Atlantis – The Bill
To finally wrap this up, I saved a copy of my bill because it was funny and would make sense to look at with the final thoughts on the place. It was conveniently divided in to day and charge type, so I was happily able to look at all the meals ($26.42 for Jamba Juice… woo!) separately from the actual room charges.
$14.40 – One-time bellman gratuity: Apparently, at Atlantis, you will tip your bellman regardless of whether they help you with your luggage or not. Not only that, but no one will mention they are pre-tipped until the end of the week when you get your bill. Had I known this, I would have had them bring me up to my room on their luggage cart. And… $15? Really? Has anyone ever tipped a bellman more than five bucks in the history of hotel travel? Is the cost of living on Nassau like New York City’s? It does explain why the bellmen waiting at the cabs were less than aggressive taking our bags.
$8/day – Royal Maid Gratuity: They charge you this surcharge per day regardless of whether your room actually gets serviced. Ours got serviced exactly once. Not that we necessarily wanted it serviced every day — we collectively have to go through all new bedding before sleeping on it due to our checkered past — but there were days our “Please Service Room” sign was blatantly ignored. Most of our room servicing was finding the maid cart and asking for coffee, towels, and other necessities. And… does the resort even pay these people a salary? Is it cynical to assume $8/day times 100ish rooms on my floor covers the maids entirely? Is it more cynical to assume the hotel pockets all of this “gratuity” and pays the maids $5/hr?
$3/day – Pool and beach gratuity: In retrospect, I still don’t know whom this tip was for. The waitstaff who would come around exactly once to offer cocktails? The people standing in the booth checking your room key for towels? The lifeguards?
$26.40/day – Taxes and Fees: Meh, this is whatever. Not the resort’s fault.
$15/day – Energy surcharge: Because, presumably, they wouldn’t be able to keep the kitchen’s lights on by merely charging $10 for an compressed egg-product sandwich.
$220/day – Per night room: The biggie. Remember, this was a special wedding rate. While drafting this (on January 16th, 2009), I went to their website to search what, exactly, a comparable room (Royal Towers, Bay View, King bed) would cost two people going from Wednesday, March 18th to Monday March 23rd. The room total was $2,635 — an average cost of $527/night. This room charge alone is more than double our total bill, including fees, taxes, room, food, and minibar. I searched other weeks and the cost difference was negligible. Regardless, Joe Schmuckatelli would be looking at about a $500/night hotel stay to go to this place.
Final Thoughts
The resort itself is gorgeous. The pools are immaculately kept, the beach is absolutely beautiful, the aquarium is a great touch, and the casino is serviceable for the size of the resort. They don’t make you feel like a criminal and ask for your first-born as a deposit when getting a beach towel. Their resort village has happy party bands playing music in the evenings and there is plenty to look at and see on the resort to make you happy.
So why didn’t I like it?
I guess, for me, is I’ve never been at a vacation resort in the Caribbean that made it so difficult to get alcohol. From the lack of poolside waitresses to the absolutely unforgivable three-quarter wait for a cocktail waitress during Thursday Night Football. The beer, even the local beer, is badly overpriced. When you start approaching $7 for the Bahamian version of Budweiser, something’s gone drastically wrong. There were no “local” food options. Walking off the resort simply led to more resorts, all of which had different versions of American chains. It truly is resort purgatory. All the water slides, shark tanks, and concerts try to make this place the ultimate resort. Considering the number of people at the resort paying $500/night in a crappy economy, this is apparently a solid plan.
I had a few too many moments where I found myself being a New York City snob. Be it looking at middle-aged suburban ladies dressed in their daughter’s JUICY sweat suits or goofing on a Caribbean resort for having more New York City restaurants than Bahamian restaurants. Or other moments where I may have said, a little TOO disdainfully, “ooh, honey… let’s go get some Italian food at Carmine’s while we’re in the Bahamas!” I don’t enjoy being that guy but I have discovered that the quickest way to cure myself of the desire to live in the suburbs is by spending time in places with large concentrations of suburbanites. I also found myself wondering why, exactly, people with enough disposable income to spend $5,000 – $10,000 on a week’s vacation would choose to spend it here. Again, maybe it’s because I could have a more authentic Bahamian experience in Queens but then I have to remind myself — Americans like America. We don’t like to learn other languages and we like our comfort zone. I’m going to find it odd that this Bahamian super resort full of American chains is successful while Subways and Olive Gardens inexplicably remain open in New York City? Not so much.
I will likely re-examine what I like in a vacation should the day come when Ms. L and I are married and have children. For now, this place was absolutely gorgeous but I’d probably never choose to go back.
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