One New York Life

Thursday
Indianapolis Colts -6.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars: I might be overthinking this, but I have a sneaking suspicion the Jags are going to put up a fight in this game. If for no other reason than to try and knock the Colts out of the playoffs. Besides the point, all the AFC South teams generally play each other tough and are rarely outside the four or five point range. I am actually far more interested to see if the Titans try to knock the Colts out of the playoffs next week before they can become a problem. It’s the type of decision that could really come back to bite them if they don’t go all out. Can you imagine playing half speed in the last week of the regular season only to get knocked out by them in the 2nd week of the playoffs? Interesting call. Jaguars +6.5

Saturday
Baltimore Ravens +5 at Dallas Cowboys: I’ve noticed that I always wind up constructing an argument in my head for why the Cowboys are going to lose and then not countering it with anything. Save for a miracle two weeks ago, the Cowboys beat the Steelers on the road. The Cowboys then stifled an anemic Giants’ offense in Dallas while the Ravens were busy losing their division, at home, to the Steelers. By all rights, Dallas should win this game. But I can’t do it. Ravens outright.

Sunday
Pittsburgh Steelers +1 at Tennessee Titans: This is kind of under the radar (here in NY) as a pretty huge game for the 1-seed and homefield in the AFC. Has the NFL ever managed a schedule so well that they had both 1-seed match-ups fall this perfectly in Week 16? The fortunate thing about the Giants get flexed to primetime and the Jets on the West Coast is that I’ll actually have a chance to see this game. Here is a pretty solid chance to see whether the Titans are a good team or a paper tiger created by a soft schedule. I’m still thinking the latter. Steelers outright.

New Orleans Saints -6.5 at Detroit Lions: Here’s why the Lions aren’t going defeated. They get to play a dead team who doesn’t care without their best players. Meanwhile, the Lions are going to be throwing everything they have at the wall in this last home game and praying to god that something sticks. Expect fake field goals, crazy trick plays, laterals, and everything else for the Lions to get a win this game. They can build on hanging with the Colts last week and make their home crowd happy for one time this season and send them in to the offseason hoping they pick next year’s Matt Ryan or Joe Flacco with the first pick. Lions outright.

Miami Dolphins -4 at Kansas City Chiefs: I can’t picture a team that’s played this well all year losing to a dead team… on the road or no. Dolphins cover.

Arizona Cardinals +8 at New England Patriots: This is the very infrequent matchup of a team that scored 50 last week vs. a team that gave up 50 last week. But… crappy weather in the northeast coming in this weekend and a big spread? Smells like a low-scoring Pats win. Cardinals +8 Edit: On the news that the Cardinals are sitting six starters and told at least 5 to just stay home — The Patriots are going to destroy them. Patriots cover.

San Francisco 49ers -5.5 at St. Louis Rams: Meh. No idea and don’t care much. I generally pick the home team in these late season meaningless games. Rams outright.

San Diego Chargers +3.5 at Tampa Bay Bucs: The Chargers are traveling to the east coast and playing a team that’s been nigh unstoppable at home. I hate trying to call a 3 point game with a 3.5 point spread but this really has all the markings of a 3-point game. Chargers +3.5

Cincinnati Bengals +3 at Cleveland Browns: The “Save Romeo” campaign begins. If Romeo gets fired he should ask someone to cut Braylon Edwards’s hands off for stealing his job. Browns cover.

New York Jets -5 at Seattle Seahawks: By all rights, the Jets should be out of the playoffs. But… they’re not. The Seahawks gave everything they had against the Patriots and still came up short. I expect a similar thing against the Jets. The Jets need to throw everything at the wall this week and I think they’ll come up with a field goal type win. Seahawks +5.

Houston Texans -7 at Oakland Raiders: The Texans are going to wind up putting together a solid little 9-7 season after a bad start. Texans cover.

Buffalo Bills +5.5 at Denver Broncos: I’m pretty sure the Broncos end the drama here. The Bills can’t close games as proved last week. Now they’re on the road in Denver? I think the Broncos end the suspense this week and the Ed Hochuli call goes on the short list with the Wade Phantom Foul, the Giants 2002 Pass Interference non-call against the Niners, and any other egregious, season-ended ref screw-ups. Broncos cover.

Atlanta Falcons +3 at Minnesota Vikings: Put up or shut up game for both teams. The winner will probably get the Wild card and the loser’s going to need a lot of help. I like the Falcons here… I feel like the dome is going to work against the Vikes. Falcons outright.

Philadelphia Eagles -3.5 at Washington Redskins: The reason the Redskins are not going to ever be good under this owner — in the first year of Jim Zorn’s career, Dan Snyder won’t commit to him being the coach next season. The thing the Redskins should be thinking about is how many draft picks they can get for Clinton Portis — he’s about to hit the 27/28 running back wall, is being a problem, and this year’s draft is looking to be one of the deepest in HISTORY as college guys are going to rush to avoid the rookie pay scale in the next CBA. You’re telling me the Cardinals wouldn’t send them a 1st and a 3rd for Portis on the heels of losing in the playoffs because of their lack of running game? The Eagles have to have this game and I can’t see Washington pulling off the upset of upsets to knock the Eagles out. I wouldn’t be tremendously surprised if it happens, but I don’t think it will. Eagles cover.

Carolina Panthers +3 at New York Giants: The least happy person in the world about this game is my grandfather, who was given a ticket for this game by my aunt. They were very happy to leave bright and early on Sunday morning to drive down to Jersey (about 3ish hours from Upstate NY) and go to this game. Then, they shifted it to prime time which pretty much puts the ending of the game itself about an hour after his bedtime. I’ve lobbied for the tickets to no success. I’m not going to pretend this team doesn’t scare the bejesus out of me but I think the Panthers are starting to border on a little over-rated. I think the Giants are going to take their first chance to make a point against this team since a really embarrassing playoff game a couple years ago. I also think a nice sloppy, wintry mix coupled with a freezing cold Northeastern night is going to favor the Giants. Giants win, clinch 1-seed, cover spread, save babies. Giants cover

Monday
Green Bay Packers +4.5 at Chicago Bears: The only thing left for the Packers to play for is to mess with the Bears. I think it’s safe to assume that the Packers can’t close a game and the Kyle Orton Experience will keep the game closer than it has any right to be. Packers +4.5

Five Good Spreads
5 points – Giants -3 over Panthers
4 points – Browns -3 over Bengals
3 points – Patriots -8 over Cardinals
2 points – Dolphins -4 over Chiefs
1 point – Ravens +5 over Cowboys

I have a deep hatred for Hilary Clinton. During her first senate run, I watched her sell the state the largest sack of bullshit I’ve ever seen laid on a group of people. With equal parts disbelief and and disgust, I watched the state lap it up. I sat in stunned silence as she sold herself as a New Yorker at heart who understood the plight of Upstate’s dying economy. I watched the people of upstate, so desperate for someone to notice that the state’s policies to soak downstate businesses are all but destroying the ones upstate that they’d believe anyone who offered them a bit of attention, buy in to her line of bullshit promising upstate economic revitalization. I watched a woman with no qualifications to be in Senate other than being the former president’s wife convince the dolts in this state that she’d have their back and this absolutely was not a stepping stone to a presidential run. I’ve watched her angle her do-nothing Senate seat into a baffling re-election as the Republicans were so afraid of her that they raised the white flag on her re-election and put up the political version of Barry Horowitz as her opponent. Now, she’s angled her complete lack of qualification into the most important cabinet position in the nation… and I have yet to hear anyone tell me what, exactly, qualifies her as a Secretary of State.

And, honestly, I accepted that. I got what I wanted. She was going to be out of the state. We were getting a new Senator. Sure it would be another Democrat, but that’s OK. I wouldn’t expect anything else out of a Democratic governor… but at least it would be someone qualified! It would be someone who might do something in the Senate. Sponsor legislation! Maybe someone with a political career. Maybe it wouldn’t be the wife of a brain surgeon performing brain surgery!

Imagine my surprise as the public opinion began to turn toward Caroline Kennedy… whose only qualification for being the junior senator of New York, near as I can tell, is being a Kennedy.

In fact, even former mayor Ed Koch agrees: “When you look at her, and you know what the Kennedy’s are capable of and you know the family she comes from … think of the DNA,” Koch said.

And there it is. I occasionally joke that things in the big 3 Old Northeastern Cities (That would be Boston, New York, and Philly) only get done by a complex series of favors dating back to the 1700s. It’s only half a joke, really. But this helps prove my theory. We are essentially about to hand a Senate seat to a Kennedy for no other reason other than she is a Kennedy. She is embarking on a Hilary Clinton-esque “Listening Tour” (the phrase now makes me want to kick things) of the Dead Upstate Cities (that would be Syracuse, Buffalo, and Rochester) to see what would be important to the upstate economy. Here’s a thought — not tying the upstate business rules to the city’s business rules. That’d be a good start. Here’s a second thought — when the Surface Transportation Board wants to delay or kill a plan to put a railyard in a spot that was a railyard for 100 years before it shut down operations in the 1980s, talk them out of it. Explain to me why a 2.5 hour train ride from Albany to New York City on federally subsidized passenger rail costs $70 but a 5.5 hour train ride from Albany to Boston is $24. Explain to me why Upstate’s business rules are so unfriendly that to get AMD to build a plant in Saratoga County we had to offer them a benefits and incentive package worth over a billion dollars that would make Jeff Loria blush.

But, the fake listening tour around miles of state she probably never knew existed amongst people she couldn’t care less about will work. She’ll be our senator, and she’ll win re-election in 2010… because the northeast desperately needs a Kennedy in the Senate and it looks like the old one’s about to end his reign of terror. Once again proving that we get the government we deserve.

At least we continue to have one Senator that has his mitts in everything. I may not agree with everything Chuck Schumer does or what he stands for… but goddam if he isn’t out in front representing the state every time something happens and weighs in on it with an honest opinion. And, if I don’t agree with it, I at least respect it.

L/T – Bears -3 over Saints, 27-24, Saints outright: I watched this game in Atlantis’s Pegasus Sports Book and may have dcided that I’m not cut out for gambling on football games. If anyone didn’t know the Saints’ defense was terrible, they know now. Also, Reggie Bush has a disturbing level of “I really don’t want to get hit much”-itis to be an NFL running back.

L/L – Jaguars +2 over Packers, 20-16, Packers cover: This game killed my early 3-team parlay. The Packers ended their season in humiliating fashion and kept me from hitting a 6-1 payout. Assholes.

W/W – Colts -16.5 over Lions, 31-21, Lions +16.5: Watching this game made me realize that there’s no way the Colts are winning a Super Bowl this year. The Lions looked competent and they’re terrible. A good team is going to dismantle them.

L/L – Bengals +5.5 over Redskins, 20-13, Redskins cover: From boy genius to goat in less than a year. It at least to Eric Mangini a couple years.

W/W – Falcons -3 over Bucs, 13-10, Falcons cover: Holy crap was this a boring one to watch… even just flipping to it was boring. Not good for the Bucs who are also now dealing with a 2 game division skid and appear seriously on the ropes.

W/L – Dolphins -6.5 over Niners, 14-9, Dolphins cover: The build up to the week 17 Jets/Dolphins game is starting to feel like the build-up to Wrestlemania. This game could wind up defining a franchise for the next decade. That’s one hell of a sixty minutes.

W/T – Seahawks -3 at Rams, 23-20, Seahawks cover: Nothing surprising here.

W/W – Jets -6.5 over Bills, 31-27, Bills +6.5: This game had every indication of setting the Favrewagon all aflutter. A gift defensive touchdown keeps the Jets in the hunt and continues the build toward the great Pennington Massacre of 2008.

L/L – Texans +3.5 over Titans, 13-12, Titans cover: I guess the oddsmakers know more than me… once again.

W/W – Steelers +2 over Ravens, 13-9, Steelers outright: Note 1: it was a touchdown. Note 2: there was evidence enough to overturn it. Note 3: Even if it wasn’t a touchdown (which it was) Ben on the one-inch line is plenty enough weight to get in the end zone.

W/W – Panthers -6.5 over Broncos, 30-10, Panthers cover: This is the game that killed my late parlay because I bet the wrong direction by forgetting what my original call was. I blame the Bahamas and my inability to get to my blog.

W/L – Chargers -4 over Chiefs, 22-21, Chargers cover: This team is going to end up sneaking in to the playoffs and it’s really going to make me angry.

W/W – Vikings +3 over Cardinals, 35-14, Vikings outright: If that wasn’t a division already clinched jobbing, I don’t know what was.

W/W – Patriots -7 over Raiders, 49-26, Patriots cover: No surprise here. The Patriots needed to whip up on a bad team and they did just that.

L/L – Cowboys -3 over Giants, 20-8, Giants outright: What did we learn? We learned that the Giants can survive without Plaxico or without Jacobs. We learned that they cannot survive without Plaxico AND Jacobs. Domenik Hixon and Steve Smith are excellent receiving options when you have the threat of Jacobs busting it up the middle for six yards. With only Derrek Ward and Ahmad Bradshaw. there’s nothing to worry about and the coverage can totally shut all three of them down. It was, I hope, a sobering realization to all involved.

W/W – Eagles -14 at Browns, 30-10, Eagles cover: By the time I bet this while checking out on Monday morning, the line had moved to 15.5. It still covered, making my record on the trip 1-1-1… which means I lost $5 on the deal. And that’s why bookies drive Cadillacs.

Five Good Spreads
5 points – Giants +3 over Cowboys – L
4 points – Titans -3.5 over Texans – L
3 points – Redskins -5.5 over Bengals – L
2 points – Patriots -7 over Raiders – W
1 point – Chargers -4 over Chiefs – L

Standings
Straight Up: 11-5 (131-92-1)
Spread: 8-6-2 (116-102-6)
Point Pool: 2/15 (120/225 – .533)

I’ve been hearing about Atlantis for a few years now. Whether it be from Anthony on the O&A show talking about how much he loves the casino there, Anna Nicole Smith staying there, Michael Jordan being in the $10k/night bridge suite, or whatever — people seem to love it. So, with a wedding rate on the normally “starting from $269 per person per night” rooms, we figured we might as well extend the wedding rate in to a 5-night stay.

And, God bless this place. Weeks of blog material.

7:30 AM: The alarm goes off. I really can’t put in to words how much I hate flying. I hate getting up early, I hate airports, and I hate sitting in close proximity with lots of people. Later in the week I would realize how much I need a personal yacht as it would get me to the Caribbean on my own pace and let me stay in my own room, with my own bedding, with no chance to pick up creatures.

8:00 AM: Our car arrives. Taking public transit to JFK is nearly impossible so we generally order a car. This one smells like a delicious mixture of mothballs and body odor. Auspicious start.

8:45 AM: Arrive JFK, an airport they couldn’t have possibly put farther from Manhattan and still called it part of the city. Ms. L apparently decided to register me without my middle name or my suffix so the Jetblue curbside kiosk check-in rejects me. It’s completely understandable as I’ve only had the same name on my passport since 2002.

9:05 AM: At the security line, the people in front of me have a stroller, car seat, 2 diaper bags, and carry-ons. The car seat does not fit in the X-Ray machine and hilarity ensues.

9:08 AM: To mess with us further, the security guard comes over and drops a Casio keyboard on the conveyor belt. Really?

9:20 AM: Arrive Jetblue’s new Terminal 5 at JFK. Gorgeous new terminal that doesn’t have the layer of funk that’s on the rest of JFK. Free wireless, charging stations, an iPod dispenser (seriously!!), and restaurants make this one of the nicer terminals I’ve been in. One negative – no McDonalds. I like eating a McGriddle before flying because two of them put me in a food coma deeper than a pair of Valium. However, a random no-name pizza place comes up huge with a sausage, egg, and cheese calzone.

I’m going to take this moment to rescind my 2007 post about Jetblue sucking. Since then, I’ve flown Jetblue a few times and now I can’t imagine flying without a personal TV, Dunkin Donuts coffee, and a lil bag of Dorito/Cheeto/Sun-Chip/Pretzel mix. Congrats, Jetblue. You’ve won me over.

11:30 AM: Take-off.

11:35 AM: No food coma. Since Ms. L booked the flight for us and one co-worker, we have the whole row. For the first time in recorded history, I’m not paired with the fattest person on the plane. Little did I know this would be re-visited on me tenfold on the flight home.

2:30 PM: Arrive Lynden Pindling International Airport (NAS). After going through customs, we are given a free rum cocktail (sponsored by Bacardi, of course).

2:31 PM: We call Melvin, who we were told was the man to call to get us to the resort for $10/head. Surprisingly, a $500/night resort doesn’t offer an airport shuttle… which is the first of many things this weekend I will find baffling.

2:45 PM: We walk out the door and Melvin is waiting for us. I have no idea how he knew it was us, but he did. Or, at least some guy saying his name was Melvin was waiting for us.

3:30 PM: Arrive Atlantis. According to Trip Adviser, the Disney land of the Caribbean. I look forward to seeing what $500/night gets someone.

3:31 PM: Looks an awful lot like what $179/night gets you. The room is pretty much a standard hotel overlooking the bay that separates Paradise Island from Nassau. “Overlooking” is a generous statement. We’re on the eighth floor and separated from the bay by the front yard of Royal Towers. We can see where the cruise ships dock at Nassau.

4:00 PM: The first indication that this place might be a touch overpriced – the room service menu boasts an “American breakfast.” This includes two eggs, homefries, choice of meat, juice, and coffee for $27. This is for one person. This is also not in Pesos. If you’re keeping track at home, that’s $54 for two people for breakfast.

4:50 PM: We meet the bride for a super late lunch. I get my first of many truly Bahamian meals by grabbing a cheeseburger and french fries near the pool. Ms. L opts for chicken nuggets. Taste the international flair!!

5:10 PM: Official vacation nap #1.

6:15 PM: Flip on the TV to see what kind of Bahamian stations we get. As it turns out, we get Miami’s local channels and 40 American cable channels.

6:18 PM: THE ROOM HAS SUNDAY TICKET. This will not end well.

8:00 PM: We decide on a dinner place. To do so, we flip through the resort’s 30-odd restaurants. Some are closed as apparently mid-December in a crap economy does not lend itself to having all the restaurants on the resort open. Imagine our surprise to discover their restaurants include Carmine’s (Italian food, also located in Times Square), Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grille (Southwestern food, located on Fifth Ave near Washington Square), Johnny Rockets (Burgers, located in a Mall near you), and Nobu (Japanese, multiple locations in Mahattan). We desperately search for some kind of Bahamian restaurant before settling on the one open restaurant that supposedly offers “traditional Bahamian food”.

8:15 PM: I begin to find that claim dubious as someone at our table orders a Ceaser salad while I settle on a Cuban sandwich. By the by: Cuban sandwich in a Manhattan deli – $5. Cuban sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory – $9 and you get two meals out of it. Cuban sandwich here – $18 and among the worst I’ve ever had. The “bacon” has the consistency of McMuffin bacon and the pork is — well — it’s hard to screw up pork, really, but they found a way. Ms. L goes for a shrimp roll, which is Shrimp, mayo, and onion.

An aside here — while we were eating, we had the opportunity to sit through this restaurant’s version of the “it’s your birthday” song… which was the LONGEST it’s your birthday song in the history of the world. It clocked in at just under 15 minutes, involved a bone-rattling bass drum, another drum, and a weird mix between bells and a moraccas. It started as a parade over the table with the employees singing Little Drummer Boy and Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer, before finally settling on some kind of birthday song, dancing with everyone at the table, and parading back. It went so long that it went from funny, to awful, to obnoxious, to kind of awkward, back to funny. Then, about 30 minutes later, THEY DID IT AGAIN.

9:20 PM: I take a walk through the casino. It’s been a few years since I’ve been in a casino, but it’s good to see that even international ones share that same smell of smoke, stale beer, and failure. I look at tables that I almost certainly will not use as I’m pretty sure the entire gambling budget will be spent on football betting.

11:15 PM: Back in the room. We sit in bed and watch Food Network for a bit before bed. Truly Bahamian.

First Impression – Everything here is overpriced. Everything. And I live in the epicenter of overpriced. The “local” Bahamian beer is $6.50 in the wet bar and $7.50 on the casino floor. The “imports” are Heineken and Miller Lite and they’re both $6.50. I could deal with (and expect) overpriced alcohol, but the food prices border on absurd. For reference, the menu at Carmine’s is DOUBLE the price of the Manhattan version… and the Manhattan version is in Times Square. One of the dinner buffets is $67. The greatest dinner buffet I’ve ever had was the Pharaoh’s Feast at the Luxor in Vegas. That buffet is $24.95 and shenanigans that you can somehow make a more robust selection that costs $40 more.

I said this in the Cancun post last year — I continually fail to see why people in the US spend so much money to go to Caribbean Islands Americanized to the point where they may as well be in Florida. The Marina Village has a Starbucks, Jamba Juice, and Ben & Jerry’s. The shops are Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, and Dooney & Burke. Why bother? Save the international flight fees and go to Florida for the climate or Manhattan for the dining.

As of now — the food is absurdly overpriced, all the food is American or Americanized versions of Bahamian dishes, the cheapest drinks are Manhattan lounge ($8 beer, $10 wine, $15 well drinks), and my $500/night room 1) doesn’t have a balcony and 2) even if it did, overlooks the bay and not the ocean. 95% of my enjoyment in the Caribbean comes from sitting on a balcony, smoking a cigar, having a cocktail, and listening to the waves come in. Don’t try to sell me two eggs, bacon, coffee, and homefries for $25 while telling me how awesome your resort is. Just don’t. And don’t tell me that the one foot (literally… I measured) strip of concrete outside my sliding glass doors is a “French balcony.” It’s a one foot strip of concrete.

I feel like I could get a more authentic Bahamian experience in Queens. Maybe that’s a function of being an elitist-douche Manhattanite. I don’t know. I do know that I feel an uncomfortable amount of disdain for this place that caters to fellow countrymen and am identifying too much with Anthony Bourdain — who is the quintessential traveling douche NYCer.

Tomorrow – Around the resort.

Turbo “I have a flight at 11 am” version of the picks.

Thursday
New Orleans Saints +3 at Chicago Bears: I have a very hard time picking indoor teams in December in Chicago… unless they have a 3 headed running back attack monster of doom. Saints outright.

Sunday

Green Bay Packers -2 at Jacksonville Jaguars: Packers finally get a win. Too little, too late. Packers cover.

Detroit Lions +16.5 at Indianapolis Colts: Pretty sure the Colts aren’t back to “blowing out teams by 30 in consecutive weeks. If they are, I’ll take the hit. Lions +16.5

Washington Redskins -5.5 at Cincinnati Bengals: Now THIS is the perfect team to have a bounceback week against. Redskins cover.

Tampa Bay Bucs +2.5 at Atlanta Falcons: NFC South + Home team = Falcons cover.

San Francisco 49ers +6.5 at Miami Dolphins: The Niners are on the east coast and the Dolphins are well on their way to crushing the Jets hopes and dreams on the final week of the season in the Meadowlands. As an added bonus, it might be Chad Pennington that does it. Dolphins cover.

Seattle Seahawks -3 at St. Louis Rams: The Seahawks have put on a decent performance the last couple of weeks and lost due to a few mistakes. Fortunately, they’re playing a team that now makes more mistakes than they do. Seahawks cover.

Buffalo Bills +6.5 at New York Jets: The Jets probably eek this out to prolong their fans exquisite torture. Bills +6.5

Tennessee Titans -3.5 at Houston Texans: Huh? Titans cover.

Pittsburgh Steelers +2 at Baltimore Ravens: Yoof. Normally I would call this a “when in doubt, go with the home team” but all other things being somewhat equal, I need to go with the better QB. Steelers outright.

Denver Broncos +6.5 over Carolina Panthers: Yoof. The Panthers are playing for an undefeated season at home and the chance to keep home field throughout. I don’t think you play like they did last week and then drop a stinker against the Broncos. Although, I can hope. Panthers cover.

San Diego Chargers -4 at Kansas City Chiefs: The Chargers probably beat up another bad team on their way to not getting in to the playoffs. Chargers cover.

Minnesota Vikings +3 at Arizona Cardinals: This has let-down game written all over it. Huge, division clinching win at home last week followed by a slow down with their division essentially clinched. Vikings outright.

New England Patriots -7 at Oakland Raiders: Patriots need the win to stay alive. Al Davis needs misery to feed. Patriots cover.

New York Giants +3 at Dallas Cowboys: Sweet Nectar. Don’t let this spread move too much before I get to the Bahamas tomorrow. Giants cover.

Monday
Cleveland Browns +14 at Philadelphia Eagles: After that week against the Giants last week and Cleveland’s horrific run defense, this game should be covered in the first quarter. Eagles cover

Five Good Spreads
5 points – Giants +3 over Cowboys
4 points – Titans -3.5 over Texans
3 points – Redskins -5.5 over Bengals
2 points – Patriots -7 over Raiders
1 point – Chargers -4 over Chiefs

Trying to get the football posts done pre-Bahamas. Ain’t nothing like doing picks on Tuesday.

W/L – Chargers -10 over Raiders, 34-7, Raiders +10: You know, when I read something that says “every time the Chargers have needed a huge win against the Raiders in the last five years, they’ve come up big” I should really listen. Speaking of which, add another tick on my hatred of the Chargers — a one-point fantasy loss in the first round of the playoffs with Antonio Gates getting 0 receptions for 0 yards. My hatred for this team grows every day.

W/L – Colts -14 over Bengals, 35-3, Bengals +14: I should also stop making declarations like “best spread on the board” because I’m rarely, if ever, right. TDL, jinx extraordinaire.

W/W – Bears -4 over Jags, 23-10, Bears cover: I’ll honestly be surprised if the Jags score more than 20 for the rest of the season. I’m interested to see what happens to Jack Del Rio in the offseason. It seems like the team has quit on him because he’s kind of a dick. The coach usually takes the fall for that…. because asking guys to actually be “winning” before they celebrate on the field is apparently over the line.

L/L – Texans +5.5 over Packers, 24-21, Packers cover: Two weeks with a chance to make a play at the division at home and two really bad games by the Packers defense. I think we can safely call the Pack out of the race for the year.

W/W – Titans -14 over Browns, 28-9, Titans cover: No huge surprise here. It was, in fact, ugly.

L/W – Vikings -9 over Lions, 20-16, Lions outright: So so so so close. I could taste my smugness for calling this. It was right on the tip of my tongue. I had a whole paragraph talking about how awesome I am. Damn Lions.

W/L – Patriots -4.5 over Seahawks, 24-21, Patriots cover: The definition of why three or four point spreads suck.

L/W – Eagles +8.5 over Giants, 20-14, Eagles +8.5: The difference between last year and this year. Last year, had this game happened, the media would be calling for Eli to be fired and to draft a new quarterback. This year, someone might notice that Eli threw two perfect touchdown passes that Domenik Hixon, one that literally hit him in the chest on the run 50 yards downfield, dropped. Terrible performance by the receivers, great run defense by the Eagles, and the complete inability to stop Westbrook. Not a huge deal… I didn’t think the Giants were going 15-1 this year. Everyone needs to pull in to perspective that a 13-3 season would be just fine. The best part about this is that the Giants/Cowboys game might have a reasonable spread that I can bet on in the sports book next Sunday.

L/L – Saints -3 over Falcons, 29-25, Falcons cover: In what will go down as my biggest fantasy mistake of the season, I decided against playing Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas at the same time who scored 16 and 22 points respectively.

L/L – Niners +4 over Jets, 24-14, Jets cover: Only the Jets could take their fan base from “going to the Super Bowl” to “lucky to make the playoffs” in two weeks. They are amongst the cruelest franchises in HISTORY to root for.

W/W – Dolphins +1 over Bills, 16-3, Dolphins cover: Well-played, Buffalo. Good call, Bill Simmons on a “raucous crowd” in Toronto. The team couldn’t have cared less, was probably mostly papered, and the Bills essentially gave up home-field for the game.

W/W – Broncos -9.5 over Chiefs, 24-17, Chiefs +9.5: I didn’t see any of this game, but one more win knocks the Chargers and nickname-stealer out of the playoffs, so that makes me happy.

W/W – Cardinals -13.5 over Rams, 34-10, Cardinals cover: Show successfully put on. Praise Jesus. Points to the Cardinals Defense for piling up 23-points and making me almost a genius.

W/W – Steelers -3 over Cowboys, 20-13, Steelers cover: I have to be honest. I was pulling for the Cowboys to win this game. Had the Cowboys won and the Giants lost I’d be GETTING 3 or 3.5 points next week. With them both losing, I’ll probably only have to bet the Giants at -4, but it would have been more fun to get them at +3/+120 or something.

W/W – Ravens -5 over Ravens, 24-10, Ravens cover: Ugly game by the Redskins. This probably puts them away for the season.

L/L – Panthers -3 over Bucs, 38-23, Bucs outright: This is the first Panthers game I’ve seen all season. Watching two running backs completely own a pretty good defense for 60-straight minutes was something to behold. Apparently the secret is to never let Jake Delhomme throw in a pressure spot and the Panthers can walk to the big game. Props to Steve Smith for scoring the last single point to knock me out of the playoffs in the middle of the 4th quarter to spread the torture out for as long as possible.

F*ck you, Norv.

Five Good Spreads

5 points – Bengals +14 over Colts – L
4 points – Steelers -3 over Cowboys – W
3 points – Dolphins +1 over Bills – W
2 points – Cardinals -13.5 over Rams – W
1 point – Bears -4 over Jags – W

Standings

Straight Up: 10-6 (120-87-1)
Spread: 9-7 (108-96-4)
Point Pool: 10/15 (118/210 – .561)

Robust Porter
Brewed By: Smuttynose
Brewed In: Portsmouth, NH
Type: Porter
Awards: GOLD MEDAL WINNER – Porter, 2001 Great American Beer Festival
ABV: 5.7%

What They Say: This hearty, mahogany colored ale is brewed to evoke the dark, full-bodied ales that were a favorite of dockworkers and warehousemen (hence the name “Porter”) in 19th century London. It is a good bet that when Dickens’ Mr. Pickwick sat down for a pint, we would have been drinking an ale much like our Robust Porter.This is a smooth and very drinkable beer, characterized by its well-balanced malt and hops, plus subtle notes of coffee and chocolate.

Website: Excellent website. I’m generally put-off by 3-column layouts because I think they look too crowded, but the Smuttynose front page has enough mix of images and text to make it work. If I have one complaint it’s that the beer stuff and the dog adoption stuff should be “above the fold” because it’s more important to me than filler text which, generally, no one reads. People tend to scan webpages to pick out images, links, and headlines and usually ignore standard text. As such, the center column with the blurb about the company is probably wasted. But, for the most part, well done site. Extra points for the Brewer’s Notes blog and the Tavern blog.

Why I Picked It: Since I decided I wanted a stout in my growler (kinky), I went with a six pack of porter. I was contemplating just getting a second growler because they had a new Sixpoint, but decided to knock another Smuttynose off my list.

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Presentation (5): Smuttynose always gets 3 automatic bonus points on presentation. They get 2 points because their seal mascot is so damn adorable. They get an extra 1 point because at every Smuttynose tasting I’ve attended, their rep Dan Henry is one of the friendliest dudes I’ve ever met. The “Robust Porter” has a picture of a circus strongman holding a barrel under one arm and a dancer in the other. In the lower right is a picture of an old dog wearing clown costume. I guess the strongman is “robust”? I don’t love Smuttynose packaging but, to their credit, I know a Smuttynose box and bottle when I see it across a room, so they grudgingly do get the job done. 4

Originality (5): It’s a basic porter, so the originality would take a hit if it wasn’t winning awards back in a pre-9/11 world. This is another case where it’s tough to rate originality based on the time frame since I was still sucking down Busch Light in 2001 or, when I felt like an upgrade, Killian’s. Since I don’t remember a huge number of Porters sitting on supermarket shelves back in those dark days (and not a whole lot of things involving chocolate or coffee) I’ll give it a bonus. 3

Body (10): It’s a porter, through and through. Gentle, almost non-existent carbonation with almost no taste until the malt hits the back of your tongue. Definitely a full-bodied, dare I say, robust porter combining the best parts of an English dark ale with the best parts of what’s become the trademarks of an American craft porter. 7

Taste (10): As tends to be the case with porters, the initial flavor is pretty weak with the real kick coming in the aftertaste when the bitter notes of the coffee and chocolate hit your tongue at the same time. Deductions for the taste hanging around on the back of your tongue indefinitely. I don’t mind a beer sitting on my tongue for a little while, but having to eat a clove of garlic to get it to go away is not good. 7

Efficiency (10): As a Robust porter, it’s not something one could pound, but a reasonably hefty ABV combined with a good, forgiving flavor ups its efficiency. The cost of six is not any higher than your average microbrew sixpack. All told, it’s as efficient as one can ask for in a standard-priced sixer. 10

Versatility (10): The same thing that helps the beer’s efficiency hurts the versatility. You’re not drinking this beer quickly. If you do, you’ll feel like you ate a meal and will be tired. This is a perfect “sit around and watch a football game” or “have a beer with your steak” beer and not much else. Best consumed in the opposite of mass-quantities. 3

Final Grade: 34 (of 50) – Good Beer.

Thursday
Oakland Raiders +10 at San Diego Chargers: I’m sure the whole “division rivalry” thing seemed like a good idea for a national game at some point… but, seriously? The best we can hope for here is to see who can be more sullen — Phillip Rivers or LDT. The best I can hope for is 9 touchdowns thrown to Antonio Gates. All that said, the Chargers aren’t good enough to merit a 10 point spread against anyone… even the Raiders. Raiders +10

Sunday
Cincinnati Bengals +14 at Indianapolis Colts: The Colts should really only be getting 5 points every week. Maybe six. They’re just not the team that crushes opponent’s souls anymore. This looks like the best spread on the board this week. Bengals + 14.

Jacksonville Jaguars +4 at Chicago Bears: Really can’t pick the Jags anymore… especially not going up to cold December Chicago to play a team that just got housed by a division rival last week. The Bears are generally pretty predictable in these situations and the Jags have punched out. Bears cover.

Houston Texans +5.5 at Green Bay Packers: Well, so much for thinking the Packers were going to take a stand at home and win the north. I have no faith in this Texans team. Packers cover.

Cleveland Browns +14 at Tennessee Titans: The Browns have pretty much no offense and pretty much no defense. There’s no reason this game won’t end in a similar massacre to the Lions game next week. It’s going to be ugly, methinks. Titans cover.

Minnesota Vikings -9 at Detroit Lions: OK, I’ve made the case in my head that this Lions team probably isn’t going to go 0-16. This is the last shot. They know it, we know it, and they only lost 12-10 the last time they played the Vikings. Regardless of anything, I’m pretty sure they’re going to cover… the only question is whether I take them outright. I think I do. Lions outright.

New England Patriots -4.5 at Seattle Seahawks: The Patriots are traveling across the country to face a pretty bad Seahawks team that got beat up by the Cowboys last week. I see no reason why the Patriots’ defense can’t similarly hold down the Seahawks. I also think that Randy Moss is probably going to catch anything that comes remotely close after a pretty embarrassing week. Patriots cover.

Philadelphia Eagles +8.5 at New York Giants: Ugh. Well… the simple rule I can apply to this is “unless I’m really sure, never take an NFC East team to beat another NFC East by more than three points and never ever ever take an NFC East team to beat another NFC East by more than 7 points unless your paycheck sure.” The Giants have been dealing with this Plaxico stuff in one form or another all season, so I don’t think it’s going to be that much of a distraction. Having Antonio Pierce in the mix is a problem. Big test game for the Giants here… and be sure that if they lose the Cowboys will be positive that the team is falling apart in December and for ESPN to agree. Eagles +8.5

Atlanta Falcons +3 at New Orleans Saints: Both of this week’s NFC South match-ups suck to pick. Here’s the deal. The ONLY reason I’d pick against the Falcons here is that this is a consecutive road game after having to be in San Diego the previous week. I don’t think that’s enough. I think the Saints are a little too banged up and have a little too much going on to knock off a good team right now. I think the Falcons win this and turn next week’s home game against the Bucs in to a HUGE game. Falcons cover.

New York Jets -4 at San Francisco 49ers: One-game hiccup to keep their fans nervous. Should bounce back against a bad team. Jets cover.

Miami Dolphis +1 “at” Buffalo Bills (in Toronto): I heard the point made that one of the reasons Chad Pennington’s doing much better in Miami this season is because the offense is designed more to his strengths and he doesn’t have to deal with crazy Meadowlands wind to take his wounded geese out of the air. This is why he tends to be better in Miami and in warm-weather/indoor stadiums. Fortunately for the Bills, this game is at home in wind-blown, snowy, cold Buffalo. Wait, no it’s not… but it’s in Toronto, where it will still be wind-blown, snowy, and cold. Wait, no it’s not… the Skydome management is insisting on keeping the roof closed. So, what should have been a strong bit of home-field advantage for the Bills has turned in to home-field advantage for the Dolphins. Combine that with the fact they can’t even sell out the Skydome for this trainwreck and this is hardly a home-game for the Bills at all. If this game was at Ralph Wilson, I’d take the Bills to cover anything less than 10. Here, I’m taking the Dolphins outright. Dolphins outright.

Kansas City Chiefs +9.5 at Denver Broncos: There has to be some sort of pattern with the Broncos, but I don’t know what it is yet. They lose to bad teams at home (Raiders) and beat decent teams on the road (Jets, Atlanta). On top of that, they’re one of KC’s two wins. Now they have a terrible team at home and there’s no way I can take them to cover ten. Even taking them to win leaves me with the douche-chills. Chiefs +9.5

St. Louis Rams +13.5 at Arizona Cardinals: Arizona is a good team that got housed by a fired-up Eagles team. Now they’ve had a long week, they’re staring at a terrible team, AND they can clinch the division for the first time since 1975 at home? This is going to be a beating. Cardinals cover.

Dallas Cowboys +3 at Pittsburgh Steelers: Yes, the Cowboys are getting healthy. Yes, the Steelers blew the doors off the Patriots last week and are due to snap back a little. No, this doesn’t mean the Cowboys are only a 3-point dog on the road in December Pittsburgh after knocking around two terrible teams in consecutive weeks. Let’s put it this way… nothing would make me happier than the Cowboys getting knocked around in Pittsburgh and then being buried in their building and put away by the Giants on national television next Sunday night that I’ll get to watch at a sports book in the Bahamas. In other news, I just realized I’m going to have access to a sports book next Sunday. And just like that, my trip gets more expensive. Second best spread of the week. Steelers cover.

Washington Redskins +5 at Baltimore Ravens: The Redskins offense has been anemic for something like 4 straight weeks. This is not the defense to bounce back against. Ravens cover.

Monday
Tampa Bay Bucs +3 at Carolina Panthers: I may have picked this game at the beginning of the year to be for the division — but I don’t think I would have guessed them both to be 9-3 and legit threats to pull a Giants. Carolina has come up short in their last few chances to put this division away. They blew a chance to make a statement against the Bucs in October. They blew a chance to take the division two weeks ago in Atlanta. Here’s my problem with the Panthers. The Panthers dropped games have been big games. The Bucs dropped games have been random losses. This is the biggest game of the season and I don’t think Carolina can get it done. Bucs outright.

Five Good Spreads

5 points – Bengals +14 over Colts
4 points – Steelers -3 over Cowboys
3 points – Dolphins +1 over Bills
2 points – Cardinals -13.5 over Rams
1 point – Bears -4 over Jags

W/W – Titans -11 over Lions, 47-10, Titans cover: This game was ugly. It was 21-3 before I went to my parents’ house. The Lions Thanksgiving game really needs to to go.

W/L – Cowboys -13 over Cowboys, 34-9, Seahawks +13: Dallas has three division opponents they need to play at home every year and, somehow, we still always end up with a horrifying out of division opponent on Thanksgiving. Dallas’s last three home opponents were the Seahawks, the Steelers, and the Giants. You’re telling me the NFL saw that and said: “Yep… Seahawks.”

W/W – Eagles -3 over Cardinals, 48-20, Eagles cover: I might have been one of about five people in the universe not surprised by this game. There was no other way this game was going to go. And just read this..

L/L – Broncos +8.5 over Jets, 34-17, Jets cover: One universal rule of my lifetime: as soon as you invest too much in the Jets, they disappoint you. As soon as I wrote “anything less than 14 is a must take in this game” it should have immediately set off bells to at least take the Broncos to cover. That’s my bad.

L/L – Niners +7 over Bills, 10-3, Bills cover: The Niners are the team to travel east and win this week. Who knew?

L/W – Bucs -4.5 over Saints, 23-20, Saints outright: Thanks for coming, New Orleans.

L/L – Panthers +3 over Packers, 35-31, Packers cover: Packers fans have the balls to boo Aaron Rogers for throwing a late-game interception? Kiddin me? The Panthers are a really annoying team that just won’t go away.

W/W – Giants -3 over Redskins, 23-7, Giants cover: The fact that the team looked this good without Plaxico is probably a good thing. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen the last of him on the Giants. Maybe in the NFL. Unlicensed gun charges in NYC are bad. Unlicensed gun charges across state lines are really bad. While it’s probably not the best use of the taxpayers’ money to prosecute a guy carrying a weapon that he likely was never going to use in a crime. If he’d injured someone else, I’d probably feel differently… but he didn’t.

W/L – Dolphins -7.5 over Rams, 16-12, Dolphins cover: Meh.

W/W – Ravens -6.5 over Bengals, 34-3, Ravens cover: About what was to be expected from this Ravens team. Crushing a bad team, road or no. Good defense tends to travel well.

W/W – Colts -3.5 over Browns, 10-6, Colts cover: It’s amazing that this Colts team is considered not that good because they don’t beat teams by enough. The media is amazing.

W/W – Falcons +4.5 over Chargers, 22-16, Falcons outright: Can we declare the Chargers season over? I think we can. Thanks for coming, Norv.

W/W – Steelers +1 over Patriots, 33-10, Steelers outright: I think the only surprising thing here is how many people thought the Patriots had a shot at this game.

L/L – Chiefs +3 over Raiders, 20-13, Raiders cover: Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

W/W – Vikings +3.5 over Vikings, 34-14, Vikings cover: I’ve never seen a game go so sour so quickly after one blown play. The Vikings make a huge stand at 4th and goal from the 2, then go on to outscore the Bears something like 27-3 over the next 40 minutes. Crazy. This was the also the first game watched on my dad’s new HDTV. This officially makes me the last guy on Earth who doesn’t have HD.

W/W – Texans -3.5 over Jaguars, 30-17, Texans cover: I was actually out to dinner during this game so I didn’t see anything. But, I won, so that’s all that matters.

Five Good Spreads

5 points – Saints +4.5 over Bucs – W
4 points – Eagles -3 over Cardinals – W
3 points – Falcons +4.5 over Chargers – W
2 points – Seahawks +13 over Cowboys – L
1 point – Giants -3 over Redskins – W

Standings

Straight Up: 11-5 (110-81-1)
Spread: 10-6 (99-89-4)
Point Pool: 13/15 (108/195 – .554)

Five words that no man wants to hear on a Friday night. Five words that can strike terror in to a man’s heart. Five words that can ruin a weekend.

“We’re going to Wal-Mart tomorrow.”

When Ms. L dropped that bombshell Friday night on the way home from a second straight evening of my mom’s ongoing pet project titled “Operation: Give My Family Diabetes”, I tried to play comatose. When that didn’t work, I whined. When that didn’t work, I quickly went through the five stages of grief before sadly settling on acceptance.

Y’see, Thanksgiving is one of the few weekends each year where we either pop for a car rental or use my car to drive up. Since I still own a place, we generally haul all the Salvation Army clothes upstate, along with summer clothes to store in the relatively large house we don’t live in, laundry (since laundry in my upstate house is free), and Ninja Kitty. We return with free, clean laundry, winter clothes, and as many groceries as we can fit in a rental car. The Walmart trip is a double-edged sword. On the good side, we get about two months worth of crap for, literally, 1/3rd of NYC prices. On the bad side, we spend about an hour in Walmart.

10:30 am: I’m sleeping on the couch because the townhouse doesn’t have beds. There’s a couch downstairs and an air mattress upstairs. I take the couch because Ms. L hates it. The couch is about 25 years old and I’m the third generation to sleep on it. It’s logged about a billion hours of loungin’ time between my dad and my granddad. It’s horrifyingly ugly, but built extra long for my tall grandfather and fabulously comfortable. As I was not blessed with height, it fits me and the cat comfortably. It’s one of those pieces of furniture that all men love and all women want to light on fire. At some point, Ms. L has come down and turned on Food Network and tries to bribe me awake with coffee. It almost works… then I fall back to sleep and have odd dreams about the Neelys.

11:30 am: I actually get up.

12:00 pm: I go in to the kitchen to get coffee and breakfast. Breakfast, of course, is an oversized chocolate chip muffin with chocolate frosting from Price Chopper. Since this weekend had no chance of being healthy, I decided to just completely blow off any semblance of health for any meal.

12:15 pm: We leave. You’ll note the lack of shower time. I shower after Walmart, people.

12:16 pm: “We need to go to Colonie Center. I want to go to Steve & Barry’s.” This day could go on the short list of worst days ever.

12:45 pm: Arrive Colonie Center… one of the few remaining malls upstate. Malls are horrifying places on Black Weekend. I park near Macy’s. We head toward the mall and immediately get behind slow-walkers. When people talk about the “pace” being faster in New York, they really just mean that everyone walks realizing they are actually trying to get somewhere. Upstate, everyone walks as though through a mine-field. I know I used to do this and want to punch myself for it.

1:00 pm: Ms. L goes to New York & Co to find a winter jacket. I go to Barnes and Noble to read nerd stuff.

1:20 pm: We go to Steve & Barry’s. I feel like this is the Walmart appetizer. Since they’re going out of business, their normally $10 suspect clothing is now $4.98 suspect clothing. You’ve never seen so many XXXL and XS clothes in one place. I’d also wager you’ve never seen people with SHOPPING CARTS full of Starbury.

1:35 pm: Cheesecake Factory? You bet’cha fuggin Cheesecake Factory. I house a Cuban sandwich and half a plate of cheese Wontons. Ms. L opts for the appetizer of deep-fried mac & cheese. It’s 2-days after Thanksgiving. Eff it.

2:00 pm: On the way.

2:30 pm: Arrive the Walmart on Washington Avenue Extension. Now, this Walmart used to be a dirty little place. Ms. L informs me that this is now a SUPER Walmart with two floors of lead-made goods from China.

2:45 pm: The list of stuff that we needed: a hair dryer, a TV tray, razor blades (for a Mach 3, not to end the misery), a mixing bowl, cleaning supplies, and a new trash can.

2:50 pm: “Do we need cat litter?” “Not really.” “It’s 21 pounds for $8.00.” “Buy it.” To note, a 5-pound jug in Manhattan is $6.50.

3:xx pm: Mad Lib. “Do we need [noun]?” “Not really.” “It’s [absurdly large amount] for [reasonable amount of money].” “Buy it.” To note, a [absurdly small amount] in Manhattan is [incredibly inflated amount of money]. Fill in as you feel appropriate.

4:30 pm: Total Walmart bill: $272.05. I did not think this was possible without buying furniture or electronics.

4:31 pm: We walk to the car and I’m loading bags o’ Walmart into my trunk. I drop “aren’t we gloriously suburban today.” I almost question my occasional desire to move back to this, then realize I’m driving back to a house whose mortgage is 1/5th my rent.

4:35 pm: WE FORGOT THE F(*&*#ING MIXING BOWL.

5:15 pm: Arrive home, empty the car.

5:30 pm: Glorious, glorious shower.