TDL’s Sports, Wrestling, & Otherwise

I wrote this for Inside Pulse last season. If anyone is trying to catch up. I’ll run season 2 on Monday and Season 3 before next Thursday

Originally Posted to Inside Pulse: October 2nd, 2006.

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I got on the Lost bandwagon late into the game. Well, that’s not entirely true. When I first started seeing promos for Lost in 2004, I was ready for it. I couldn’t wait. I was ready to jump on board right from the beginning.

Then I missed the first episode… and forgot to tape it. I hadn’t yet discovered the wonderful world of DVRs (TiVo, to use the trendy lingo).

Since I wasn’t really proficient with bit-torrent at the time, I never caught up and I never got on board. I knew Lost was the kind of show I would have to catch from the beginning and I’m a little OCD when it comes to my television shows. I didn’t want to watch it from the middle and I knew trying to catch up in re-runs would be hit or miss, so I wrote it off.

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I have an ongoing hate/hate relationship with Moonlight. I hate it because it’s a sci-fi/vampire show which means I can’t bring myself to delete it from the DVR. I also hate it because, since it’s on my DVR I have to watch it. I hate it again because it’s a shameless rip-off of Angel and doesn’t really pretend to be otherwise. And I hate it a fourth time because the show’s ongoing plots are dumb to the point of brain-melting.

I laid a lot of criticism on it in the original review and I wasn’t that much kinder to it in the Mid-Season Checkup. I made reference to bad storylines, bad writing, characters that weren’t really that interesting, storylines that made no sense, and other such nonsense. In fairness, I wanted to give it the whole season to get into a groove and start moving through the plot points and such. With the strike-shortened season now finished, I’m much more comfortable in my initial criticisms of the show. By setting the show as a vampire-PI-in-LA show, it screams to be compared to Angel by the sci-fi crowd and comes up very short. For any flaws you can point out in either Buffy or Angel one thing always remained consistent: the storylines made sense in the context of the universe. Characters had very clearly defined motivations and, even if they were annoying, you could usually understand the reason they were annoying.

Setting aside the actors for a moment, let’s start with the writing. Mick St. John is the lead vampire character in Moonlight. He was turned in the 1950s so he’s been a vampire for 60ish years. The over-arcing storyline for the first season was him hating what he is and being excited by the possibility of a cure. He hates being a monster. He hates not being like everyone else. He hates that he can’t spend his life with the lead female character Beth because she’s mortal and won’t understand that he’s a monster and she’ll die while he will go on.

The problem with this: no one is really explaining what’s so bad about being a Moonlight-universe vampire. They are relying on the audience believing his assertions that it’s horrible rather than making it, you know, horrible. We’ve met about ten vampires over the season. Mick: who’s a PI and tries to protect humans and help them. Josef: who’s a day-trader and doesn’t kill anyone for fun… in fact, he has women over who volunteer their blood. An Los Angeles County Medical Examiner who has a standard everyday job and sells blood on the side. A computer geek who apparently spends his days hacking into websites and playing Guitar Hero. A college professor who turned someone by mistake and was very sorry he did. Mick’s ex-wife Coraline who was kinda evil in the first episode but who has now repented and become a good guy. Mick’s brother-in-law who is apparently very evil… although he hasn’t really done anything evil yet except force Coraline to return to France with him. And, like, two standard one-episode bad guys.

What can we gather from this? Well, besides the fact that they’ve still never explained exactly why Coraline kidnapped Beth when she was a child, only to reappear 20 years later (unrecognizable to Beth of course because, you know, you probably wouldn’t remember the face of the pretty woman who kidnapped you… oh, and because Beth is an idiot) and be a reformed vampire who wants to help Mick do good… we can pretty much gather that the percentage of good and evil vampires is about the same as the percentage of good and evil humans. Which further implies that a vampire in the Moonlight universe is just about the same person that they were before they were turned and their ongoing experience influence what they want out of undeath. They can be both redeemed and led down dark paths… just like a real boy.

The respective writers used the same “I want to be human” storyline with both Mick and Angel. But: here’s why it works for Angel. We know why Angel wants to be human. The vampires in Joss Whedon’s universe are horribly, unquestionably, disgustingly evil. They are demons. They are what people would be without conscience, guilt, or fear. Take away the angel on a person’s shoulder preventing them from taking whatever they feel like and killing what gets in their way: that’s a Whedonverse vampire. Angelus’s first action as a vampire is to kill his entire family. He did this out of hatred for his father. As a vampire, the fear and respect keeping him in line is gone and that little part of him that hates his father becomes the only part that matters. To punish his father, Angelus kills his entire family. He starting with his pre-teen sister who invites him in thinking him an angel returned from the dead. He saves his father for last so his father will know what has been done to his family before being killed. Every story you get from Angelus’s past involves him massacring, torturing, or brutalizing someone over a 150-year, bloody rampage. He massacres convents. He tortures people for fun. He enjoys killing babies and puppies. He’s a bad dude.

When his soul is returned to his body, the conscience he lost eats at him because of this body count. Eventually he discovers that he can never be happy because, if he experiences a single moment of true happiness, he will lose his soul and become that brutal killer again. He will become the creature that revels in torturing his victims physically and mentally; the creature who killed Jenny Calendar, put her in Giles’s bed, and set up the house as though she was waiting upstairs intent on a romantic evening. Angel is tortured. He wants to return to being human so Angelus is destroyed. He can’t ever be happy. If he falls in love with a mortal, we know WHY he can’t turn them. He can’t turn people into vampires because they become soulless killers with no real hope for redemption.

In the Moonlight universe, the vampires are nothing like that. Really, they’ve never even gave me any indication as to why it’s a bad deal. The vampires in Moonlight’s Los Angeles have formed a tight knit little community. They’re community frowns on murdering humans in the street. All of their feeding is either done via bloodbank or by volunteers. They hold regular jobs. Mick is a private eye who saves people and buys blood from a hospital’s coroner. What exactly is he trying to escape from? What is weighing on his conscience so badly that he needs to escape this torment of being young forever with no fear of disease or death? On the entire run of the show so far he’s killed exactly one human and the writers were very sure to make it so the audience wanted to see him die.

Sorry guys… proof by forceful insistence is not a proof.

Further: If Beth and he love each other so much, why wouldn’t he just turn her? In one episode they explicitly state that it’s the responsibility of a sire to take the new vampire under his wing and teach them the ways of the world. The new vampire comes into the world feral with no idea what’s going on… but the sire is supposed to teach them how to live in this world. The premise that he wouldn’t just turn Beth and teach her how to be a productive member of vampire society was so ridiculous that they had to create an entire episode about how Mick’s friend Josef tried to sire the love of his life to be with her forever but “something went wrong and she’s been a vampire in a coma for 50 years.” So she’s a vampire… a magical being who can not be felled by anything short of decapitation or fire… but she’s subject to a coma? And he has absolutely no idea what he did wrong? She’s the first and only vampire he’s ever sired? I’m calling it the most ridiculous concept in a show about undead creatures… and that’s saying something.

Then there’s Coraline, who has gone from hopelessly evil vampire who kidnapped a child to feed on, to burned to death, to missing for 20 years, to human, to vampire who is from the royal bloodline of Louis XIV. Not only that, but her family discovered an organic compound that allows a vampire to be human for short periods of time. But her brother is upset she stole it and brought it to the states. But….. why? Did they lose the recipe? Have they been living off the same stash of it for 400 years? It doesn’t make any sense.

One thing they have been very consistent about in Moonlight is that vampires in their universe have the ability to make their own decisions. They are not soulless killers. They do not (necessarily) think of human beings as cattle. They do not murder without remorse. They feel the same emotions as everyone else. In fact, no one’s really mentioned why vampires don’t just turn all their friends into vampires. They also don’t really mention why, in the Moonlight universe, that anyone wouldn’t WANT to be a vampire. Mick complains… a lot… but I can’t be the only person who is constantly wondering what the big deal is. He’s not evil. He helps people. He has a soul. Short of being burned to death or decapitated he can’t die. What is the downside of being a superhero? He can’t have a relationship? Why? Can you give me a reason why turning Beth would be such a bad thing? Is it because of the completely unsatisfying answer you gave to me when Josef killed-but-didn’t-kill his one true love?

I know that the show has won awards and was renewed for a second season. Maybe the gaping plot holes aren’t that bad to other people… maybe I’m not being fair and I need to let it play out before passing judgement on it. But until they give me some indication as to what reason a vampire in this universe has to be angsty, it’s really got nothing for me. So far, the only way it’s separated itself from Angel is by being vastly inferior with worse writing, a confused, plot-hole filled mythology, and semi-good to bad acting.

Figure out your universe and give me some logic, guys. It’s not that hard.

After about two years of insisting that I really didn’t want a party for the celebration of my 30th birthday… and especially not a surprise party… Ms. L went ahead and did it anyway. I was set up about as perfectly as someone can be set up. If you ever wonder if 30 or 40 people can keep a secret, the answer is yes.

After convincing me she didn’t want to “travel to Albany” by herself for the weekend, she convinced me to take the trip, too. Her sister’s birthday was conveniently placed six days before mine so she had a perfect excuse. A couple of days after I discovered the trip, I happened to mention it to a friend of mine who happened to “mention” that there was a beer pong tournament at the place that was my local bar before I moved to Manhattan. I managed to contribute to their planning by scheduling a lunch with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a couple of years lowering the risk I would drive past the bar.

After lunch I came to my townhouse for a solid nap before a night of beer pong. My buddy showed up and we did a few pre-game shots, just like any other tourney. He then drove me to the bar, where I proceeded to not put together that there were a ton of cars outside the bar, yet no one actually IN the bar. He said the tournament was in the back room.

There was not a tournament in the back room. In fact, when the door opened the exact thought process was: Why is Pam’s sister here… why is my friend’s mom here… why is my dad at a Beirut Tourn…… ahfack.

Apparently when I’m surprised, face actually turns purple and I start sweating like a fat man eating a pile of atomic wings. It wasn’t pretty. I then proceeded to offer my slick, slippery hand to practically ever friend I’ve made in the last ten years. It was actually kind of filthy and I apologize profusely to those dripped on.

The turnout was great. The people were great. The gifts were great. Anyone who was there who reads this, thank you. I had a great time and that was even before we discovered that the bar was hosting kareoke from 9-1. There’s nothing quite like a group of lathered-up, tone-deaf* white people to really make the night go in a new direction.

Again, thanks everyone. It was fantastic.

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* Ms. L, Junior Ms. L, and The Big Show are, in fact, not tone-deaf. That is more than I can say for the other 40 or so people who tried their luck behind the microphone.

Ah, the summer of 2004. I still lived upstate. Cable was free because of my roommate’s job with Time Warner. My mortgage was 1/5th of my current rent. I had a deck, a yard, a savings account, and a car.

And Lost had not yet made Sci-Fi on television cool.

When The 4400 was announced on USA, I really didn’t think much of it. The premise didn’t really interest me. In fact, I didn’t even really know the plot hook until part-way through the third season and no one had actually mentioned whether or not it was any good until a bit after that. When I recently discovered that the last season was the final season, I decided now was as good a time as any to watch it.

The Plot Hook: In 2004, 4400 people who have disappeared from the world over the last 60 years re-appear, having not aged a day, in Seattle. These people include a little girl who disappeared in the 1940s, a Korean War soldier from the 1950s, and various people from the 90s and 00s. They are returned with powers. The aforementioned little girl can see the future. An old man has the power of telekinesis. Steve Brady becomes a ninja. As we find out over the course of the season, these people were not selected for no reason. There was a purpose to who was taken, why they were changed, and when they were returned. This is the story told over the six-episode arc of season one.

The Good

- The show handles the reaction to these mysterious returnees very well. The reporting of the 24-hour news cycle filling hours and hours of stories of these returning people. The government illegally detaining these people. The ACLU filing for the release of the citizens. People trying to re-integrate into a society that really doesn’t want them. And then the sudden dawning on society that these people may not have come back completely normal.

- The character Jordan Collier is amazing. A rich man whose motivations are very uncertain after the first season he becomes the “face” on the 4400. He appears on the 4400 version of the O’Reilly/Greta/Nancy Grace/Wolf Blitzer show in the 4400-verse. He buys a gated community for every 4400 resident who wishes to live there. He’s rich, intelligent, and persuasive… everything a burgeoning cult leader should be. I don’t know where the guy is going to go over the next few seasons, but I know he’s going to be an important figure.

The Bad

- The ancestors of the show’s characters are obvious. The skeptic female scientist and the believer lead investigator tracking unexplained phenomena while working for the FBI Homeland Security had been done previously… and very well before collapsing under the weight of too many conspiracies. Although, by watching this show, you can certainly see the original inspiration for Heroes.

- They spend a lot of time making you hate just about every person on the show that isn’t either a 4400 member or a government employee. The families of most of the characters are two-dimensionally mean. One of the returnees returns to her husband’s house to see her her now 12 year old daughter (who was six-months old) to find her husband remarried and a daughter who was never told her current mother wasn’t her biological mother. Instead of allowing the returnee to get to know her daughter, he immediately files a restraining order and has her arrested. A man who was the partner at an insurance firm returns to find that his interest in a firm with his name on the letterhead is gone and the man who now runs the company won’t even give him a job. A brother treats his other brother like a freak. It’s very heavy-handed and, to a point, unbelievable.

- The plot gets a little heavy-handed at times… but I’ll forgive them because their first season was a run of six-episodes. They had a lot to communicate in six hours.

- Do we really need more “creepy little girl who can see the future” or “mystery baby might be the new messiah” plotlines? Haven’t these been done to death elsewhere?

- With the xenophobia of the 21st century likely well-documented by X years in the future, it isn’t really outlined why kidnapping people and grandly reinserting them into the timeline in 2004 is more effective than kidnapping someone, modifying them, and reinserting them into the timeline before anyone realizes they’re gone. Why is a girl from the 1940s more effectively creepy and omniscient than a girl from 2004?

The Verdict

I’m not in love with this show and am kind of surprised it made it through four whole seasons. I am, however, sufficiently curious to see where it’s going… and the idea of it being a closed world now (since it’s been cancelled) actually makes me more likely to grab the 2nd season somewhere along the line.

To this point, I give it a resounding “meh.”

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the role of 24 will be being played by The Terminator.

The Good

- As sci-fi shows go, this is the best of all worlds. You’re coming in with a established mythology tweaked to fit into a new timeline. The rules of this universe are already well established. This system seems to work out well for these type of shows. It’s kept Smallville on for like seven years.

- It has a chance to find an audience because of the lack of any other valid options. It’s got Monday to itself. Between that and the fact its got a built-in fanbase, it’s going to do pretty well.

- I’ll put this under good for now. The Terminator Goes To High School is kind of amusing. My one problem with her thus far: how is it in the first episode she could pull of human enough to fool John Conner… possibly the only guy in the world who would likely recognize her for what she is… however two episodes later they’re back in high school and she’s strange and can’t figure out how to act.

The Bad

- In the very first episode, they use the gaping Terminator plot-hole that everyone notices but the powers that be refuse to close. The evil terminator has Sarah Connor in his clutches, can kill her, but refuses to because he can use her. Then, he calls John and uses her voice. If any of the Terminators actually used this power as they should, the movies would have ended in like four seconds.

- Except for Summer Glau, the acting in the pilot was really, really bad. They were not convincing at all. In fairness, it got better in the later episodes.

- There is going to be a really creepy sub-plot with guy on robot love.

- Terminators are incredibly good movie monsters, but I don’t know if they make really good episodic television monsters. If you think about what it takes to kill a terminator — well-established in movie lore — think about having to kill them on a weekly basis. Arnold had to be crushed in a hydraulic press and melted in lava. Robert Patrick had to be melted in lava. The T-X was blown up by a mini Hydrogen bomb. Killing Terminators isn’t easy. How many Terminators can you possibly throw at two people before it’s just completely absurd that they’re still alive? I understand that giving them their own pet terminator helps, but I feel like this show is going to suffer from lack of action. I will be shocked if they can avoid the pattern of “introduce big bad terminator, confront, hide, hide, hide, confront, hide, destroy.”

The Verdict

I like it for now. As I said above, it’s a type of show that lends itself to becoming a television show. It has a deep but loosely defined mythology that can be exploited and there is one over-arcing goal that they can put off for as long as they can come up with storylines. The only problem is that, right now, they’re on a time-clock. Skynet is brought online in 2011… which would lead one to believe that the fourth season will be quite an adventure. On the other hand… what do they do after that?

They have me wanting to know more about Cameron, which is good. There are a lot of disparate storylines. There is the random “painting things on the wall of the high school to drive a girl to suicide”. There is the over-arcing “the Terminator that they blew up in the bank is now looking for them”. There is “why is Cameron eating food”. There is “guy they left in 1997 who John went to visit and now knows they’re back”.

In all, enough to keep me watching.

If there is anything that I will concede to the NFL it’s that they have the most exciting playoffs. In the NBA and the NHL, more than half the teams (16 of 30 each) make the playoffs. If you have a good team in the NBA, they’re probably going to be good next year. If you have a mediocre team in the NBA, they’re probably going to make the playoffs next year. Every now and again, a team pulls off a Super Trade (like the Celtics this season) or a superstar leaves a team (like Shaq leaving LA) and the boat gets rocked, but usually the status quo is maintained. The good teams stay good, the bad teams (because of the stupid lottery system) usually stay bad.

In the NFL, it’s different. Because of the hard cap, teams go through huge upheavals every season. Good, established veterans are replaced with draft picks who may or may not work out. Huge investments are made on unproven rookie quarterbacks — usually to the detriment of the team. Only 12 of the NFL’s 32 teams make the playoffs. When your team makes it, it’s huge… primarily because the fan has no idea when that huge injury is going to ruin your season. You have no idea when your franchise player is just going to suddenly get old and lose it. You have no idea when a random injury to a left tackle is going to cause your quarterback to fear for his life.

So, when you get into the NFC Championship game… off a season where everyone “in the know” told you your team was going to go 7-9 if they were lucky… your shoulder develops a bit of a chip. The chip gets a little bigger when your 38-35 loss to the undisputed best team in the league gets written off as “they still choked down the stretch.” It gets a little bigger when the team is considered an underdog to a 40-year old quarterback’s team who went 9-7 in a crappy division. It grows a whole lot bigger when you knock off the #1 seed at home and the their coach said “the better team lost.” It grows way more when the entirity of the other NFC Championship Team’s fanbase, and most of the national media, says your team doesn’t have a chance because “it’s gonna be cold.”

When your reporting skills come down to a weather report, and you completely ignore the rest of it… might it be time to find a new line of work?

It’s gonna be cold and that’s going to affect the Giants more than the Packers? Really? I suppose all the grizzled, wily veterans on the Green Bay staff are much more used to playing in sub-zero temperatures? You know, all those vaunted rookies and young studs on the Green Bay offense who’ve played a ton of January games on the Frozen Tundra. The game they played last weekend was a joke. Seattle wanted no part of that snow. This week, they are facing a hungry Giant team with a good running game who aren’t going to back down because of the weather. Not only that, save for Brett Favre… NO ONE ON THE FIELD HAS PLAYED IN THOSE CONDITIONS BEFORE.

And, lest we forget, we are still talking about Brett Favre who, as good as he is, has a terrible tendency to throw horrible passes off his back foot into triple coverage when he’s trying to force plays.

The Giants are being written off in this game… and I’m sure that suits them just fine. No one believed in them last week either.

San Diego +14 at New England 46pts: This game could go very, very badly for New England. Assuming LDT plays, the old troopers in the New England linebacker core have to be getting tired. In week 2, they held LDT to 43 yards in a 38-14 blowout. Now, their linebackers are banged up and playing their 18th game. Not that I’m looking for a reason to pick the Chargers. The problem with the Chargers is that they just can’t keep their fool mouths shut. Last season, after an embarrassing loss at home, the whole team had a lot to say… including LDT’s comments about the Patriots being a team of classless players for mocking Pillar of Fair Play Shawn Merriman’s celebratory dance. But, much the same as I said last week, the Patriots don’t really blow teams out in the playoffs. They play close to the vest and don’t make mistakes. If Rivers doesn’t throw a ton of interceptions and LDT manages to hold on to the ball, the Patriots take this game by 7 or 10. This spread is 14 points because it can be… no other reason. San Diego + 14, Over 46.5, 27-20.

New York +8 at Green Bay 40.5pts: See above. The weather is not going to affect the Giants any more or less than it’s going to affect the Packers. The only guy whose played a bitter cold game at Lambeau Field is Brett Favre. The rest of them played a cold snow game last week… 31F and snowy is not remotely the same as bitter, -20F Wind Chill. The Giants, right now, have a better platoon of running backs than the Packers. That’s huge in a game like this. The Giants pass rush, if it gets to Favre, is going to throw him off his rhythm. When he’s off his rhythm, he makes desperate plays. The Giants can win this. Giants outright. Under 40.5. 20-17.

As I may have mentioned, I called the 10-win Giant season way back in August. However, in my wildest dreams, I didn’t figure them for any better than one and done in the playoffs. Then, the Giants went and played one of the best losses I’ve ever seen by bringing the entire roster into a meaningless game in Week 17. They were playing with house money. No one expected them to win. They had nothing to gain. The five-seed was locked up. Then they jumped out to a lead and were playing well. The starters voted to stay in the game for the 2nd half. For the first time in the last few years, the Giants weren’t trying to coast through a game. They weren’t acting like someone owed them something. And, regardless of how dismissive smug, national Boston guys can be, I challenge anyone to tell me that they were absolutely certain the Patriots were going to come out on top that game.

Then, the Giants go down to Tampa, riding a 7-1 road record on the season. They go into Tampa as the underdogs and grab a victory. This sets up a football game that made me both terrified and giddy. A divisional match-up against a team that always kills the Giants in big spots. When they told me that the Giants and Cowboys had never played each other in a playoff game, I felt like that was impossible. It always seemed like the Cowboys killed us when it mattered. Now, we had a chance to make all those other games meaningless. Much like Kenny Rogers showing up for Detroit in 2006, the Giants had a chance to erase 20 years of Dallas domination. They had a chance to knock off America’s team.

Not only did they have a chance. They had a pretty goddam good chance.

The Giants were playing a team that had been dealing with a host of press problems in the last few weeks. They were dealing with a quarterback who was coming off one of the biggest chokes possible. They were dealing with a coach who has never won a playoff game. Most of all, they were dealing with a team who hasn’t shown up for the playoffs in over a decade and an owner, for all his marketing genius, isn’t really that smart.

Jerry Jones put two NFC Championship game tickets in each of his players lockers before the game. On top of all the other stuff we previously mentioned, Jerry Jones planned the parade before the team won.

I went into the game excited. I spent the first three quarters incredibly happy, and the fourth quarter feeling like I was about to vomit up most of the Chinese food I had for dinner. The Giants, as is their habit, showed their chronic inability to put teams away. Tom Coughlin gets frighteningly conservative at the end of the game. In fact, the Giants had 2 complete drives in the fourth quarter. The first was run-run-run-punt. The second was run-run-sack-punt. They didn’t eat any time and gave Dallas a final shot at the end zone.

I watched the final two plays of the game feeling like I was going to puke and pass out at the same time. With awful, terrible, heart-wrenching Game 7 memories trying to fight their way up, I nearly couldn’t watch them. I’ve seen this movie before. Dallas is down by 4 at the end of the game and throws a 3rd down pass for a touchdown and leaves the Giants 10 seconds to throw a hail mary. Romo throws a perfect pass into the corner of the end zone. The game is over.

But Crayton didn’t run his route out.

….

The Cowboys made a mistake? It worked for the Giants? What? This doesn’t happen. Someone rewrote the script!!!

I waited for fourth down, head spinning. I’ve only passed out one time (after giving blood) and this is kind of what it felt like. My head was swimming, my breathing was shallow… my ears may have been bleeding… I’m not really sure. I was watching the game with a friend and we discussed not watching the last play… just letting Joe Buck tell me what happened. Then decided that we couldn’t listen to filthy Troy Aikman’s voice talk about it in celebratory glee. If the catch was made, we’d just snap off the TV and do a shot. It was decided.

Fourth down. Romo throws into triple coverage. Intercepted!!! Ball Game Over!!! I live in a rather large apartment building in New York City and there were cheers coming from out in my hallway. Hi-fives! Shots anyway!

I now have some inkling of how the Red Sox fans felt after knocking off the Yankees. They beat their most hated rivals on the biggest stage possible. I’ve never felt better. It’s one of those moments where you can almost admit that you invest just a little too much stock in sports. Sports shouldn’t have the ability to make one physically ill.

But on the other hand… goddam it’s fun.

See you in Green Bay, bitches.

Seahawks +7.5 at Packers; Lambeau in January. Packers cover.

Jaguars +13.5 at Patriots: The Pats don’t blow teams out in the playoffs. They play close to the vest, time eating football and usually do just enough to win. As such, double digit points for the underdog is usually a good pick. Jags +13.5

Chargers +8 at Colts: Norv Turner vs the Colts after a week off. LDT will be classily sulking by the 2nd half and Tiki-ing his QB. Nuff Said. Colts cover.

Giants +7.5 at Cowboys. Can’t pick against my boys. I’m somewhat concerned about the gathering crowd on the Giant Bandwagon. It’s getting full in here. However, people seem to forget that Tony Romo isn’t really an all-time quarterback. He’s a decent quarterback who’s had the benefit of having a super-human receiver downfield who manages to pull off at least two “how the frick is he THAT wide open” plays each game. If TO is semi-human, the Giants pass-rush can get through the Cowboys line, and Eli Manning can play like he played last week, the Giants win this game by 3. If any of those things don’t happen, the Giants lose by 7. Either way, they cover. Giants +7.5, likely Giants outright.

I finally started writing again. This time with an actual fully planned out synopsis and everything. I’ve started this story a couple times… even got 100ish pages deep once… and then realized once I hit a certain point that the story wasn’t over but I didn’t have a direction to take it. I gave up. This time, I actually fleshed out a whole 14 page synopsis. There’s a beginning, a middle, and something approaching an end that I’m still kind of tweaking. There are four main characters who I understand pretty well.

I’m about 13 days away from turning 30, so I decided that it’s really pointless to keep thinking about writing it instead of actually writing it. A couple things came together that decided it. Three of the most random people possible.

Some dude who’s name I don’t remember: About a month ago I was over a co-worker’s apartment enjoying his fabulous roof deck. One of his friends happens to be a script writer. I can’t remember what he told me he was in the process of writing but I told him how much I respected that kind of thing and wished I could do it. Knowing how lame that sounds, I actually prefaced it with “I’m sorry to do this to you because I know everyone you meet says this and you must hate it.” He said the best way to just write was to write. As simple and stupid as that sounds, it stuck.

Dr. Phil: He said possibly the most profoundly simple thing I’ve ever heard him say. “There’s no such thing as willpower. You either want to do something or you don’t. If you do, you’ll do it. If you don’t, you’ll fail.” My dad was a smoker for a long time. He “tried” to quit a couple times in his twenties and failed. He eventually decided that he was going to stop “trying” to quit. When he was ready to quit, he’d know. He wasn’t going to keep trying to do something and failing. Same thing. I kept saying that I wanted to write it, but I didn’t have the time, energy, or patience to do it. I didn’t realize how lame that was until person 3.

My buddy Paul: Who said “I keep being afraid to do it because deep down I’m afraid it kinda sucks.” As long as that novel or script stays in your head, you can still dream about being a writer. Once you put it down on paper… it’s real. You can send it to someone. If they tell you it sucks, being a writer isn’t a dream anymore. You’re just another dummy who thought he could write and sucked at it. I think it’s time for me to know one way or another if I suck or if I can come up with something people will like.

At the end of the day, it might suck… but at least I’ll know. And that’s worth something, right?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine back in August of 2007. We were trying to figure out why, with all the reality television on the air these days, they hadn’t yet remade American Gladiators. It seemed like something that would almost fit today’s television world better than when it originally aired. Imagine my surprise and elation. Imagine my further elation when I discovered Hulk Hogan would be the host. I mean, one of my favorite shows hosted by one of my favorite humans? Who can ask for anything more?

I patiently awaited the premiere. I set my DVR three days in advance to be sure I’d have it on tape. I patiently waited for the girl to go to sleep so I could watch my two hours of uninterrupted bliss. The verdict?

Meh.

Pros

- Hulk Hogan is a great host. He tries his best to make these pointless interviews interesting, brother.

- The arena is much cooler? I’m trying.

Cons

- Joust: Can we pick a camera angle and stick with it? Just because you have four cameras on the action doesn’t mean you have to switch between them every other second. It’s impossible to track what’s going on in the actual Joust because of this seizure-inducing need to switch angles constantly. Give me the wide shot until you have a reason not to.

- The Eliminator: A 30-foot cargo net climb means a huge bit of downtime while the contenders deal with it. Also, is this Eliminator 1,000 times harder than previous Eliminators or are people just in crappier shape these days? Not one person really made it through the Eliminator with no problems. It was almost embarrassing how exhausted these people were by the time they got halfway through the course. One woman was stuck on the treadmill portion for 2 minutes (not an exaggeration) while another woman, who could barely function, made up a solid 90-second deficit. Also: why is the handbike so much harder in this version of the show? People used to fly across the handbike in seconds. Now it takes them forever.

- Hang Tough: The old Hang Tough was about 15 sets of rings deep… the new one is six. Why?

- Assault: Why would you screw with an event that was perfectly fine as it was? Why is one station not a weapon, but instead the contender has to sift through a sand pit and find a arrow… to then use in the weapon at the NEXT STATION? There is not a human alive that watched Assault on the old Gladiator show and said “You know what this needs? A litter box with a hidden arrow.” Every person who ever watched Gladiator had the same reaction to Assault: “This is awesome and I NEED TO TRY THIS.” Of course you’d take that event and tweak it. I mean, if it ain’t broke, fix it until it is… that’s what I always say.

- Manufactured drama. You know what’s silly? 150-lb guys trash talking 300-lb monsters. There’s no need for the contenders and Gladiators to snipe at each other. You don’t need to pretend the guys hate each other. It’s stupid. They don’t hate each other. They have jobs to do.

- Do we really need interviews before and after every event? Do you know how interested I am in hearing the contenders tell me “I just need to persevere and get through this and do my best” more than once? Not at all. Something to remember, guys: normal people are not that interesting. They give crappy interviews. Also: 3 events and then the Eliminator? Why am I watching more interviews with people I don’t care about than I am watching the actual events? Why could old Gladiator fit 6 events and the Eliminator in an hour but the new one can only fit three? Exponentially less pointless filler interviews. It’s an edited show, guys, put it together better.

- Frustrating commercial breaks. Sports work well on television because people have been conditioned on when to expect breaks. If I’m watching a baseball game, I know I’m getting commercials during pitching changes and between innings. In football, I know I’m getting commercials on changes of possession. This is called “downtime”. This show has the referee do the “Contender ready? Gladiator ready? 3-2-1″ CUT TO COMMERCIAL. Are you f*cking serious? Why would you do this? It’s akin to showing a pitcher throw warm-up pitches and then cutting to commercial just as he’s throwing the first pitch of the inning. Why would you take a commercial break specifically where you know it’s going to make people angry? You’re not writing a scripted television show with cliffhangers and acts. You’ve created a SPORTS program. People know when to expect breaks during sports programs. When you get cute and put the break somewhere awkward, you take the person out of the game and force them to scratch their head. You have a television program (that they’re editing together, mind you) where you have structured events. People EXPECT you to take commercial breaks after the event. Instead, you have an event, followed by a pointless filler post-event interview with the winner (and sometimes the loser), followed by the introduction to the next event, followed by a pointless filler pre-event interview with the contender, followed by the referee giving instruction, introduction, “3-2-1″, FADE TO BLACK, and then the Gecko telling me about car insurance. WHO PUT THIS SHOW TOGETHER???? Every time they go to commercial, I get angry.

The Verdict

I’d like to thank Hollywood for destroying yet another piece of my childhood. The worst part of it is that this isn’t me fondly remembering a show that I haven’t seen in 15 years and have built up in a little shrine in my head. This is me actually being able to watch the old show on ESPN Classic and seeing that’s it’s held up. Then, I flip to this new version, and in the same hour they can only manage half the events with enough pointless filler to nearly render the show unwatchable. I want to know what executive watched the old Gladiator shows and said, “You know what this show needs? An interview with each contender before and after each event, Gladiators trash-talking, a kitty-litter box in Assault, and lots and lots of pools of water. Then it would just be perfect.” I want to know who he is so I can strap him in a chair and force him to watch the old show and tell me why it doesn’t work. They must believe people have been so conditioned to expect “confessionals” that they wouldn’t be able to handle shows without it. I hope these people have a special place in hell reserved for them.

I have no idea if I’ll continue watching this or not. It’s DVR status is secured for now, but it’s tenuous.