don’t look now, but Chad Henne doesn’t suck. He’s probably completely ruined and will never be able to play in a traditional offense but, as for now, get some. Dolphins outright

Results

W/W – 49ers -3 over Bears, 10-6, Niners cover: This was one of the most unwatchable football games I’ve ever seen. Who could have guessed it would be one-upped twice before the weekend was over. By the by, Jay Cutler is a terrible quarterback. His interception on the last play of the game, with 10 free, unobstructed yards between him and the end zone with a timeout in his pocket was unforgivable. Unless he’s a member of the Rex Ryan “free tacos for leftover timeouts” club… in which case… Mmmm, Tacos.

L/W – Jags +6.5 over Jets, 24-22, Jaguars +6.5: Tom Jackson’s take on Maurice Jones-Drew’s 1 yardline knee was silly. “I don’t believe in not taking points when you have them. Anything can happen… a fumbled snap, a missed field goal… it’s too risky.” If a coach is basing his play-calling on 0.0000089% chances, you’re either an idiot or Eric Mangini. Of course, this is the NFL, where even play calls that make sense get second guessed. More on that later.

L/L – Redskins +4.5 over Broncos 27-17, Broncos cover: Curious which game lost more suicide pools in Week 10 — this or Carolina. In other news, the Supreme Court declined to hear a challenge to the Redskins team name. It’s never going away, people. Just stop.

W/W – Bengals +6.5 over Steelers, 18-12, Bengals outright: Sadly, this will end my streak of being able to take the Bengals in good spots with points. Of course, it won’t prevent people from giving the Steelers more points than they deserve, so there’s still that.

W/W – Titans -6.5 over Bills, 41-17: That Vince Young bandwagon’s going to start getting crowded… even though he’s not doing much. BTW: is an 86-year-old man flipping people off the funniest sports-related story you’ve seen in the last five years? I have to say yes.

W/L – Vikings -15.5 over Lions, 27-10, Lions +15.5: I was right about Favre not playing all the second half. I was right about Tavaris not scoring. I just wasn’t right about the Lions managing to score in that spot. That said — this is the first time I’ve seen Stafford. He’s not bad. If they weren’t the Lions, I could foresee them being the 2010 or 2011 surprise team. I’d also like to thank the Albany Fox affiliate for sticking with this game right through the bitter end, even after Favre was out of the game, instead of switching over to any bonus coverage or going to the kickoff of the Pack/Cowboys game.

W/L – Saints -14 over Rams, 28-23, Saints cover: The Saints’ cracks are starting to show a little. There’s not a better guy to exploit cracks than Spagnuolo. It wasn’t quite enough to get the win, but it’s one of those blueprints that people are going to get a look at.

L/L – Panthers +1.5 over Falcons, 28-19, Falcons cover: I blame Michael Turner’s high ankle.

W/L – Dolphins -9.5 over Bucs, 25-23, Dolphins cover: The most exciting part of this season is turning out to be a tie between the Battery Park Plainsmen’s first place run in PLR’s work fantasy football league and my over/under 7 wins for the Dolphins with my friend Hulse. As of now, The Fish are at 4 wins and we’re both equally terrified.

W/W – Chiefs +1.5 over Raiders, 16-10, Chiefs outright: Sure, why not.

W/W – Cardinals -9 over Seahawks, 31-20, Cardinals cover: It appears the Cardinals knew the spread in this game and decided to spot it to the Seahawks to be cute.

L/L – Chargers -2.5 over Eagles, 31-23, Eagles outright: Either the Chargers are better than I thought or the Eagles are much worse. The moral of this story is only that they’re both better than the Giants.

L/L – Packers -1 over Cowboys, 17-7, Cowboys outright: I guess I just kinda discounted that this was a must-win for the Packers. I also discounted the Cowboy defense’s ability to just decide to not show up some weeks. Sadly, this is the Giants best week in the last four and they didn’t even play. They picked up a half game against both the Eagles and the Cowboys sitting home. This was also, quite possibly, one of the worst football games I’ve ever seen. It somehow beat the Thursday game. Between penalties, bad play, and everything else — the second half was nigh unwatchable.

W/L – Colts -3 over Patriots, 35-34, Colts cover: I came down firmly on the side of “Belicheck made a good call.” Here’s why: 1) I don’t buy the “you insulted your defense” argument because the defense had just surrendered a 31-14 lead in less than 12 minutes. 2) Bill Belicheck knows his team better than I do and even I could see his defense was done. With six Ns. Donnnnnne. 3) A coach’s job is to put his team in the best chance to win a game. Belicheck was saying “it doesn’t matter if I give the ball to Peyton on my 30 or his 30… he’s going to score. 4) I’d like someone to ask Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison if they’d be so self-righteous if they were on a squad that had just given Manning 200 yards in 8 minutes. 5) In two other fourth quarter drives, Manning started on his own 20 and went down the field in two minutes for touchdowns. 6) If the defense was insulted, they really didn’t do a great job of proving their point by giving the Colts 30 yards in 2 plays. Peyton Manning could have scored twice from the 30 if they let him. Besides… four-and-out is four-and-out. If the Pats’ defense is so great, stop them at the 30. 7) If you’d told the Colts at the beginning of the game “We’re going to forgo this entire game, but we’re going to give you the ball, down six with two minutes left on the clock and one time out at the 30 of the opponent’s choice” they would have giggled and asked where to sign. The Patriots only chance at winning that game was to use their best player to keep the Colts best player off the field. It didn’t work out.

W/W – Ravens -10.5 over Browns, , Ravens cover: The Browns, and Mangini’s, season can be defined on one play. Ray Rice runs in for a touchdown and the Browns only have 10 defenders on the field. Yup.

1) Falcons -1.5 over PANTHERS – L
2) DOLPHINS -10 over Bucs – L
3) Bengals +7 over STEELERS – W

Standings

Straight Up: 10-5 (95-49)
Against The Spread: 7-8 (71-73)
Spreadery: 1-2, 1 pt (13-16, 22)… I should really get points for somehow managing to pick seven to nine spreads correctly every week, but always being really confident in bad picks.
– Joe (31)
– Aaron (27)
– Tom (21)

Thursday

W/W – Chicago Bears +3 at San Francisco 49ers: And thus one of the eight days I’ll watch the NFL Network this year. Also, props to the NFL Network for taking the only good Thanksgiving Game and not letting anyone see it. Again. Well done, guys. Clearly your success in strongarming Time Warner cable is getting it done. The Niners are actually due to beat someone outside of their division and the Bears have had a pretty solid tendency to fall against teams who have even a decent defense. The Falcons can’t stop anyone and the Bears only put up 14 against them. Besides, all other things being relatively equal, it’s hard to pick against the home team on a short week. Niners cover

Sunday

Jacksonville Jaguars +6.5 at New York Jets: I’m kind of filing this under the whole “bye week at home” thing along with the fact that the Jags are somehow much worse than I thought they were. Jets in a squeaker. Jaguars +6.5

Denver Broncos -4.5 at Washington Redskins: This is a terrifying spread because it makes me wonder if there’s something huge that I’m missing. The Redskins lost to the Falcons last week and the knock on the Broncos is what? They lose to better teams? The ‘Skins are not a better team. Remotely. Broncos cover

Cincinnati Bengals +6.5 at Pittsburgh Steelers: 6.5? Really? The only question here is whether or not the Bengals beat them outright. I don’t understand how the Bengals decisively beat the Ravens last week and this week they’re pulling an extra 3 points? I’ll take it. Bengals outright

Buffalo Bills +6.5 at Tennessee Titans: Vince Young has proven he can be competent against a decent defense. Now they’re on a 2-game win streak, they’re home, and playing a bad team. The Bills are going to get leveled. Titans cover

Detroit Lions +15.5 at Minnesota Vikings: If the stuff about Brett Favre is true, he’s playing one half. Then I want a guy named either Sage or Tavaris to hold serve? No. Lions +15.5

New Orleans Saints -14 at St. Louis Rams: The Saints are going to put up 40 on the Rams. The question is whether the Rams can, in turn, put up 26. I’m going to say no. Saints cover

Atlanta Falcons -1.5 at Carolina Panthers: Slow down, people… just because the Falcons give up points like a college team against good teams doesn’t mean that Micheal Turner isn’t about to ruin what passes for the Panther defense… especially with their best linebacker gone for the season. Falcons cover

Tampa Bay Bucs +9.5 at Miami Dolphins: For the first time this season, I’m honestly considering starting both Ronnie Brown AND Ricky Williams. Is it possible for BOTH guys to rush for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns? Dolphins cover

Kansas City Chiefs +1.5 at Oakland Raiders: Yoof. Is this going to be your national game Bootleg? Has a chance to be even worse than the Thursday game… which should be impossible. Chiefs outright

Seattle Seahawks +9 at Arizona Cardinals: The Seahawks’ ability to beat the Lions last week gives me no more faith in them then I’ve had in previous weeks. Cardinals cover

Philadelphia Eagles +2.5 at San Diego Chargers: The tough part bout watching the Eagles is attempting to guess when the choke machine is 1) gong to rear its ugly head and 2) how long its going to last. The choke machine reared its ugly head last week against Dallas. Meanwhile, folks apparently think San Diego’s last minute comeback against the Giants mean they’re a good team. They’re not. They’re better than the Giants defense. So is moderately competent high school squad. So are the Eagles. Eagles outright

Dallas Cowboys +1 at Green Bay Packers: Again… really? Is this some kind of Lambeau Field spread? The Cowboys are going sack Aaron Rodgers between 12 and 84 times and, because of that, probably grab like 8 picks. Cowboys outright

New England Patriots +3 at Indianapolis Colts: I have absolutely no idea. There’s no good way to judge this game other than who has the better night. Their quality of competition is about the same. They’ve scored and allowed about the same number of points. My gut feeling says Colts, so that’s where I’m going. Colts cover

Monday

Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Brady Quinn might be murdered by the end of the first half quarter drive. Ravens cover

Spreadery

1) Falcons -1.5 over PANTHERS
2) DOLPHINS -10 over Bucs
3) Bengals +7 over STEELERS

Back when this original miniseries aired on NBC, I was just a single-digit TDL. Since I sat through Nightmare On Elm Street way too early in life, I ended up not watching this because I was over-sensitive to scary things. When I found out this was coming back out, I decided to watch the old version. Great for a miniseries, awesome Nazi Germany allegory done in sci-fi right down to the Visitors’ Logo. Jump forward 26 years and we’re back.

The Good

• Wash and Inara from Firefly as a sleeper spy and the leader of the Visitors, Tom from The 4400 as a priest who finds out what’s going on, Rekha Sharma from Battlestar Galactica as the head of the FBI’s Visitor Threat Assessment Task Force, and Supergirl from Smallville as an ambassador. The only person missing is Summer Glau (who, it might be noted, has become the Ted McGinley for sci-fi television). Successful nerd-cred cast selection.
• Juliet from LOST as the FBI agent who discovers her partner of seven years was part of a terrorist cell they’d been investigating. The twist being he was a Visitor and that the Visitors have been on Earth for quite some time. She’s essentially the lead and delivers the two best lines of the pilot. After seeing a video of her idiot son tagging a red V on someone’s shed; “I just want you to know: The fact you’re tagging now — SO proud.” And, upon finding out that the V’s aren’t being completely honest and have some ulterior motives to the priest: “They’re arming themselves with the most powerful weapon there is. Devotion.” The fact that line was being delivered to a Catholic priest was a nice touch.
• I do like the sub-plot of the church being the voice of reason. The best science fiction has the ability to turn preconceptions on their head. There is a scene where Fathers Jack (4400 guy) and Travis are discussing that the arrival of the Visitors has essentially turned hundreds of years of church canon on its head. As the discussion about what the Vatican’s response continues, Father Jack says he doesn’t know how this will affect people’s relationship with the church. Then they turn the corner and surprisingly walk in to an overflowing congregation room — awesome. Father Travis’s almost selfish “the Visitors are the best thing that’s happened to us. I haven’t seen a mass so full in 20 years” was another great touch. And, really, wouldn’t the Church be the voice of reason if something like this were to happen? Wouldn’t people retreat to spirituality if their entire existence was suddenly redefined? Great stuff.
• Just as I was ready to complain a bit about the “they are among us!” Battlestar Galactica or They Live! subplot, they switched it up. The idea of them living among us, but traitors living among THEM was enough. I’m a simple man

The Bad

• So, let me get this straight. The visitors have figured out how to travel through space, make gravity work in the absence of a large object, broadcast a gigantic HD image out of ship’s hull, create a possibly-automated Snitch that explodes and shoots spikes through people, clone human skin and wrap their lizard bodies in it, and cure paralysis… but they haven’t figured out how to record identifiable HD images via their spy cams? They get infrared images with blurred faces? Really?
• I do find it a touch unbelievable that Manhattan would function pretty much as normal with a giant spaceship parked over the city. Minus some protesters, people seem to be just going on about their daily lives. I mean, have they never seen an alien movie before? Even if they hadn’t — when I watched Cloverfield, the scariest part of the movie, for me, was the consistent reminder of how screwed 8 million people would be if they ever had to evacuate Manhattan at the same time. To quote: On some level, everyone who lives here kind of understands that any massive GTFO exodus will cause most of the island to be generally screwed. Do you know where I’m not going to be with imminent destruction hanging directly over my apartment? Not in my f*cking apartment.
• I really could do without another “stupid teenager angry at his FBI agent mom” subplot. It’s predictable and we already all pretty much see where it’s going to end, right? Right.

The Rest

In case you didn’t see where they were going in the first half-hour, the Sledgehammer Of Plot alerted you when patsy reporter Chad Decker (Scott Wolf) interviewed Anna (Inara!) who informed him the Visitors would be setting up free clinics in every city. Decker responds with “So you mean UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE?” It’s easy, right now, to take shots at the GWBs of the world in entertainment. What’s not so easy, in the current climate, is to take shots at what the Obamas of the world are doing. At this particular moment, the masses are fine with the Democrats (specifically Pelosi and Obama) promising them the world without questioning the cost. V has successfully taken that all the way to the full, Utopian view. A pretty, smiling, short-haired woman telling Decker “it’s acceptable to compromise your principles for the greater good” and was excellent. It’s not an error that Anna, in her initial broadcast, tells people “we need a substance that we are out of but exists plentifully on Earth. But before we ask for it, we want to give you all this good stuff.” By the end of the second episode, which covers six weeks or so, NO ONE has asked what, exactly, they want in return. People are too busy taking medical cures and scientific advancements to concern themselves with cost.

Though blue state folks (in a shocking twist) are going to seize on this as a Conservative Conspiracy Against Obama, I think it’s more a dig at the entire political structure. When Decker goes to the New York mothership to interview Anna, she informs him he’s not allowed to ask her any tough questions or paint the Visitors in a poor light. If he doesn’t do this, she threatens to cancel the interview and find someone else to interview her in front of 80 million people. Later, his producer tells him this is fine because ratings were huge. This is the world we live in right now — where the people who supposedly represent us limit the information they’ll give to the press and have the ability to only visit friendly shows. Shows refuse to ask tough questions because, if they do, they lose access to the person. That’s not good.

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention that the entire show is something of an Illuminati allegory, too. The supposed “New World Order” uses reptilians in a lot of their symbolism. The really crazy conspiracy folks believe the real Illuminati are a hidden race of reptilians who have control the world through human hybrids in positions of power.

Definite series recording. Love the first two episodes. Best new show of the season so far.

Week 10 Thursday

Chicago Bears +3 at San Francisco 49ers: And thus one of the eight days I’ll watch the NFL Network this year. Also, props to the NFL Network for taking the only good Thanksgiving Game and not letting anyone see it. Again. Well done, guys. Clearly your success in strongarming Time Warner cable is getting it done. The Niners are actually due to beat someone outside of their division and the Bears have had a pretty solid tendency to fall against teams who have even a decent defense. The Falcons can’t stop anyone and the Bears only put up 14 against them. Besides, all other things being relatively equal, it’s hard to pick against the home team on a short week. Niners cover

Results

W/L – Jaguars -6.5 over Chiefs, 24-21, Jags cover: Who knew that “bounceback” only meant three quarters and wouldn’t affect the defense? Not this guy.

W/W – Bengals +3 over Ravens, 17-7, Bengals outright: Is this enough to confirm the Bengals as a “good team” or does everyone now think the Ravens are a bad team?

W/W – Colts -9 over Texans, 20-17, Texans +9: Add one more game to the list where “plays them hard” translates to “cover”.

W/L – Falcons -11.5 over Redskins, 31-17, Redskins +11.5: Well, they could score against the Falcons… but I guess that Haynesworth contract isn’t working out. Who knew?

L/L – Bucs +10 over Packers, 38-28, Packers cover: Yikes. Nothing else to say except this game probably sunk a million teases.

W/W – Bears -3 over Cardinals, 41-21, Cardinals outright: My ample gut had the right feeling this time. Of course, I’ll remember this one and not the seven dozen times it’s been wrong this season.

W/W – Patriots -10.5 over Dolphins, 27-17, Dolphins +10.5: The Dolphins are going to take this seven-win bet right down to the wire.

W/W – Saints -14 over Panthers, 30-20, Panthers +14: I watched a good bit of this game. I remember almost none of it. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad sign for the Patriots.

W/L – Seahawks -10 over Lions, 32-20, Lions +10: The answer, not murdered enough to lose to a terrible team by less than 10.

W/W – Titans +5 over Niners, 34-27, Titans outright: Kerry whom? The amount the Niners scored here is the main reason I’m taking them over the Bears.

L/W – Chargers +2.5 over Giants, 21-20, Chargers +3.5: I love Tom Coughlin… he will always have a place in my heart. But the decision to put up the white flag on 1st and Goal from the 14 and call screen, run, run and settle for a field goal in a situation where there secondary could get picked about by a solid high school team was unsettling. This defensive coordinator has to go. He was in an issue in training camp when Osi Umenyora stormed out of a team meeting and he was still an issue last week when Antonio Pierce could only muster weak support in a radio interview. The Giants pass rush is non-existent, the defense makes terrible mistakes, and they never look ready for what they’re seeing. Umenyora and Tuck touched Drew Brees three times — THREE — in their loss at New Orleans. This, my friends, is not Giants football. Nor is the disturbing ineffectiveness of Brandon Jacobs. I’m hoping the yearly “re-assessment” shows them something before playing Atlanta and then, four days later, playing Denver… in a game I won’t see… in the state of New York. Thanks NFL!

L/L – Cowboys +3 over Eagles, 20-16, Eagles cover: How did I not see the Eagles choking in a big division game for first place? That’s my bad entirely. In a stunning, late-night upset, Andy Reid somehow took the “Most Inexplicable Field Goal” title from Tom Coughlin. Give the ball away in a touchdown possession game with no time-outs when the other team has Marion Barber? Well done, Andy.

W/W – Steelers -3 over Broncos, 28-10, Steelers cover: Sloppy game all around. In a fun note, my Steve Slaton-tanked fantasy team knocked off the league’s last undefeated team by 5 points due to Hines Ward’s garbage TD. In a season such as this it’s the small victories.

1) EAGLES -3 over Cowboys – L
2) Titans +4 over Niners – W
3) Packers -9.5 over BUCS – L

Standings

Straight Up: 10-3 (85-44)
Against The Spread: 8-5 (64-65)
Spreadery: 1-2, 2 pts (12-14, 21)… still not going well… but if my math is right (never a guarantee) I just tied Joe for the straight-up lead. Against all odds, I also gained back a point here.
– Joe (31)
– Aaron (27)
– Tom (21)

Host: Taylor Swift (1). Her monologue included a couple good lines, goofing on how often people say it’s always been a dream to work on SNL. “I remember staying up late to watch Andy Samberg and Bill Hader — and now I finally made it!” She also did a song taking a dig at Kanye and Joe Jonas. Well done.

Musical Guest: Taylor Swift. At the risk of a man-foul, I enjoy You Belong To Me. This is the second time she’s been the musical guest on SNL and their sound stage doesn’t treat her well.

Best Skit: Scared Straight 2. This is the second time Keenan has played the scared straight ex-con who tells kids prison stories that resemble 80s movie plots. It’s also the second time Bill Hader hasn’t made it through the sketch.

Honorable Mentions: Swine Fever: A 2002 commercial for a rib joint that contains unfortunate references. Bunny Business: If for no other reason then Keenan’s Jennifer Hudson impersonation.

Lines of the Week: The View – Fred Armisen as Meredith Viera: “The only thing I practice in front of a mirror is sucking in my back-fat”.

Character of the Week: Also from The View: Andy Samberg’s Nicolas Cage. Bill Hader’s take on Sheperd Smith from Fox News wasn’t too bad either.

Worst Skit: Hollywood Dish: a take on annoying interviewers. But, props to Kristen Wiig for taking a spit-take to the side of the head and not even cracking a smile.

Should have been funnier: Roomies: Roommates who love and miss each other a little too much. They could have gone a lot of ways with this and I just kind of felt “bleh” about the one they chose.

Digital Short: Firelight: Twilight parody trailer with Frankenstein monsters instead of vampires and mummies instead of werewolves. This was a tremendously well-done, nearly frame-by-frame reshoot of the Twilight trailer save for reworded Frankenstein lines like: “Kiss me. “I can’t, because when I kiss people, I tend to accidentally choke them to death.” PLR is painfully in to Twilight so this was quite possibly the greatest skit I’ve ever seen. Well done, Lonely Island boys.

Weekend Update

• Great opening line. “In signs the economy is beginning to recover, New Yorkers started buying big ticket items again like elections [Picture of Mayor Bloomberg] and baseball championships [Picture of the Yankees]“.
• Political Comedian Nicholas Fehn: Another recurring character I just don’t get.
• Abbey Elliot as Sarah McLachlan: Ostensibly to talk about Lilith Fair — but she instead starts talking about abused dogs. Only funny if you’ve seen these completely unfair and traumatic commercials from the SPCA.
• Amy Poehler cameo!: For a new segment of “Really?! With Seth And Amy”. This was about Goldman-Sachs getting swine flu vaccines before pregnant women and babies and featured the lines: “Do you realize that when people saw the headline ‘Goldman Sachs Executives Get Swine Flu Vaccine’, people were really happy until they saw the word vaccine” and “Your jobs are to predict the future. Maybe next time if you see that you’re getting vaccine before pregnant ladies you’ll think about how that’ll go over.”

Final Notes: Taylor Swift did a pretty good job with her two characters (Shakira and Kate Gosselin) and the hits were better than the misses. The Twilight parody was the best thing of the year so far for me.