NFL Picks: Week 13 and 14 results
Right on schedule, the week that I check my standings, I come in with a solid 5 win week. The lesson, as always, there will be time enough for counting when the dealin’s done.
Week 13
Thursday
W/L - Packers +6.5 at Cowboys: Packers +6.5. I had this pick correct and then I let Simmons talk me out of it. The lesson, as always, don’t listen to a guy getting housed by his wife in picks on the season.
Sunday
L/L - Lions +3.5 at Vikings: Lions outright. Never underestimate the power of a holyf*ck running back. The Lions are collapsing off their 10 win guarantee right out of the playoffs. On the other hand, a really crappy looking (for most of the season) Vikings team is looking to sneak in to the 6th playoff slot. This kind of crap is what makes the NFL exciting. It’s what makes people look beyond the fact that the league treats its fans with just a little less contempt than an ER nurse treats a junkie.
L/L - Seahawks +3 at Eagles: Eagles cover. You know the difference between a good quarterback and a career backup? Three plays per game. The reason Feeley can never be taken seriously is because he kills his team when the game is on the line.
L/L - Falcons +4.5 at Rams: Falcons outright. I hate this point in the season because teams in garbage time always react differently. Apparently the Rams have decided to try out “winning.”
L/L - Texans +4 at Titans: Texans outright. The Titans have figured me out so well that they know that I’m going against my first instinct.
L/W - Bills +5.5 at Redskins: Bills +5.5. Are we ready to start seeing articles about how the new Bills’ quarterback is going to be a diamond in the rough?
W/W - Niners +3 at Panthers: Niners outright. I don’t know how anyone can legitimately give points to any team facing the Panthers. They are god-awful.
W/W - Jaguars +7 at Colts: Jags +7. You could make a lot of money this year taking the Jags when they get points… or a lot of money taking the Jags. They’re horrifically under-rated by just about everyone.
W/W - Chargers -4.5 at Chiefs: Chargers cover. Where the Royals at?
L/L - Jets +2 at Dolphins: Dolphins cover. Ladies and Gentlemen: the first ever 0-16 team.
L/L - Browns +1.5 at Cardinals: Browns outright. I can’t pick the Cardinals for crap.
L/L - Broncos -3.5 at Raiders: Broncos cover.
L/L - Bucs +3 at Saints: Saints cover. My faith in the bandwagon was shaken and I paid for it. I now pray for Mr. Garcia’s forgiveness.
W/W - Giants -1.5 at Bears: Giants cover. An ugly win’s still a win.
W/W - Bengals +8 at Steelers: Steelers cover. Who’s the bigger disappointment this season? The Saints or the Bengals?
Monday
W/L - Patriots -21 vs Ravens: Patriots cover. 55 points for the predicted 48-7 shellacking.
Remember in the not so distant past when I said I always need to go against my first instinct when picking the Ravens? Yeah, I forgot, too. Of course, I almost nailed the tiebreak in my crappy week.
Straight Up: 7-9
Against the Spread: 6-10
Week 14
Thursday
L/L - Bears +3 at Redskins: Bears outright. There’s a bar near my apartment called The Patriot that I go to every few months. It’s kind of like what you would think Coyote Ugly would be like if it wasn’t all corporate… attainably hot bartenders, frequent buybacks, bartenders who pour free shots down your gullet while dancing on the bar, and bad country music and southern rock. I went there during this game. They didn’t have the game (no NFL network) but it was French Maid Night for the bartenders. Thursday night is apparently theme night. I tell this story for no real reason other than it’s where I was on Thursday night.
Sunday
W/W - Dolphins +7 at Bills: Bills cover. At this point, I do almost feel bad for Dolphin fans. Almost.
W/W - Rams +6 at Bengals: Bengals cover. Well, at least they can still beat the crappy teams on their schedule. That’s something, right?
W/L - Cowboys -10.5 at Lions: Cowboys cover. You know, I was watching the score of this game while watching the Giant game… not really because I thought the Cowboys were going to fall apart and the Giants could still take the division but frankly out of curiousity as to whether or not the Lions were completely done. I went from elation (20-0), to disbelief (at 27-21) to stunned (28-27) to pure hatred again. Hulse: “All these years I couldn’t understand why Bear fans hated Brett Favre so much. He always seemed like a nice guy and, sure, he beat up your team a couple times a season, but he didn’t seem to rub it in. I get it now. Tony Romo is Brett Favre. He seems like a real nice, happy guy who wouldn’t suck to have a BBQ with… but I want to throw hot coffee on him.”
W/L - Raiders +10 at Packers: Packers cover. I have lost my Raider mojo. I made karma angry by speaking of it.
L/L - Bucs -2.5 at Texans: Bandwagon. Bucs cover. This is my punishment for turning on the bandwagon. I’m not being allowed back on.
W/W - Panthers +10 at Jaguars: Jaguars cover. This spread may as well have been 20 points, too.
W/W - Giants +3 at Eagles: Giants outright. The Giants’ inability to put teams away when they have them on the ropes is going to quickly become a problem. If it doesn’t bite them in the first week of the playoffs, it will certainly bite them if they ever get the Pack or the Cowboys on the ropes.
W/W - Chargers -2 at Titans: Chargers cover. I picked a Titans game correctly. I should retire.
W/W - Vikings -7 at Niners: Vikings cover. The good thing about this Vikings team is that the Giants won’t have to play them in the first round of the playoffs.
W/L - Cardinals +6.5 at Seahawks: Cardinals +6.5. I’m amazed that the ‘hawks still have a chance at 11 wins.
W/W - Chiefs +6.5 at Broncos: Stick a fork in the Chiefs. Broncos cover.
W/W - Browns -3.5 at Jets: Browns cover. Guess which game I got to watch instead of Pats/Steelers.
W/L - Steelers +14.5 at Patriots: Steelers +14.5. Unreal.
W/W - Colts -10 at Ravens: Colts cover. Hey guys… remember me? 6′5″… laser rocket arm? Hello?
Monday
W/W - Falcons +5.5 at Saints: Saints cover. Didn’t see a second of this game. It was my office Christmas Party. Hoo doctor.
Straight Up: 14-2
Against the spread: 10-6
Overall:
- Straight up: 135-73
- Against the spread: 113-88-7