One New York Life

Almost cougar Jenna Elfman has a two-night stand with college-aged, second assistant to a rather important sous chef Nicolas Wright. Baby ensues.

The Good

• I was glad to see that they wrote Wright’s Zack as a guy who was willing to step-up and take care of the baby. I was sad to see that it was only because his dad ran out on him when he was a little boy. Just once could a guy stay because it’s the right thing to do?
• I can admit it had some genuinely funny moments. Jenna Elfman is a solid .270 hitter on sit-coms. She’s not going to win you any ballgames, but put her in the middle of a good lineup and she won’t disappoint.
• I do love the stoner-college friend Davis. He didn’t get much airtime in the Pilot, but plenty in the second episode.

The Bad

• Remember, Billie’s Scottish friend totally isn’t Samantha because she’s a reporter and has an accent and lives in San Francisco!
• I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel for Elfman’s Billie. On one hand, she seems like a nice enough person. On the other, she hangs out in a relationship with a rich dude (Grant Show’s Zack — the owner of her newspaper) for three years waiting for him to propose when he made it clear he doesn’t want to be married. Then she has a one night stand, gets pregnant, and has a momentary romantic thing with the guy. Then, in her office, has a whole conversation with her friend about how she wants “the house and the checkbook”. This is sympathetic?
• Maybe I’m just tired of the “woe is me” late 30s female character who is sad she’s single because I know different versions of this woman. The whole thing of “I can’t believe I’m not married yet. What? Oh, I had a date last night but he didn’t even make six-figures. He wasn’t a 6’4″, well-muscled, investment banker who respects my career and is totally manly except for the whole wanting a wife at home thing and when I need him to build stuff but also sensitive and stylish and will commute two-hours in to the city so I can raise little Leo and Hazel in a neighborhood with a white picket fence but still close enough that I can get a city quality personal pilates trainer and a Mormon nanny for the kids.” Was that too bitter a run-on?
• Oh and the whole exchange between her and her sister that “maybe she kinda did this a little on purpose”? So this poor guy is just a tool in your selfish quest to have a baby? I’m sure what he wanted out of life wasn’t important — like, you know, his lifelong dream of going to culinary school which he can’t do now.

The Rest

Does this strike anyone else as more the plot of a romantic comedy then a seasonal sitcom? And wasn’t it called Knocked Up. Like… how much mileage can they really get from this? I’ll grant that the clash of two different age groups has its funny moments — like James’s “I don’t know how was in your day, but these days girls tell us when they’re not on the pill” line.

It’s a slightly more creative version of the done-to-death smart woman/dumb guy sitcom that I’ve actively boycotted since Everybody Loves Raymond. By the end of Raymond‘s run, I hated Patricia Heaton so much that I STILL can’t watch anything with her in it. And where does this one-note joke go after the baby is born?

I’m pretty sure I’m just not that in to it.

A few years after Family Guy was unceremoniously dumped by Fox, Seth MacFarlane now owns 3/4ths of their Sunday Night line-up. Are DVD sales of television shows the single greatest thing to ever happen to his life? I’d have to say yes, right? The Cleveland Show is the McFarlane’s latest offering, spinning off Cleveland Brown in to his own, less random show. Following his divorce from Loretta, Cleveland stops off in his hometown and remarries his high-school sweetheart.

The Good

• It almost feels like the show is a rebooting of Family Guy so they no longer have to deal with all the convoluted stuff MacFarlane has done to the Griffins since the show’s return. It lets him use the Family Guy format without respecting the fact everyone hates Meg, Stewie’s kinda gay, Peter required over-misogynistic comment for the week, Brian’s thing for dumb blondes, etc. I got the vibe from his interviews and even the tone of the animated show that he was pumped to do this.
• By extension, I’m guessing he enjoys writing a show in the Family Guy style while using less ridiculous non-sequitors. There was only one awkward “Like That Time” joke and it seemed out of place. They were topical cut-aways in more the 30 Rock or Scrubs or even American Dad style. I like Family Guy, but there’s really only room for one show like it in a nightly line-up.
• I like the younger brother floating random one-liners down from upstairs.

The Bad

• The single random, “Like That Time” set-up, Family Guy-esque “R-Kelly” non-sequitor seemed WAY out of place when it was the only one in the episode. I don’t understand why it was even there. To remind us we were watching something by MacFarlane? I can’t believe it didn’t get cut out.
• Is it insulting to single mothers to suggest that they can’t control their kids without a man around? Probably. But I don’t care that much and it will likely be forgotten as the show moves on.
• I don’t get the anthropomorphic bear as a neighbor gag. I guess MacFarlane considers one character who ambiguously interacts with other characters, like Stewie and Klaus, his trademark? Although the “Ahh! It’s a bear” “Ahh! It’s a black man! See, it’s not nice, is it?” exchange made me laugh.

The Rest

I don’t know if I’ve ever been more indifferent to a premiere. I guess I like it….ish? It made me laugh the most of all three shows tonight. It’s going to have a very hard time not becoming Family Guy lite. The problem is mostly that Family Guy has gone so far OVER the top that it’s almost like a Roadrunner/Coyote cartoon now… that’s kind of its thing. I don’t know if there can be a dialed back version of it.

Yes, I know — there’s no good reason for me to watch this show. The problem was I kind of got caught up in the original back in those distant, dark, one household television with cable days of the early 90s. My mom watched it occasionally and, so, I watched it, too. And, really, the Marcia Cross headscar scene remains one of the more memorable televisions scenes from my younger days. So, why not — I gave it a shot.

I’m going to skip the normal review format because the show is just very bad. It’s one redeeming quality — the resurrection and return of Laura Leighton’s Sydney Andrews — was ended in the pilot. I don’t understand the purpose of going to the trouble of resurrecting a character, focusing your ad campaign on it, write her as the only layered character who isn’t a pre-done stereotype, and then kill her off in the pilot. How does that make sense?

Besides that, which character, exactly, is supposed to be the one we root for? Is it Ella Simms; the c*nty Manhattan LA girl who “loves love but hates monogomy” and is actively trying to break up a marriage (Heather Locklear’s character from MP1)? Is it Jonah Miller; the one good, non dick guy who lives in the complex who is, of course, written as a simpering, clueless halfwit (Andrew Shue’s character from MP1)? Is it Riley Richmond; his overreactive fiancee who balks at marriage because, after five years of dating, he hasn’t turned in to the grownup she wants? Is it Lauren Yung; the med-school student who I’m supposed to feel bad for because her daddy suddenly can’t pay for her tuition? Who gets her past-due bills faxed to her nurse’s station and decides to jump right to prostitution instead of going the more traditional “student loan” route? Is it original-show Michael’s son who’s apparently paying his bills with petty thievery? When these characters came to fox in the early 90s, they were new. Now they’re played-out, paper-thin stereotypes. Any regular TV watcher can probably name 100 different versions of each of these characters. There was a very successful show on HBO with four much less hot versions Ella Simms. There is a successful sitcom on right now where Jon Cryer plays Jonah Miller in 20 years.

And then there’s Ashley Simpson. By now, clips of her Susan Lucci-esque overacting have made the clip-show rounds. I don’t understand who not only thought putting Ashley Simpson on the show was a good idea — but decided to make her first major television character a layered, innocent-midwestern/crazy/single-white-female-stalker/manipulative type. Maybe they could break her in on a character with a single personality and work up to Emmy-quality characters? And, I also have a really bad feeling that the call to make her redhead with bright blue eyes is because she’s going to be revealed as a daughter Sydney gave up for adoption pre-MP1 (nailed it).

I’m sure, on paper, the idea to kill off the most interesting character on the show, and really one of the more interesting characters from 90s television after centering the show’s marketing around her seemed like a good idea. It would get people talking about the show, get some press, and reinforce that whole “anything can happen at Melrose Place!” vibe. It didn’t work. The season long “who killed Sydney” mission does nothing for me and the characters aren’t that interesting.

It’s just bad.

L/L – Jets -3 over Titans, 24-17, Titans outright: The first drive of the third quarter is really what I expected this entire game to be like. Then Rex Ryan remembered the Baltimore Ravens/Kerry Collins formula and just blitzed the bejesus out of him. The Jets defense just torched the Titans’ offensive line and neither Collins of their runningbacks couldn’t make them respect anything. Am I going to have to live in a New York where the Jets are real? Perish the thought.

L/L – Jags +4 over Texans, 31-24, Texans cover: Three games is enough time to declare a first round pick the year’s fantasy disappointment. I’m looking at you Steve Slaton.

W/W – Eagles -9.5 over Chiefs, 34-14, Eagles cover: I’m in a really stupid fantasy league that I totally didn’t understand the point structure of when I joined. Like — the final scores are like 2158-1737. It has a slot that you can start any offensive player in and apparently quarterbacks are head and shoulders more valuable then runningbacks. Long story short, I ended up picking up Kevin Kolb and he pretty much won me the week. Go figure.

W/W – Ravens -13 over Browns, 34-3, Ravens cover: Is Mangini that bad or are the Browns that good? And, is it just me, or is four games in to a coach’s tenure a BIT too soon to call for his job?

W/W – Giants -7 over Bucs, 24-0, Giants cover: This game was so one-sided I started watching the Jets by the third quarter. There isn’t a whole lot one can learn in this game other than the Giants have apparently decided to stop making it interesting against teams they should beat.

L/L – Lions +6.5 over Redskins, 19-14, Redskins cover: It was bound to happen. I look forward to Jim Zorn being fired in week six and Dan Snyder spending $250 million on David Carr, Ellis Hobbs, Julius Peppers, and the corpse of Willie Parker in the uncapped season to continue to finish 7-9 every year. Please — keep following the Cowboy’s business model.

W/L – Packers -7 over Rams, 36-17, Rams +7: Meh.

W/L – Vikings -6 over Niners, 27-24, Vikings cover: Hey, did you know the upcoming week is Brett Farve’s first game against Green Bay?

L/L – Patriots -4.5 over Falcons, 26-10, Falcons outright: I have no idea how to read this game. The Patriots’ defense showed no previous indication of an ability to shut down an good offense that completely. Next week’s game vs. the Ravens is going to rupture my brain trying to decide.

W/W – Bears -1.5 over Seahawks, 25-19, Bears cover: I saw nothing of this… not even a highlight… but I’ll bet the spread moved a lot when we found out Seneca Wallace was the QB.

W/W – Saints -4 over Bills, 27-7, Saints cover: I still don’t know where this spread came from. Are we not believing in the dude who really wants the season record for everything and has the tools to do it?

W/L – Chargers -7 over Chargers, 27-17, Dolphins +7: As it turns out, running a West Coast Style offense only works when your receivers don’t drop every other pass. Oh, and the fuggin Wildcat is useless against teams with really good linebackers.

W/W – Bengals +4.5 over Steelers, 23-20, Bengals outright: I’m riding this “Bengals with points” bandwagon as long as they’ll keep giving it to me.

L/L – Raiders -2.5 over Broncos, 23-3, Raiders cover: This is my bad. I should have known better.

W/W – Colts -3 over Cardinals, 31-10, Colts cover: I know I’m not a professional athlete, and I understand that guys are making split second decisions on the field, but even a dog will stop falling for the “fake throw the ball” trick if you do it for sixty straight minutes. I don’t have the stats handy, but I’m pretty sure the Cardinals fell for play-action on roughly 178 straight plays. But, fortunately Manning built me up a good 35 point, D’Angelo Hall/kicker cushion.

W/W – Cowboys -8 over Panthers, 21-7, Cowboys cover: The Panthers are just unfathomably bad. Hulse was right when he told me to trade D’Angelo Williams before the season started.

Spreadery

1) Saints -4 over Bills – W (3)
2) Titans +3 over Jets – L
3) Giants -7 over Bucs – W (1)

Standings

Straight Up: 11-5 (30-18)
Spread: 8-8 (22-26)
Spreadery: 2-1, 4 pts (6-2, 11)
– Joe (13)
– Tom (11)
– Aaron (7)

With Season Two of Dollhouse having started, I needed to finally finish writing this column. As the title suggests, it’s about Dollhouse’s Topher character. Topher, played by Fran Kranz, is the genius neurologist who created the imprint/download process that makes the entire Dollhouse premise possible. Topher rubbed people the wrong way all last season. Without Googling for examples, I’ll let Low Resolution Joe sum it up:

I F*cking HATE Topher: I’m not sure I’m even supposed to like him, but boy don’t I. It’s not just that his character does evil deeds — so does DeWitt and I love her. It’s that he manages to be completely obnoxious in a way I think I’m supposed to find cute or charming. I hated Xander Harris enough when he was painstakingly heroic. That’s the other thing — I get that Joss has a house style, but a Xander/Andrew hybrid just does NOT work in the Dollhouse universe. It’s a clash of styles that made it hard to completely dig Alan Tudyk’s character — at least early on.

Joe’s take on Topher is representative of the general opinion, I think, though I’d argue he’s more a moderately less evil version of Warren. To be honest, I was surprised by the Topher backlash because I found the character (and the actor’s portrayal of the character) to be a spot-on take of a genius doing morally unattractive research. For me, his portrayal of the grating genius is perfect.

Anecdotally, I went to a rather well-respected tech school to get my MS. The grad programs are generally reserved for people on RPI’s rather selective PhD tracks. These are smart people… really smart people. I’m a pretty smart person. I was offered to skip grades (my parents wouldn’t allow it), got to take classes at the aforementioned Institute as a senior in high school, took sophomore math courses in middle school; I’m not trying to toot my own horn… I’m trying to establish that I’m not intimidated around smart people. I was intimidated around these people. Geniuses are not fun people to be around. Generally, they tend to be condescending, socially-awkward asses. Sometimes they’re self-aware asses, like Topher. Sometimes they’re clueless to the fact they’re asses, like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. It’s a combination of being social outcasts in school (because who cares about the smart people when there are SPORTZ to be watched) and understanding concepts that regular people just can’t grasp. You know the song you absolutely love and don’t understand anyone disliking? It’s sort of that but with things like string theory or asking someone with perfect pitch to describe how they know something is in tune.

Fran Kranz encompasses this “genius who knows he’s better than you” vibe in an almost-but-not-quite-cool way. He drifts between mildly condescending and rudely condescending depending on who he’s speaking to. He’s less condescending to people who can hurt him (DeWitt professionally, Dominic physically) and people he likes (Langton, who Topher gives a chance to escape when he thinks he’s discovered Langton as a spy in the Dollhouse), more condescending to people he’s less afraid of (his intern, the dolls), and extremely condescending to people outside the Dollhouse (Ballard). He occasionally forgets himself when someone says something that he finds incredibly stupid. He’s also incredibly protective of his intellect. In the spy episode, Echo’s investigator persona suggests Topher’s either “dangerously incompetent or trying to throw me off your trail.” He’s being investigated for Dollhouse treason yet it’s this offhand comment about incompetence he can’t get past. Much later in the inquiry, she asks him why he’s at the Dollhouse. He responds it’s “kind of a no brainer. I’m in neuro-plastic heaven. I’m doing work my grad school professors haven’t even dreamed of yet. I don’t want to brag, but I’m kind of a genius. Do you really think I’m incompetent or are you just saying that?” He can’t stand the thought of someone finding him incompetent. It’s another nice touch — every genius, no matter how smart, retains a solid lack of self-confidence because of the high-school social structure. Topher’s overconfident bragging about his intelligence is part of this, as is the power he feels (real or imagined) by knowing things other people don’t grasp.

The important thing to remember about Topher, and geniuses in general, is that they exist in a world where people simply don’t understand the world on their level. Topher is smart enough such that he developed a process in which a human brain can be downloaded in to a hard drive and uploaded in to another human being. Try to imagine understanding the world on that level and interacting with other people. It’s telling that, when he has the opportunity to use a doll for a single night, he imprints Sierra with what is essentially a female version of himself. No one at the Dollhouse understands him, he can’t talk about his work with anyone who has a chance at understanding him, so he gets one single night a year and creates someone to understand him. It’s a sad life when you think about it.

And I think there is some part of him that’s a little bothered by what he does. In the finale, it’s revealed that Dr. Saunders is, herself, a Doll containing the knowledge of the Dollhouse’s former doctor. We know that Topher can create the personality of a Doll — it’s revealed in the penultimate episode Briar Rose that he was able to take the personality of a young girl who’d been abused and advance it to well-adjusted adulthood. We also know that he imprinted Dr. Saunders in to Whiskey and that the original, real Dr. Saunders didn’t hate Topher. So why would he program the new Dr. Saunders personality to hate him? Guilt that his process caused Alpha to glitch and resulted in Saunders’s death and Whiskey’s scars? Or self-loathing?

Which brings us to the question of whether or not he’s evil. With no well-defined bad guy before Alpha, people assigned DeWitt and Topher the “bad guy” title. But, really, they’re not that evil. Topher is downloading a person’s brain, using the volunteered body for a bit, and restoring the memory when the time is up. When Caroline’s consciousness is installed in to a different body in the season finale, she has no idea how much time has passed. She asks if it’s already been five years. It’s instantaneous for the person whose body is being borrowed. If Topher’s theory is truth — that there’s no such thing as a soul and a person is nothing more then the collection of their memories — then he’s not really doing anything evil. Topher has the following exchange with Ballard regarding Alpha’s personality profile:

Topher: Of course it doesn’t tell you anything it doesn’t tell me anything and I’m smarter than everyone in this room.
Paul Ballard (played by Tamoh Penikett — who’s gone from being the moral compass of Battlestar Galactica to the moral compass of the Dollhouse): I know you’re very invested in your vaunted technology and it is very impressive but I still don’t believe you can wipe away a person’s soul
Topher (sneering, condescendingly): Their what?
Ballard: Their soul. who they are at their very core. I don’t think that goes away.
Topher: You’d be wrong about that.

Topher doesn’t believe in a soul or, by extension, any sort of God. He finds the idea insulting. When Ballard says the imprint room is “where you steal their souls”; Topher responds with “Yes, then we put them in a glass jar with our fireflies. Why is there a tall morally judgmental man in my imprint room besides [Langton]?” This makes sense — if God and souls don’t exist, they were created by humans to explain the unexplainable. Topher feels he’s now explained that piece of the unexplainable. People who still cling to that incorrect metaphysical explanation are telling him he’s wrong. He leaves the room angry, knowing he’s correct, and tells Ballard and Langton: “[I have to figure out what Alpha did to Caroline]. Good luck with the whole “God” thing.”

This is the core of why Topher isn’t evil. We consider him evil because we all, on some level, kind of believe in a soul. Even if we don’t believe in God, we believe in the essence of what makes us us. If there is no soul, and the essence of us is just hard-wired instinct and a collection of our memories, then what he’s doing isn’t evil. It’s groundbreaking. It’s the human race conquering death. He believes he’s helping people with zero cost. In the aforementioned Briar Rose he creates a perfect counselor to help girls who spent their formative years being abused and says the feeling he gets from helping them is “not unlike pride.” He creates a perfect negotiator to get a child back from kidnappers. To help pay for all this, he has no issue being a corporate pimp because, really, if God and sin aren’t issues and neither party is diseased, then there’s really no cogent argument against prostitution. Prostitution is illegal because the church declared it immoral however many hundred years ago. Without the moral objection sex, or paying for sex, isn’t immoral. It’s a lucrative biological imperative that funds his research.

Topher Brink is one of most well-done, layered characters on television at the moment. He’s an excellently written genius and the nexus of humanity’s next stage in evolution. His research has redefined humanity, death, and how we pass down knowledge. And the enabler of all this? Topher Brink. That’s why you should find him fascinating.

Last Week:

Straight Up: 8-8 (19-13)
Spread: 9-7 (14-18)
Spreadery: 3-0, 6 (4-1, 7)
– Joe (8)
– Tom (7)
– Aaron (1 – on the board!)

I’ve only watched the first half of the Giants/Cowboys game so far. I tried to watch it as soon as I got home but an eight-hour flight in coach plus a five-hour time shift did not translate in to me staying awake. If I’m dozing off during this game, there’s no way I’m awake enough to do anything. A problem with European trips that I’d forgotten: no matter how awesome your trip is — it always ends with a horrifying day of travel capped with an absurdly long flight to JFK. I did learn a couple things, though: First, the Cowboys offense can move the ball against absolutely anyone this season. Second, the Cowboys’ secondary is going to be their downfall against good teams. Third, Eli Manning’s two-minute warning switch is his most valuable asset to the team. Fortunately, it activates in both halves. It’s like forming Voltron. Fourth, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t feel bad if someone murdered Flozell Adams. Like, on one hand — it’s really nice having him around to false start and hold and bring big plays back, but I’m also really tired of Giants getting injured by his dirty plays. Maybe not murder… maybe just Sid-break his leg.

As for the Giants — haven’t seen the 2nd half yet, but they caught a couple of breaks in the first half to keep them in the game. The interception off Jason Witten’s foot is just one of those three plays per game that decide it. Fortunately, it bounced the right way. I have a lot of thoughts about the tawdriness of The Jerry Jones Temple To Excess, but that’s a whole post in itself. I’ll suffice it to say that I’m absurdly happy the Giants shit on their party. Finding out about this game on Monday morning in Munich made the trip that much more awesome.

Not a lot of comments here since I really didn’t see any games except for highlights.

Sunday

Tennessee Titans +3 at New York Jets: It’s about time for the Jets to snap back here a bit. Let’s keep in mind that the Titans DID put up 31 last week. This game doesn’t pass the sniff test for the Jets. They’re coming off a huge win, another huge game next week vs. the Saints, it’s an absolute must win for the Titans, the Titans took a tough loss this week. Titans outright

Jacksonville Jaguars +4 at Houston Texans: Kind of a must-win for the Jaguars. Unfortunately, the Jags run defense is unprepared to stop less-than-elite runningbacks. Let’s hope for a big day from Steve Slaton. Texans cover

Kansas City Chiefs +9.5 at Philadelphia Eagles: Woe to the Chiefs after the Eagles’ performance last week. Eagles cover

Cleveland Browns +13 over Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens are even better then I thought they were. Ravens cover

New York Giants -7 at Tampa Bay Bucs: Weird spread. Would expect the Giants to have at least 10 here. Has Eli done anything to say he can’t score on the road? Giants cover

Washington Redskins -6.5 at Detroit Lions: This would be the ultimate of letdown games if the Redskins were to lose. But I don’t think you get a letdown when the ‘Skins are playing another terrible team next week. Redskins cover

Green Bay Packers -7 at St. Louis Rams: Is it weird I still haven’t seen a Packer highlight this season and I’m totally basing my picks on what teams Steve Spagnuolo has stopped in the past? Rams +7

San Francisco 49ers +6 at Minnesota Vikings: Do I have to start giving the Niners credit again? I haven’t followed their cap situation in recent years, but maybe it’s finally broken? Here’s the problem… Adrian Peterson. Vikings cover

Atlanta Falcons +4.5 at New England Patriots: It’s going to be hard to unscrape “Patriots Cover” from the collective hearts of the gambling public. Might it be time to admit that the Patriots, as we’ve known them, are over? Minus a gift, the Patriots are 0-2 and have looked terrible. And the Falcons are getting points? As it turns out, the Pats rough schedule might be more of a problem then we realized. Falcons outright

Chicago Bears -1.5 at Seattle Seahawks: Cutler still has to prove it on the road. The ‘Hawks still have to prove it period. Bears cover

New Orleans Saints -4 at Buffalo Bills: The Bills secondary is good enough to warrant only a 4 point cushion on Drew Brees? is this a worldwide typo? Saints cover

Miami Dolphins +7 at San Diego Chargers: I’m starting to really dislike my chances to win my over bet with Hulse. Dolphins +7

Pittsburgh Steelers -4.5 at Cincinnati Bengals: Am I the only one who thinks the Bengals’ offense is worlds better than the Steelers’ offense. And the Steelers’ defense is still missing their best player? And they’re on the road? Bengals outright

Denver Broncos +2.5 at Oakland Raiders: Picking the Raiders to cover a spread. When is the last time I picked the Raiders to cover a spread? When is the last time I’ve had a chance to pick the Raiders to cover a spread? Raiders cover

Indianapolis Colts -3 at Arizona Cardinals: Take the over. Colts cover

Monday

Carolina Panthers +8 at Dallas Cowboys: Poor Carolina. See ya next year. Cowboys cover

If I Were A Bettin Man

1) Saints -4 over Bills

2) Titans +3 over Jets

3) Giants -7 over Bucs

At the moment it’s 2 pm here. We went to the actual festival at 10:30 this morning. For the first time since college I was well on the way to being drunk before noon. I usually have a very firm “no alcohol before noon” policy, but it just isn’t happening here.

1) The German “traditional Oktoberfest attire” is fantastic. We Americans refer to it lovingly as the beer wench outfit. The serving girls aren’t the only ones who wear the dresses. A huge number of the women do. And, Jesus, do they grow breasts large in Eastern Europe.

2) I’m amazed at the number of children at the festival itself. I can’t imagine having a festival based around chugging beer in the US and making it a family thing.

3) Speaking of America — I can’t imagine having a festival based around drinking that’s as low-key and relaxed as this. Almost no fighting and very little yelling. It’s amazing.

4) The Lowenbrau Tent has the piss trough. That’s all they have. You walk in to a restroom and the 3 walls are just piss trough. I forgot how much I hate the piss trough.

5) I’m trying to determine if Lowenbrau or Hofbrau is the Budweiser of Germany. The Hofbrauhaus seems like the super tourist biergarten in the city of Munich. There are some stories to tell from that place. Including one of the girls I was with getting picked up by a German Backstreet Boy and me ending up at a dance club in cargo shorts.

6) Munich is an awesome city. I really would like to come here sometime when it’s not Oktoberfest just to look around. But, there’s an outside chance that Oktoberfest becomes a yearly or semi-yearly trip. It’s hard to explain just how low-key everything is while being insanely shitshowy.

7) The purity law is really noticable. The beers here are so much crisper and better than American beers with all the crazy additives that it’s not even funny. Everything tastes fresher and different. Even the Lowenbrau.

8) Sadly, no Meisterbrau.

9) The Big Show: Do you want a stein, a T-shirt, or both. What brand beer do you want a stein for. I got you coasters so far.

Some random thoughts that aren’t edited or spell checked because I’m really drunk and wanted to write them down.

1) Traveling with 3 women: There are lots of crowds at Oktoberfest. Women don’t realize that when you’re the only dude following thme that people (other dudes) get out of the way for them but don’t get out o the way for me. “Tom, why can’t you keep up?” Because people who let you go would rather spear me then let me ahead, that’s why.

2) We went to super toursity and packed Hofbrauhaus on Friday night. Apparently, this is the big tourist place to got and we were just one of many there. Oddly, we met 4 dudes who were practicers of the game by Mystery. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was a guy at a table with three girls. To open their set, they talked to me first, then moved on. Randomly, I ended up at a German dance club in shorts. I’ve never felt more American.

3) Growing up there was an amusement park near my house that did an Oktoberfest festival. I used to think it was weird that a place for kids did and Oktoberfest. Not so much anymore. Oktoberfest is very much a family type of thing and it encourages my idea that Americans are the most uptight folks ever.

4) Speaking of uptight, I was amazed at the amount of things here that were very non-uptight. There are random buildings at Oktoberfest who’s entire purpose is to sell cigarettes. With the amount of work we’ve done to ban cigs in the last fe year I was shocked. Here, you can pretty much grab a pack on every street corner (in a vending machine) or from various bars.

5) As someone who enjoys an occasional cigarette — German smokes are like Tobacco Moonshine.

6) And I, as an American, has become very spoiled at smoke-free bars. The streets of Munich are just packed with smokers. The bars are packed with smokers. It’s crazy to think that 5 years ago — every bar was like this.

7) Trading money to Euros is insanely depressing. You’d think that a 1.5/1 ratio would mean things are cheaper but not so much. Instead — I traded $300 US for $190 Euro and still wound up broke in under 2 days.

8) Beers made under the purity law (water, hops, barley, yeast) make me have to pee a lot more than American beers.

9) Another problem with traveling with girls — they like to go to bed. Look, we were out until 1am both nights but, news, I don’t want to sleep at 1 am in a foreign country. I will sit and drink at the Hotel bar until whatever hour until they send me home. I don’t want to waste any time.

10) As my Vegas trip as a young’un proved — Hangovers are much easier to fight through at 22 than 31.

11) I still find it funny to drink in buldings built in the 1500s. I don’t know why other than the fact that they were built 100 years before my country was even thought about.

12) PLR still hates when I smoke. Oh well.

13) It’s funny hanging out with 3 girls especially when the boys who pick up on the other girls use stuff from “The Pick Up Artist” to pick up the other girls. On Friday night, the dudes came to me first, talked me up, then moved to one of PLR’s friends and handed out a “you’re too old to go to a club” neg. Then we went to a German Dance Club where they were playing Michael Jackson — and the German dudes got me through the dress code in my cargo shorts and T-shirt by saying “American — New York — Rich”. God bled the cache I get from being from Manhattan.

There’s alonger post coming soom when I’l less drunk but, at the moment, it’s almost 2 am and I’m notready to sleep yet. Bar hotel time.

PLR and I are off to Germany and Austria for 10 days of awesome. No idea what, exactly, will work on my Blackberry but follow the Twitter feed to see if I end up in scary German porn. Or end up committed during a 13-hour flight. Or if a London airport is as annoying to layover in as an American one.

So, I listened to the Simmons/Cousin Sal podcast today. I was excited to hear the 2009 version of:

“I’ll say 3.”
“No it’s 5.5.”
“5.5?! No way!”

Et cetera. What I’ve noticed about Simmons in the last two years is that he doesn’t seem to get that spreads aren’t really how you think the game is going to end. It’s what bookies think will get the general public’s money to go 50/50. The Giants are GETTING 3 points in Dallas this week. This isn’t because Dallas is the better team or because The Giants have holes. It’s because if bookies set the spread at Dallas +6, at home, in the inaugural game at Titantron Field, 85% of the betting public would take it. The general betting public (myself included) aren’t smart… that’s why bookies drive Cadillacs and OTBs are the most depressing places on Earth. The trick is to find the spreads where the public is way off and exploit them for personal gain. It’s easiest in the first few weeks of the season.

Sunday

Oakland Raiders +3.5 at Kansas City Chiefs: Oakland showed three things last week. 1) Their new runningback is the real deal. 2) Their defense is pretty feisty. 3) They can still gag up a game with the best of them. Even though they crushed the Chiefs on the road last season, I do think the Chiefs got little bit better than the Raiders did. Look at it this way, Raiders fans — it looks like last season was rock bottom. Chiefs cover

Houston Texans +7 at Tennessee Titans: Are the Texans really as bad as they looked last week? It was nearly a total meltdown with the fans turning on the team, 2009 Fantasy Disappointment Steve Slaton turning week one in to a turd, while the Titans played the Steelers nearly to a draw. I don’t think the Texans are quite as they bad as they appeared and think they’ll bounce back to a close game here. Texans +7

New England Patriots -6.5 at New York Jets: Honestly… I have no idea what’s going to happen here. This line has moved to Jets +3 points since my sheet was released — which means people really like the Jets. A lot. Folks — I hope the Jets do well, but let’s settle down here. It’s the Patriots vs. a rookie quarterback. Patriots cover

Cincinnati Bengals +9 at Green Bay Packers: This is a great example of the aforementioned spread issues. After one week, I don’t think you can make the judgment that the Bengals are a nine-point dog to the Packers — Lambeau or no Lambeau. Great bet at +400. But I’m going to hedge. Bengals +9

Minnesota Vikings -10 at Detroit Lions: On the other hand, this is a totally justified 10 point spread. I’m pretty sure this spread would be even higher if not for the Lions opening against the “Defense Is Stupid” Saints. Pity the people playing against Adrian Peterson this week. If it matters, I’m penciling the Lions in for their first win on November 1st, at home, against the Rams. If they don’t win that…. yoof. Vikings cover

New Orleans Saints +3 at Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles really are like an ongoing soap opera. This should be a pick’em. Take the over. Saints outright

Carolina Panthers +6 at Atlanta Falcons: Are we officially declaring Jake Delhomme done? A wildcard pick to a goat in one week? I don’t think so. There’s too much talent on that Panthers team to get beat by a touchdown… road or not. I’m calling for Delhomme to recover against a slightly worse defense. Panthers +6

St. Louis Rams +9.5 at Washington Redskins: Steve Spagnuolo spent the last few years stopping the Redskins offense. I think he’ll probably keep this pretty tight. Rams +9.5

Arizona Cardinals +4.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars: The Cardinals looked horrific last week but I’m not quite willing to write them off entirely. Unfortunately, I still think they take a beating at the hands of Jacksonville. Jags cover

Seattle Seahawks +1 at San Francisco 49ers: And just like that, we’re believers in the Niners, eh? Seahawks outright

Tampa Bay Bucs +4.5 at Buffalo Bills: Is it possible that Bucs won’t be favored in a single game this season? I think it is. Bills cover

Cleveland Browns +3 at Denver Broncos: This spread is entirely based on the fact people are conditioned to think the Broncos are good. They’re not. Not that the Browns are, but they’re better than “put up 12 on a Bengals team that was flailing”. Browns outright

Baltimore Ravens +5 at San Diego Chargers: The Chargers got stunned by Oakland’s somewhat mediocre defense last week and had a terrible time stopping their rookie runningback. Now they’re facing a better offense, a better defense, the Chargers line is banged up, and I hate Philip Rivers. Ravens outright

Pittsburgh Steelers -3 at Chicago Bears: Tough battle of two defenses missing their best players. I’m going to put some faith in Jay Cutler and a must-win game against a defense missing their best player. I think the Bears will miss Urlacher less than the Steelers miss Pomualu — especially since Willie Parker will explode with one solid hit. Bears outright

New York Giants +3 at Dallas Cowboys: And this is the best example of stuff to entice the general betting public. There is absolutely nothing that should give the Giants 3 points in this game. But if you give the Cowboys 3+ points at home in their first game, off a huge offensive performance last week, all the money would go that way. Instead, most folks will realize that Dallas abused a terrible defense, while allowing 450 yards to a terrible offense. I will be deleriously happy when the Giants walk in to Jerry Jones’s new temple to excess and take a big ol shit on the rug. I can’t wait. I also can’t wait to try to find somewhere to watch this game in Munich with its 2 am kickoff. Giants outright.

Monday

Indianapolis Colts -3 at Miami Dolphins: This is an interesting little game. The Colts defense is still designed to stop big plays, while the Miami offense is designed to eat you to death with short passes and little runs. The Wildcat formation was a glorious flop last week in Atlanta and, I think, if that keeps up we’re going to see Pennington start chirping about it. Parcells isn’t going to keep banging his head against the wall off something that doesn’t work. Calling for the Monday Night Upset. Dolphins outright

If I Were A Bettin Man

1) Giants +3 over Cowboys: There is no reason the Giants should be underdogs in this game. Dallas abused a terrible defense, while allowing 450 yards to a terrible offense. I will be deliriously happy when the Giants walk in to Jerry Jones’s new temple to excess and leave a big ol turd on the rug. I can’t wait.

2) Ravens +5 over Chargers: The Chargers were weak against the Raiders last week. Their line is not in the best of shape. Phil Rivers might die in this game.

3) Bengals +9 over Packers: I’m not ready to buy the Packers as a 10 point home favorite.