One New York Life

As mentioned in the Law & Order standard post, a series recording led me to give SVU another shot. Much like Law & Order standard, the problems I had with SVU are exactly the same as they were two years ago.

1) Any bit of deviance that any person has is outlined as some ridiculous terrifying thing that will eventually lead to rape and murder. Enjoy having cyber-sex on Second Life? Murderer. Enjoy “barely 18″ porn? Pedophile waiting to escalate. Own guns? Serial wife-beater and murderer waiting to happen. Watch porn? Rapist. Want to defend yourself against such charges? Demon. I’m sure this makes the SVU puritanical target audience very happy — after all, whatever their particular kink is isn’t nearly as evil, I’m sure — but, everyone in the world has something a little off that gets them… well.. off. Surprisingly, they don’t all go out and rape.

2) Plots are still so maddeningly predictable that it’s hardly fun. In one episode, while investigating the murder of an astronaut, Stabler randomly meets the guy who was his hero in the Marines. The guy’s a national hero, an astronaut, and wants to be the oldest guy to walk on the moon in 2015. For the entire hour, they laid on how well-respected this guy was, how much Elliot loved him, even allowing the guy to help catch a witness AND revealing Elliot named his son after this guy. In the “shocking” twist at the end, they revealed him to be the murderer. Did anyone who’s watched SVU for more than 10 minutes not see that coming? Is it any wonder that these SVU detectives are so messed up? Everyone they’ve ever known in their lives are either rapists, murderers, or rape victims.

3) The show has become laden with “FOR GOD’S SAKE PLEASE GIVE ME AN EMMY” over-acting. Whether it’s Stabler dealing with his daughter’s manic-depressiveness or Benson seeing Stabler getting shot… we get it. You guys want awards.

4) I see they’ve ceased mentioning that the department only allows people to work in SVU or a set number of years because it’s so hard on the psyche. They seem completely OK with Elliot breaking in to a guy’s apartment and beating him near to death for having a picture of his daughter.

Like, I understand that all the civil liberty violations on SVU are OK because the detectives are never wrong. But I constantly find myself asking “what if they didn’t do it?” No wonder Middle America thinks everyone’s out to rape their kids. No show has ever made me want to be a defense attorney more than SVU… and that’s saying something.

W/W – Dolphins +3 over Jets, 24-17, Dolphins outright: Shea Stadium’s cats had their revenge on the Mets and the Jets this season. See what happens when 100 feral cats get together and hand out curses? Regardless, Jet fans have already gone crazy — calling for firing Mangini (already done), hiring Bill Cowher (which isn’t going to happen) and trading for Matt Cassell. First off — Cowher is never going to coach for the Jets because he just isn’t what they need. Cowher was given time by the Steelers to do what he needed to do… the Jets won’t give him that. Secondly — Cassell is not what you want. Next year is going to be a wash with a new coach, a new system, and a new quarterback… don’t bring in a re-tread. Thirdly — you shouldn’t have fired Mangini. Don’t you think you should have given the guy a year or two with a quarterback he actually wanted instead of one hired for marketing purposes? He didn’t want Pennington and he surely didn’t want Brett Favre. Mangini’s going to be out of work for like… an hour. Also, I called the “out of nowhere” playoff team for the 2nd consecutive year. Go me!

W/W – Falcons -14.5 over Rams, 31-27, Rams +14.5: Well, one of the two “out of nowhere” playoff teams.

L/L – Texans -3 over Bears, 31-24, Bears outright: I did know that the Texans are an absurdly good home team but I thought the Bears would want it a little more and get it done when they had to. Little did I know it would be the Bears defense that fell apart in a game where Kyle Orton showed up and threw 22-37 for 244 yards, 2 touchdowns, and no interceptions. An unimpressed Matt Schaub threw 27-36 for 328 yards, 2 touchdowns, and no interceptions. I did notice that as soon as this game went to final, Tom Coughlin threw in the towel and put all defensive replacements on the field in Minnesota.

W/W – Packers -11 over Lions, 31-21, Lions +11: If you had gone to Vegas in 2006 and asked a casino if you could get the following prop bet — that one team would go 16-0 in the regular season and then a team would go 0-16 the very next year… what kind of odds could you have gotten? 1,000,000 to 1?

L/W – Vikings -6.5 over Giants, 20-19, Giants outright: When David Carr threw a touchdown pass in the 2nd half after Eli failed to throw one in the 1st half, I immediately texted Hulse with “Quarterback Controversey!!!” It occurs to me the Giants might be able to get a draft pick for David Carr. He’s another guy that would be good in the right system — one that isn’t “expansion team in its first five seasons.”

L/W – Panthers -3 over Saints, 33-31, Saints outright: I don’t know why I didn’t hedge my bets here and take the Saints with the points. I guess I thought the NFC South homefield rule would be enough to carry them and it almost was.

W/L, Steelers -10 over Browns, 31-0, Browns +10: Romeo should probably get another year to coach with the new quarterback. Unless you are absolutely sure the guy you’re hiring will have the right system for Brady Quinn, you’re basically signing up for next year to be another loser. At the very least, I do hope that Romeo will get occassionally “I’m Sorry” checks from Braylon Edwards’s hands. So, should we assume that Romeo will be Mangini’s coordinator next year or that Mangini will be Romeo’s? Or is the better bet “which guy will Jim Fassel hire to be his defensive coordinator”?

W/L – Patriots -6.5 over Bills, 13-0, Bills +6.5: I did expect the Bills to at least score in this game. That explosion you hear from the West is Cam guffawing while Bill Simmons explodes. BTW: are we back to thinking that Brady’s a system quarterback now that Cassell won 11 games or do we have to wait until next year after some team overpays for him and he falls apart? Speaking of 11 games… while it does suck that the Patriots lost a playoff slot to an 8-8 team, let’s keep it in a little bit of perspective. The AFC East played the NFC West (combined record: 22-42) and the AFC West (combined record: 23-41) while the AFC West played the AFC East (38-26) and NFC South (40-24), so let’s settle down with calling it a travesty of justice. You can make an argument that this is the scheduling system working out the way it should.

L/W – Raiders +13 over Bucs, 31-24, Raiders +13: One of two collapses/chokes that is getting no press because of the Favre/Jets choke/collapse. Fortunately for Jon Gruden, I guess. It could be time to move on to a quarterback under 35… just sayin.

L/L – Colts +3 over Titans, 23-0, Titans cover: Young! Sorgi! The match-up you demanded.

W/W – Eagles -1.5 over Cowboys, 44-6, Eagles cover: To the reasonable, intellegent Cowboy fan, I’d say to settle down. You went 9-7 in a season where your starting QB couldn’t play 3 games and your primary runningback was gimpy for the last 5 games. Remember that this only Tony Romo’s 2nd season as a full-time starter and it’s a little early to start throwing around the “choker” label. Don’t do to Romo what NY did to Eli Manning and kill him for moderately successful seasons. To the rest of you I say “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! HAHAHAHAA!!!! KARMA SUCKS DON’T IT, BITCHES!”

W/L – Ravens -12 over Jaguars, 27-7: Nothing hugely shocking here. I figured it’d be a blowout. The guess was more about how big the blowout would be.

W/W – Bengals -3 over Chiefs, 16-6, Bengals cover: When your starting quarterback needs Tommy John surgery, your year is a wash. It just is.

L/T – Niners -3 over Redskins, 27-24, Redskins outright: Good game by the Redskins. I look forward to the Redskins new head coach and another year of bleh.

W/W – Cardinals -5 over Seahawks, 34-21, Cardinals cover: The Cardinals game is not the pick of the week next week like I thought it would be.

W/L – Chargers -8.5 over Broncos, 52-21, Broncos +8.5: THIS will be the bet of the week next week. Early line has the Colts/Chargers game as a pick’em. Thanks, Norv, for blowing out the Broncos and moving the spread. The Broncos, by the way, are another team whose epic choke is whitewashed by Favre’s choke. Mike Shanahan will amazingly live to fight another day.

Five Good Spreads
5 points – Jaguars +12 over Ravens – L
4 points – Giants +6.5 over Vikings – W
3 points – Bears +3 over Texans – L
2 points – Eagles -1.5 over Cowboys – W
1 point – Broncos +8.5 over Chargers – L

Final Standings
Straight Up: 10-6 (148-107-1)
Spread: 9-6-1 (134-115-7)
Point Pool: 7/15 (138/255 – .541), Total record (47-37) – Not sure if I like this format. One or two bad weeks crushes you a bit too much. Then again… this was just a bad year across the board for me.

I haven’t mentioned this up through now. The weekend that we were at Atlantis happened to coincide with a Jonas Brothers concert. On the morning of this concert, the crowd at the resort took a distinct turn. Before, it was very much families. All the sudden, it was PACKED with teenage girls. It’s like they just materialized. It honestly made me wonder how many families just decided to come here for the weekend. Suddenly, the steel drum Christmas carols (you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer played on the steel drum) were gone, replaced with Disney pop.

9:00 AM: The first wake-up call. I decide that I don’t really want to go down to the pool for the day so I decide to take this day to sleep in.

11:30 AM: Breakfast sammich number 2. I am delighted to see that it’s not humid or gross today… which is nice as I’m going to have to put on a suit in a couple hours and sit outside.

3:15 PM: The itinerary for the wedding asked us to arrive in the lobby at 3:15 for a half hour of standing around before making our way outside. I don’t really understand the point of this exercise as we pretty much stood around and let everyone who was coming in to the Jonas Brothers concert to stare at the people in suits and dresses. I should have put myself up as a Jonas Brother bodyguard… hindsight.

3:45 PM: The wedding guy (Tavaris, I think) leads the 40-odd guests outside to where the ceremony is going to take place. They moved it from the beach at the last minute due to wind and jetskis.

3:46 PM: Note to self: people at a resort walking from the pool back to the hotel will randomly stand around and watch a wedding.

4:00 PM: The bride comes out (to Pachelbel’s Canon, of course) and we have amassed a crowd of about 200 women standing around the little courtyard where the wedding will take place. Women apparently gravitate toward weddings like a teenager to porn. It’s very strange. I’d like to think everyone was admiring the strides made by the tall, lanky, Asian Christian/short, blonde Jewish wedding. I was kind of surprised to get a recorded version of Pachelbel, considering the groom’s sister plays violin for the Metropolitan Opera House and her husband is the Concertmaster of the same. What this guy charges for lessons per hour must be more than I make in a week. The two of them also had an adorable daughter who was the flower girl and is likely more musically talented then I could ever dream of being.

4:15 PM: Efficient non-denominational ceremony. The I do’s are over and the collected crowd (including people watching from their room’s balconies) applaud for people they don’t know.

4:18 PM: Three minutes after the I Do’s are over, the Jonas Brothers appear on one of the water slides and suddenly the people watching the wedding lose interest as suddenly the ambient noise turns in to Saved By The Bell kiss. Live teenage girl screeching is really insanely more annoying live than over MTV. And, I must say, I don’t get it. Like, the dude’s aren’t even really that good looking. I understood the whole Beatles thing… I understood the ‘NSync thing… I don’t understand this. Regardless, it was nice of the resort to hold off the appearance until after the wedding was finished — especially considering the two things happened so close together. At least, I’d like to think it was scheduled on purpose.

4:25 PM: The appearance has pulled everyone away from the fountain they wanted to take pictures in front of. Well played, Atlantis.

5:00 PM: Cocktail hour — Ms. L forces me to say “Bahama Mama” with a straight face… for the first of many times this evening. I’ve never even had the drink and now I hate it.

6:15 PM: We move to the reception (also outside). I’m happy to see that our racial harmony wedding is properly segregated in to a table of Koreans, two tables of Jewish folk, and two tables of accountants. If anyone wants to take the “four tables of Jewish folk” lay-up, feel free.

7:00 PM: We FINALLY get some actual Bahamian food as one of the buffet options for the receptions. Rice and peas, conch fritters, and seafood dishes that I don’t even know what they were. Glorious.

9:30 PM: The reception is over and we’re officially 30 minutes past the bride’s standard bedtime… but we decide to get a little crazy and go to the casino. And folks, I haven’t seen this much whored-up jailbait since [redacted]. Much like inter-species erotica, I was horrified but couldn’t look away. I decided that I never, ever want daughters. Ever.

10:00 PM: The girls decide it’s time for bed. The guys are staying down here for a night of blackjack. The smallest minimum is quarters and I really don’t feel ready to invest $300 in blackjack after an open bar wedding reception (I know your tricks, casino folk) so I call it a night. Literally the quickest post-wedding party in the history of the universe.

11:45 PM: Kanye West gets his own set and stage on SNL? Lorne, I’m disappointed in you. Good thing he got them to set up a whole absurd stage and was out of tune for the whole thing. Well played.

4:30 AM: I wake up to a fight going on in the room next door. You know how you watch shows like Maury Povich and Jerry Springer and convince yourself that all those people are actors and this stuff doesn’t happen in real life? Well, it does. It happens in hotel rooms at 5 in the morning when 3 drunk people scream at each other. Some highlights follow — in mild southern accents at the top of their voices, of course. None of these are made up.

Male: Y’all don’t even know that she got an abortion while we were engaged, did’ja?

–

Female: Don’t you dare call her those kind of names. If mah husband called me a skank he’d wake up stabbed.

–

CRASH
Female 1: Oh great, why do you have to trash things like this all the time when you’re drunk.
Male: You’d f*ck every guy in this hotel, but not me?
Female 2: I’m sleeping in here, too.
Male: F*ck you, too.

–

Male: I understand why we can’t f*ck here tonight but you could give me some kind of touchin’ or lovin’ up.

–

Female 1: We had such a good time all night, why do you have to always get too drunk and ruin it.
Female 2: It’s not all the time.
Male: Because I hate her. That’s why.
Female 1: Then you shouldn’t have asked her to marry you!

Ms. L, God bless her, didn’t even wake up during this whole thing… which went on from about 4:30 to 5:15 before it spilled out in to the hallway and someone finally called security. You may ask why I didn’t call security… and that would be because I went out on the balcony so I could hear it better. It was among the funniest things I’ve ever experienced live. It was like a live Springer show. When I walked by their room the next (Sunday) morning, their bill was sitting under the door. I really wanted to grab it and look up their names so I could find them on Myspace but, alas, I didn’t.

Tomorrow – Sunday Ticket!

Miami Dolphins +3 at New York Jets: From possible 1-seed to this. The Jets play this game at 4:15 after knowing if the Patriots have taken the division or not. And the New York papers, as usual, have been bored out of their minds this week — to the point where they’re suggesting Jet fans go to the stadium to root for Chad Pennington and against the Jets in order to get Eric Mangini fired. Mind you, Jets fans couldn’t get Pennington out of town quickly enough and signed his ticket. Mind you, Pennington’s arm strength is what it is because he came back from injury too soon and “heroically” played through a bad rotator cuff. That’s what blew out his shoulder and that’s what killed his arms. He’s the poster child for why athletes should never do that. The fans don’t care the next season. Now, Chad gets to come back to this stadium and fan base that gave him nothing but grief and ran him out of town for Kellen Clemens and Brett Favre? And he can end their season? This rates about a 15 on Simmons’s Vengeance Scale. On top of that, Pennington generally doesn’t play well in inclement weather — unfortunately it’s supposed to be in the 50s this Sunday in the Meadowlands. The lesson here, as always, is that God hates the Jets. Dolphins outright.

St. Louis Rams +14.5 at Atlanta Falcons: As soon as this game is in grasp, the starters will go out. That isn’t a recipe for a 3-score cover. Rams +14.5

Chicago Bears +3 at Houston Texans: Can you win a game as exciting as last week’s Bears/Packers game, have four teams that you need to lose actually lose, and THEN drop next week’s game making all that destiny stuff meaningless? I don’t think so. Bears outright.

Detroit Lions +11 at Packers: I have to assume the Lions at least make a game out of it, right? Lions +11.

New York Giants +6.5 at Minnesota Vikings: I understand most of the world expects the Giants to lay down this game. I just don’t expect them to. Most of the team credits last year’s Super Bowl win with playing the Patriots hard in Week 17 and not laying down. Most of the guys in the Parcells’ tree don’t believe in playing half-speed. I expect Jacobs to rest, but the Giants have owned the Vikings in the last decade. Giants outright.

Carolina Panthers -3 at New Orleans Saints: Tough game to call here. The Saints are going to play to get 400 yards passing for Drew Brees. The Panthers are playing for the 2-seed. A loss here with a Bucs Falcons win knocks Carolina all the way down to the 5-seed. Take the over. Saints outright.

Cleveland Browns +10 at Pittsburgh Steelers: Again, Steelers are playing for the bye-week, but as soon as the game is in hand, everyone will be out. Not a recipe for big points. Browns +10

New England Patriots -6.5 at Buffalo Bills: This idea that the Patriots are going to walk in to Buffalo and just trounce the Bills is kind of stupid. Has it been the stellar play against the Raiders and Niners that has convinced everyone that Pats are the Pats of last year? They’re not. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Bills won this game outright. Bills +6.5

Oakland Raiders +13 at Tampa Bay Bucs: I’m assuming the Bucs will be able to put some pressure on at home. Raiders +13

Tennessee Titans -3 at Indianapolis Colts: Titans have everything clinched and the Colts are pretty much locked in to the 5. I wouldn’t be surprised if they just let Madden 08 play the game for them. Titans cover.

Dallas Cowboys +1.5 at Philadelphia Eagles: There’s a couple things going against Dallas here. First, if the Ravens runningbacks did that to Dallas last week, what is Westbrook and Buckhalter going to do. Second, Andy Reid has a mind-numbing tendency to go exclusively to Westbrook in weeks after he gets embarrassed — last week qualifies. Third, I can’t take this team in a big game until they prove they can win one. Fun story, my friend Mike put $100 down with a Cowboys’ fan that they won’t win a playoff game this year. This is a rare case where he can win $100 in this game without losing it. Bonus. Eagles cover.

Jacksonville Jaguars +12 at Baltimore Ravens: Like I said last week, this division always plays each other tough I’m dumb. Jaguars +12

Kansas City Chiefs +3 at Cincinnati Bengals: Meh… Bengals cover.

Seattle Seahawks +5 at Arizona Cardinals: I expect the Cardinals to play this week, I just don’t know if I expect them to bounce back. Cardinals cover.

Washington Redskins +3 at San Francisco 49ers: Pretty sure the Redskins win here and Zorn gets fired anyway. I’d like to thank Dan Snyder for keeping his team in a constant state of flux. Redskins outright.

Denver Broncos +8.5 at San Diego Chargers: I can’t believe this stupid team, after a whole year of being terrible, is still playing for a stupid playoff spot. The Broncos collapse would be the story of the year if not for stupid Favre collapsing on the stupid Jets because, like the Mets, they used to play in stupid Shea Stadium which is apparently getting its revenge on all former residents this year. Broncos +8.5

Five Good Spreads
5 points – Jaguars +12 over Ravens
4 points – Giants +6.5 over Vikings
3 points – Bears +3 over Texans
2 points – Eagles -1.5 over Cowboys
1 point – Broncos +8.5 over Chargers

9:30 AM: If you bet on me going across the street to get bacon, egg, and cheese and a coffee for $4.50 and eating it on the bay, you may collect your bets at the sports book or mail your ticket to the collection office.

10:45 AM: You may notice that I have not yet mentioned going to the pool or beach yet in the Caribbean. This is because they tend to not be my favorite things. However, this place has not one, but TWO lazy rivers. There is something to be said for lazy rivers. Some day, when I am a billionaire, I’m going to install a lazy river in my yard. It will wind around most of my backyard before going in to my large indoor pool… where there will be a poolside cocktail bar. This will double as a luge course in the winter.

11:00 AM: In to the lazy river. I must say, the “new” lazy river was not nearly lazy enough for my liking. The first half was properly lazy. The second half involved fighting your way through people in to get on a conveyor belt to bring you up to the second half. On the second half, there were things like forks and decisions. The decisions brought you to water slides or rapids. I want no rapids on my lazy river. I want lazy. Not decisions.

12:30 PM: A difficult afternoon of laying in a lounge chair starts off with a lunch. A solid Bahamian delicacy — turkey and cheddar cheese in a wrap. Mmm.

4:30 PM: Rinse off the sunblock shower followed by vacation nap #3.

6:00 PM: Ms. L and I go back across the street for some more Americanized Bahamian food. Although, I feel like this dish might actually have been something people here would eat. It was chunks of grouper, conch, and shrimp put in a foil bag with onions and peppers and steamed on the grill. Finally.

9:30 PM: Ben & Jerry’s. Mmm. Nothing says Bahamas like Phish Food.

Tomorrow — The wedding.

W/L – Colts -6.5 over Jaguars, 31-24, Jags +6.5: Solid clock management by Jack Del Rio and David Garrard in the last minute of this game led to an embarrassing sequence that saw them only manage to run two plays in the final 48 seconds of the game. And, somehow, they end up losing the game by the Indianapolis defensive line getting through and sacking Garrard. Just… wow.

W/W – Ravens +5.5 over Cowboys, 33-24, Ravens outright: The Cowboys march down the field and score and the defense immediately gives up 70-yard run to set the team down 9. Romo and the offense fight back down the field to score another touchdown and the defense immediately gives up an 80-yard run to knock the team back down again. The first run made my night. The second run made my year. I desperately wanted to eulogize the Cowboys in this space today but, alas, it will have to wait.

L/L – Titans -1 over Steelers, 31-14, Steelers cover: The Titans convinced me in this game that they were more than a paper tiger and that they deserve some respect. They manned up at home and ensured they don’t need to win a big game on the road. Good showing by them and a disconcerting show from the team who everyone seems to be convinced is the AFC representative.

L/L – Saints -6.5 over Lions, 42-7, Lions outright: Nope. I was wrong.

W/W – Dolphins -4 over Chiefs, 38-31, Dolphins cover: Heck of a fourth quarter by Pennington and the Dolphins. If Jets fans have anything positive to take from this week, it’s that Pennington would have been a disaster in the snow in Seattle, too.

W/W – Patriots -8 over Cardinals, 47-7, Patriots cover: What’s the minimum amount of money you’d bet against the Cardinals finally playing a meaningful game after taking four straight weeks off? At least $200, right?

L/W – Niners -5.5 over Rams, 17-16, Rams outright: Meh.

L/W – Chargers +3.5 over Bucs, 41-24, Chargers +3.5: Unbelievable. This team is like a horror movie monster. One game… the Broncos needed to win one game. Apparently Phil Rivers wants his shot to be the third quarterback out of his class to do the 6-seed, three straight games on the road Super Bowl win.

L/L – Bengals +3 over Browns, 14-0, Browns cover: I guess the players don’t like Romeo as much as they say.

L/W – Seahawks +5 over Jets, 13-3, Seahawks +5: This game begs the question as to whether or not the Jets will even want Favre back next season. In Favre’s defense, after playing an awful game he did make a couple of throws on the money dropped by the offense… but it doesn’t forgive two direct interceptions. It’s one thing for a team to just be perennially bad. It’s another thing for a team, like the Jets, to be perennial c*ckteases. Three weeks ago, we were discussing the Jets as a Super Bowl candidate… now they need the Patriots to drop a must-win game along with Chad Pennington melting down in a game that probably rates about 15 on Bill Simmons’s Vengeance Scale. From arguable 1-seed to out of the playoffs in 3 weeks. New York Jets football.

L/L – Raiders +7 over Texans, 27-16, Texans cover: Or the Texans are going to wind up putting together a mediocre 8-8 season and being 3 games out of the playoffs.

L/L – Bills +5.5 over Broncos, 30-23, Broncos cover: This stupid Broncos team. For 3 weeks, they needed one win. I hate the Broncos.

W/W – Falcons +3 over Vikings, 24-17, Falcons outright: Big stand on the road by the Falcons. Playing this team in the first round is going to suck for whomever has to.

L/L – Redskins +3.5 over Eagles, 10-3, Eagles cover: I had an actual conversation with my friend Hulse that went somewhere along the lines of: “I think the Redskins have a shot to knock the Eagles out this week.” “What are you stupid?” “I guess.” The lesson: never listen to Hulse when it comes to football picks.

W/W – Giants -3 over Panthers, 34-28, Giants cover: One of the best games I’ve ever seen. Added bonus touchdown in overtime to cover the spread. They thought of everything. If this game proved anything, it’s that a gamebreaking runningback with a good offensive line can let you live with a couple of B-level and C-level receivers. Interesting to see if the Giants bring the A-game against the Vikings next year. I think they will and that will make the Bears fans very happy.

W/W – Bears -4.5 over Packers, 20-17, Packers +4.5: The Bears are a brutal offense to watch. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a team where I’m more confident in them getting a Pick6 than a touchdown pass. Take heart, Bears fans… Tom Coughlin doesn’t believe in weeks off.

Five Good Spreads
5 points – Giants -3 over Panthers – W
4 points – Browns -3 over Bengals – L
3 points – Patriots -8 over Cardinals – W
2 points – Dolphins -4 over Chiefs – W
1 point – Ravens +5 over Cowboys – W

Standings
Straight Up: 7-9 (138-101-1)
Spread: 9-7 (125-109-6)
Point Pool: 11/15 (131/240 – .546)

My interest in Law & Order started waning a few years ago, finally dwindling down to nothing last year as I wound up deleting the entire season without watching an episode. Like the procrastinator I am, I never removed the series recordings so both Law & Order standard and SVU episodes started to pile up this season. Since I’m actually out of TV to watch at the moment over Christmas break, I decided to give Law & Order standard another go around with the new cast.

And, well, it hasn’t changed. The show still annoys me. The season premiere itself was pretty much a paint-by-numbers version of what turned me on the show in the first place. We start with a standard dead body. We find out that this guy was killed in an amateur MMA fight staged in Union Square. There was no crime because the fight was agreed to by both parties.

We had your standard bout of self-righteous “only monsters would enjoy this kind of barbarism” district attorney. Since they couldn’t charge anyone with the murder, the brother of the victim found a group of firemen and the killer found his own group of MMA fans and they had a brawl in East River Park. This, of course, let to a wrongful death or two. Since there was no way to prove which person actually did the killing in the melee, Jack McCoy and the new ADA decided to charge all 20 guys under a terrorism statute. So, since the district attorney’s office couldn’t figure out who actually committed the murder, they were perfectly happy to throw 20 guys in jail for life without parole for fighting. I presume there is a solid sub-section of this country who finds this kind of creative DAing great. I find it terrifying… and it’s really why I can’t watch Law & Order anymore. I was right the first time.

Although, one quick positive. I do really like the new cop team of Jeremy Sisto and Anthony Anderson. It’s nice to see Anderson get something other than large, sassy, black man… and Sisto’s level of disgust with McCoy’s railroading of 20 guys was very appropriate.

9:15 AM: Ms. L kicks on the coffee maker and does her official vacation trick of opening the curtains as wide as they’ll go and turning the TV on. This is her way to forcefully ask me to get up after gently asking me to get up doesn’t work.

9:30 AM: We make the decision to try and get off the resort. We walk out the front door and down the sidewalk. After a brisk 15-minute walk we end up……. back at the resort. It’s like the Lost Woods in a Zelda game.

10:00 AM: Authentic Bahamian breakfast: Jamba Juice and an egg sandwich. It occurs to me that some folk might think Jamba is an authentic Bahamian chain and it makes me giggle. Breakfast for two, 2 smoothies, a bagel with a sealed cup of generic cream cheese, and a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. $24.96. I thought this was completely absurd until the two girls we traveled with gave us their breakfast menu. Two bottles of water, two coffees, and two danishes — $40.

10:45 AM: We wander around the marina village and notice traffic coming from down a small alley next to Johnny Rockets. WE’VE FOUND THE SECRET EXIT OFF THE RESORT!!!

11:00 AM: We find a small shopping plaza off the resort. The standard foreign crap store selling T-shirts 3 for $10! A liquor store selling fifths of rum for $2! A grocery store selling gallons of water for $1.95!! A restaurant!! A beer store that has $1.75 bottle beer! It wouldn’t occur to me until just now that I was pumped for what translated to $10 for a six pack.

11:15 AM: We end up talking to the cashier/owner/whatever of the grocery store. He lets us know that there used to be quite a few local eateries and such until the resort bought it all and knocked it all down to build more resort. Of course there was. Who wants a local eatery when you can fit a Starbucks?

11:30 AM: I buy a bunch of different Bahamian beers and lock up a month’s worth of beer snob columns.

12:45 PM: After dropping off our contraband groceries and alcohol we head back off the resort to walk along the bay. We find a place selling $1.75 beef patties. Sweet nectar, finally.

12:46 PM: Delicious, life giving beef patties. This place also offers egg and cheese sandwiches for a coffee for $4.50. If you had a chance to bet on me not spending $30 for breakfast on the resort and walking out here and eating on the bay, you’d probably win.

2:00 PM: Vacation nap #2!!

6:30 PM: We found one restaurant off the resort called Anthony’s Bar and Grill. We decide to try it out. I get what I assume is an Americanized version of conch since it’s deep fried and served with french fries. I don’t know how much I liked conch. The texture was more rubbery than other deep fried seafood. I couldn’t really lock down the taste since it pretty much tasted like deep fried.

7:45 PM: On the walk back to the resort, the girls decide it’s time to shop. You know what that means?

8:05 PM: Sports book! I go a solid 1-0-1 on my first day hitting Celtics -11 over the Wizards (I’ve never bet on basketball before… I just did it because I was there) and pushing Saints +3 over the Bears. In an odd twist, I ended up sitting near Troy Evans’s brother who was about the only guy in the place, other than a few temporary fans, rooting for the Saints. This was really the first money I’ve put on a game with someone other than friends… and goddam does it make watching a football game you don’t care about fun.

To review the sports book — it’s really kinda terrible. One hi-def wide-screen television in the middle of 10 other televisions. The hi-def feed displays the standard definition feed of the game. You’re telling me this place has a $140M aquarium around the resort and they can’t pop for the hi-def feed of Sunday Ticket? Really? The second, less forgivable complaint. It took until halfway through the third quarter for a cocktail waitress (who may have been a cocktail waiter, I’m still not sure) to make a lap through the book. I’ve never been to a resort/casino/whatever that made it so hard to take my money for alcohol. If you’re going to charge me $7.48 for a bottle of Miller Lite, it would be nice if I didn’t have to get up and get it at halftime. I also had to pay for the beer up front when I ordered it from the cocktail waitress… I’ve never seen that anywhere else, ever.

As for the game — I completely understand now how watching games with money on them turn you in to a raving maniac… and also how you start to believe that bookies run the NFL. I sat there and watched two different plays on which a defensive back got away with raping a receiver with no flag being thrown. Then, in overtime, a joke of a bump on Devin Hester was called defensive pass interference, putting the Bears on the Saints’ 15 for the game-winning field goal. Absurdity.

Tomorrow – I finally hit the pool

Who decided that sticking Deion Sanders and Marshal Faulk in the booth with Bob Papa was a good idea? Good God.

Update: Marshal Faulk is pretty good. Deion not so much.

Sands Bahamian Beer
Brewed By: Bahamian Brewery & Beverage
Brewed In: Freeport, Bahamas
ABV: ?

What They Say: Nothing. No website, nothing on the bottle, just plain nothing. They do mention that it’s brewed with world famous Bahamian spring water.

Website: As mentioned: nothing I can find. Apparently it’s new-ish.

Why I Picked It: It was one of two beers in the beer store that boasted being brewed in the Bahamas.

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Presentation (5): The logo is a guy rowing a boat. It’s a clear bottle with silver foil wrapping. And a Caribbean beer name “Sands”? You have to appreciate that. 3

Originality (5): It’s a beer brewed in the Caribbean claiming to be brewed with spring water with a hint of citrus. It’s not exactly setting the world on fire. 1

Taste (10): There is something to be said for beer that uses a spring instead of a municipal source. The beer says it uses the Bahamas’ “world famous spring water”. Whether or not it does, the beer does have a crisp, fresh taste with a hint of citrus. It reminds me of a Corona with a lemon in it instead of a lime. There is nary a hop flavor to be found anywhere in this which, honestly, is pretty much OK with me. 7

Body (10): If you’ve had one poundable lager, you’ve had them all. I will say the spring water also seems to affect the body. It goes down smoother than it has any business too. Again, this could totally be a subliminal thing, but I can only call it like I see it. 6

Efficiency (10): Tough to call without an ABV, but it’s a beer you could pound with abandon. Since it seems like it’s designed to be a completely poundable spring break beer, we’ll estimate it at 5.0. The random grocery store charged $1.75/bottle. Since the measurement was in millilitres, I don’t know if I’m getting ripped off or not and I’m American so I refuse to convert. For me, that sickly sweetness that hangs out in Corona and other crappy tropical beers kills the efficiency for me. I just can’t drink them as quickly as I can crappy American beers. 6

Versatility (10): The citrusness would get old after a while, which is one of the few negative hits on its versatility. It’s obviously designed to be consumed quickly and is gentle enough even for the girliest of girls. Since it’s also an import, you could bring it somewhere to impress the snobs. 7

Final Grade: 30 (of 50) – OK beer.