TDL’s Sports, Wrestling, & Otherwise

For the second time this season I looked at the standings in both of the pools I’m in. One is a pool run by a friend from home that’s $2/week (which I get comped for because I host a website for the picks for him) with a $50/week payout and one that’s $100/season. The spreads on the two are usually a little different… the $100/month pool only has half-point spreads so there are never pushes. Imagine my surprise to discover that I’m actually in striking distance in both. I’m 4-wins back with 5 people ahead of me in one pool and 6 wins back with about 10 people ahead of me in the other. Oddly enough, I have 93 wins in both, even though I know some of the bigger spreads in pool #2 have forced losses on me. I guess they’ve given me some wins, too.

So, I guess the answer is that: Yes, when I actually think through my picks each week, I have a better season. Go figure.

Thursday

Packers +6.5 at Cowboys: I’ve only had three days to think about this game and I’ve gone back and forth roughly 142 times. My friend Mike had me convinced to take the points until I read Simmons’ marathon chat yesterday where he made the point that the Cowboys have yet to not maul a team at home. Of course, then I checked Dallas’s home record and they’ve only blown the doors off the Jets and the Rams, beat the Giants and Vikings by 10, and Redskins by 5 (in a game they should have lost, if I remember it correctly). All that said, I have such a hard time picking close Cowboys games because I hate them so, so much… but the Cowboys aren’t unstoppable by a good team at home (the Patriots game, for example). If you’re going to give me a 1 loss team this late in the season with 6.5 points… I have to take it. Packers +6.5.

Sunday

Lions +3.5 at Vikings: This spread is totally wrong and really affected by a blowout win last week. Welcome back to Earth, guys. Lions outright.

Seahawks +3 at Eagles: The Eagles seem like they’re going to have a repeat of last year and play awesome football down the stretch after McNabb is out. Does this mean there will be a AJ Feeley Bandwagon rocking the world in Carolina or Frisco next season? Don’t rule it out. Eagles cover.

Falcons +4.5 at Rams: They got buried by the Colts last week, people… not the Dolphins. Falcons outright

Texans +4 at Titans: First instinct is to take the Titans to cover, so Texans outright.

Bills +5.5 at Redskins: I’m pretty sure Washington’s going to win this game, but not six points sure. Washington has a terrible tendency to choke against teams that put up any resistance at all. The Bills aren’t great, but they’re good enough to put up a fight. Bills +5.5.

Niners +3 at Panthers: Still not picking the Panthers anymore this season. Niners outright.

Jaguars +7 at Colts: The Jaguars are better than people give them credit for which is why Vegas must love this line. They can give the Colts a touchdown against anyone and probably get a barrage of bets. Jags +7.

Chargers -4.5 at Chiefs: The Chargers haven’t been a great road team, but the Chiefs are already getting prepped for baseball season… THAT’S how bad it is. Chargers cover.

Jets +2 at Dolphins: My first instinct was, of course, “how can a team still winless in December, be favored to win a game.” People have said this a couple times already about the Dolphins, but it’s a division game, late in the season. They’re favored, this is the easiest game left on their schedule, they’re home. I have a horrible feeling I’m going to regret this but… as much as you can have a must-win game when you’re totally out of the playoffs… this is a must win for the Dolphins. Dolphins cover.

Browns +1.5 at Cardinals: I actually thought I misread this at first. I assumed the Browns would actually be favored here. At this point, you HAVE to take any AFC North team over any NFC West team, right? Browns outright.

Broncos -3.5 at Raiders: Even with the loss last week, the Broncos hung 34 on the bears. If you took Hester’s 2 touchdowns away, that’s a pretty solid win. The Raiders don’t have anyone that good. Broncos cover.

Bucs +3 at Saints: The Garcia bandwagon hit a snag last week. And by “snag” I mean “one of the axles started splintering.” Although, this spread also falls under my “Saints game spreads hinge way too much on what happened the week before and you should pick them that way.” The Saints blew out the Panthers last week…. but it was the Panthers. I’m not convinced a moderately healthy Garcia can keep piloting the bandwagon. Saints cover.

Giants -1.5 at Bears: I think everyone in the universe is over-reacting to last week’s game. Giants cover.

Bengals +8 at Steelers: The Steelers mess with your head when it comes to point spreads. But I still think they can get it done in this. Steelers cover.

Monday

Patriots -21 vs Ravens: Remember in the not so distant past when I said I could never pick against the Ravens when the spread was more than 3? The Ravens are in for some punishment I think considering their general inability to score. Patriots cover. 55 points for the predicted 48-7 shellacking.

Saturday November 17, 2007

8:45 am: The day dawns voluntarily early when you pass out dead asleep before midnight.

9:00 am: We make our way down to the “Included breakfast buffet”. The spread is nice including an egg, pancake, and French toast station. There are various and sundry different types of Mexican breakfast treats. I stick with all you can eat bacon because, let’s be honest, where do you go wrong with all you can eat bacon?

9:15 am: Various members of our traveling party are making their way down to breakfast looking none the worse for wear. The human body can be amazingly recuperative when there’s drinking to be done.

10:30 am: I head back up to my room to switch into my bathing suit and lather my pasty whiteness with SPF 30… which turns out to not mean much because I find a delightful little place under a giant tiki umbrella. Me and Harry Potter get down to business.

OK, so yes, I’m in the middle of reading Harry Potter. I just finished book five. I started reading this because I figured it was time to see what all the hype was about… and considering my love of all things fantasy, it was time. Early reviews: a pretty decently layered story that is an easy read and obviously written for people a lot younger than me. Fun story, the first three books are relatively small. 300ish pages. Since I was going to be in Mexico for a week, I decided I should probably bring two with me. I walked in to the library to discover that book four was 750 pages long and book five was 850 pages long. I was surprised they didn’t force me to check the weapons at customs.

11:05 am: It’s noon in my time zone. Sol time.

11:06 am: My favorite thing about Cozumel. “Room 206, keep it open.” Double bonus: the room’s on the girl’s card.

11:45 am: One of the random waiter/busboys/bartenders come over to me to fetch my empty and bring me a new one. Good Lord, I could die here.

12:00 pm: Time to jump in the ocean… just cuz. Fun sub-plot of this jump into the ocean: I forgot to take Ms. L’s cell phone out of my bathing suit pocket… which has turned my Blackberry into the Ms. L sister conference center.

2:00 pm: The wedding is at 4 pm, so obviously it’s time to start getting ready.

2:05 pm: Ms. L starts getting ready.

3:50 pm: I start getting ready.

4:00 pm: The groom’s got on a cotton suit and a pair of flip-flops… points for style. In “firsts at a ceremony”, this wedding gets props as “first wedding on a beach near sunset” and “first wedding with open containers amongst the gallery”.

4:30 pm: Ceremony over. Not the most efficient ever, but it will do.

4:35 pm: It doesn’t take long to get to cocktail hour since the altar was set up right next to the tiki bar.

6:00 pm: The reception kicks off.

6:05 pm: The tequila shots start. Gonna be a long night.

For the sake of “What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico”, the events of the next five hours will be redacted for the protection of all involved. Suffice it to say a full moon has never looked quite so bright as it is reflected off the ocean and white sand. Suffice it also to say there was more than enough white-guy shuffle going on. Although, props to the one guy whose name I already forgot who, disturbingly, knew all the choreography to Beat It.

Coming up tomorrow: The Snorkling Booze Cruise

Week 11 - I did these picks at 2 in the morning before taking a flight a Cozumel. Let’s see what happened.

W/W - Chargers +3 at Jaguars: Jags cover.

W/W - Chiefs +14.5 at Colts: Chiefs +14.5.

W/L - Raiders +5.5 at Vikings: Raiders +5.5. For the record: we now know the answer to “what happens when a team I can’t pick comes up against a team I can?” Answer: I lose.

W/W - Browns -2.5 at Ravens: Browns cover. I own 2.5 point spreads.

L/L - Steelers -9 at Jets: Steelers cover. Definition of a let-down game?

W/W - Bucs -3 at Falcons: Bucs cover.

L/L - Cards +3.5 at Bengals: Bengals cover.

W/L - Dolphins +10.5 at Eagles: Philly covers. Goddam half-points.

W/W - Bears +4 at Seattle: Seattle covers.

W/L - Redskins +10.5 at Cowboys: Cowboys cover.

L/L - Saints -2.5 at Texans: Saints cover. Can’t. Pick. New. Orleans.

W/W - Panthers +10 at Packers: Packers cover. Is it bad when a 10 point spread isn’t even question because a team’s so bad.

W/W - Giants at Lions: Giants. So, it wasn’t a 49-0 drubbing, but they did get a wildcard tiebreak.

L/L - Rams +3 at Niners: Niners cover. 13-9 is an acceptable score for a game called the Pitiful Bowl.

W/W - Patriots -14.5 at Bills: Patriots cover.

Monday
W/W 54 points - Titans +2 at Broncos: Broncos cover. 46 points.

Lock of the Week: Saints 0-1.

This Week:
- Straight up: 12-4
- Against the spread: 9-7

- Lock of the Week: 0-1

———-

Week 12: I did these picks Wednesday night, drunk, after a panic moment when I realized there were three games the next day. Lets see what happens.

Thursday
W/W - Packers -3 at Lions: Packers cover. Lions on Thanksgiving… like the tide coming in.

W/W - Jets +13.5 at Cowboys: Cowboys cover. No shock here… except I wasn’t napping.

W/L - Colts -11.5 at Falcons: Falcons +11.5. I guess everyone CAN cover on Thanksgiving day.

Sunday
W/W - Redskins +3 at Bucs: Bucs cover. My bandwagon.

W/W - Seahawks -3 at Rams: Seahawks cover. Way to cap off a suspenseful game, ass.

L/L - Vikings -7.5 at Giants: Giants cover. A quarterback has never had an off game against an inferior team in the history of ever. Especially not Peyton Manning two weeks ago or Romo six weeks ago. It’s unique to Eli. I need to stop watching Sportscenter and NFL on NBC after games. I blame that for giving me grey hair.

W/W - Raiders +5.5 at Chiefs. Raiders outright. Who’s house? Tom’s house.

L/L - Bills +9 at Jaguars: Bills +9. In my drunken state, I forgot that a Patriot crushing gives teams hangovers.

L/W - Texans +4 at Browns: Browns cover.

L/L - Titans at Bengals: Titans. I need to remember to go against my first instinct with Titan games.

W/W - Saints -3 at Panthers: Saints cover. Speaking of odd spreads, how is a team that has no one at quarterback consistently only a 3 to 7 point dog? if I was betting, I’d be riding this horse until it died on me.

L/W - Niners +10.5 at Cards; Niners +10.5. Thank you, Kurt Warner, for saving me the embarassment of hitting this on the noggin.

W/W - Ravens +9 at Chargers: Chargers cover. Went against the first instinct. Won.

L/P - Broncos +3 at Bears: Broncos outright.

W/L - Eagles -18.5 at Patriots: Patriots cover. Apparently, you CAN insult an NFL team to the point they play their guts out. Let’s see how the Jets react as 30 point dogs.

Monday

W/W - Dolphins +16 at Steelers: Dolphins +16. I don’t actually remember what I took for points, but I’ll safely say it wasn’t anywhere close 3.

This Week:
- Straight up: 10-6
- Against the spread: 10-5-1

Overall:
- Straight up: 114-62
- Against the spread: 97-72-7

Locks of the Week: 11-4
Upsets of the Week: 4-3

I’d like to point out that the first year that I don’t have a spreadless pool, I’m dominating it. That’s how I roll.

While I usually consider destination weddings to be a bit of a pain the balls, when Ms. L got the invitation for this one, a perfect storm of events had occurred:

1) We haven’t really been on a vacation since before we moved to New York two (!) years ago.
2) It’s the beginning of the “f*ck, it’s cold” season in the Northeast.
3) Her busy season is going to be starting again in five weeks and I’d like to spend a little time with her before my only girlfriend becomes Netflix for four months.
4) It preceded Thanksgiving week, so we were going to be doing some traveling anyway.

I had actually planned to sleep before the trip this time… I started this habit on my Spring Break trips. I figured that if I’m going to be getting up at 4 am anyway, what’s the point of actually going to sleep? This time, I thought I’d sleep but Ms. L blew that up with “I think I’m going to pack late and just take a nap.” Well, me too, I guess.

Friday, 11/16/2007

2 am: I almost make it, but I’m wiped. Ms. L’s packing in the bedroom so I put my feet up and sleep in the chair. I set the Blackberry for 3:45 am. I figure if I sleep in the chair it will be more a nap than anything else.

4:15 am: Jesus. Fortunately, I’m too tired to be tired and I sleep like no one’s business on a plane. I just need to be awake enough to carry Ms. L’s 9,000 lbs of luggage.

5:00 am: For the first time, I’m trying to hail a cab going AWAY from home at 5 am. It’s a whole different world. I’m as amazed this time around as I was the last time I caught a cab to a New York airport at an ungodly hour that there is already a healthy amount of traffic coming into the city.

5:45 am: Yes, it can take you 45 minutes to go 20 miles of expressway at 5 in the morning. Who loves New York?

6:00 am: I love JFK. There’s about 12 miles of rat maze to get up to the check-in counter (no online check-in on international flights, much to my dismay) and there are five people at the front of the rat maze.

6:15 am: Once again, I find it necessary to give New York airports credit. The passengers don’t have to be told what to do. Everyone has hats, jackets, and shoes off and in a bucket when going through security. Laptops are separated without prompting. All in all, it remains the easiest check-in process in the world. Of course, you might not be leaving until 3 hours after you’re supposed to, but getting in the door: like a well-oiled machine.

6:30 am: I find the Dunkin Donuts kiosk. I debate for a moment whether or not I want coffee because I’m relatively certain I don’t want anything to interfere with my blessed altitude-induced coma. I decide that I still have two friggin hours and if I’m going to stand in line for a sandwich, I’m sure as hell going to get a coffee, too.

6:31 am: For the first time, I notice that I have yet to see a Starbucks in an airport. I then realize my airport collection is not that extensive.

6:40 am: We find the collection of accountants huddled around the JetBlue wireless location. I should have realized. Surprisingly, only 2 laptops… one will come in handy later.

7:00 am: The group (now grown to 9, Me, Ms. L, 5 NYC co-workers including one who went to college with Ms. L, 1 Long Island co-worker, and 2 husbands) goes off to find some breakfast.

7:30 am: Boarding.

8:15 am: Bless my soul, we’re only getting off the ground 15 minutes late.

8:20 am: I know JetBlue’s had some hardcore PR issues in the last year, but I still can’t hate on any company that gives me TV, XM Radio, all I can drink coffee, and all I can eat cookies.

8:30 am: All of which doesn’t matter because I’m out already.

9:45 am: I come to enough to ask for a coffee and am out again before it comes.

10:15 am: Ms. L pokes me and asks me if her co-worker can have my coffee if I’m not going to drink it. I grunt, which she takes as yes, and yoinks my coffee.

10:45 am: I come to again and notice my coffee is gone. I gamely try to read a bit of my book (currently: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) before going out again.

10:45 am (Central Time): I wake up in time for final approach and discover that the flight is landing a half-hour early. First time ever.

11:00 am: Last time I landed in Cancun it was a Saturday afternoon and customs was packed. Today I land and our flight is the only one coming in. This has been the smoothest travel day in the history of travel days (dun dun dunnnnn).

11:05 am: I get flagged for a search. Fortunately, the closest thing I have to contraband is a book meant for 12-year-olds.

11:25 am: We finally get outside the airport. The second we step outside they have a “welcome bar” in the spot where you wait for a cab. We immediately buy two six packs of Corona. Fun side note: last time I went to Mexico in 2003 I stayed at your standard all-inclusive resort. The all-inclusive beer of choice was Corona. I drank so much Corona that week that I have not actually drank a Corona in four years. This is the first Corona I’ve had since last time I was in Mexico. I determined that I now only drink domestic Corona.

11:36 am: Corona: no sir, not over it yet.

11:37 am: Being as my Mexican geography isn’t really up to snuff, I really didn’t know what we were going to be doing to get between Cozumel and Cancun. I just knew that my job was to get 2 plane tickets on certain days. The rest of the arrangements were being handled via other people in our group. This travel agent was supposed to book us a cab from Cancun airport to Playa Del Carmen ($25 per person… for a total of $225 for the cab), where we would catch a ferry from Playa Del Carmen to Cozumel ($10 pp). I ask Ms. L why we did this instead of flying directly into Cozumel. I’m told this is far cheaper.

11:45 am: The cab company asks the girl who made all the arrangements for her travel voucher. She does not have her travel voucher because her travel agent insisted she didn’t need one. The cab company insists she does. Fortunately, she was one of the two people to bring her laptop and she brings up the information from the cab company that says she does not, in fact, need a voucher. I’ve already housed my Corona to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

12:05 pm: We’re on the road… the car is somewhat rowdy.

12:35 pm: Still on the road. The Corona buzz has worn off and people are realizing they’ve been up since 4:30 am. We try to get the cabbie to stop off at a random Bodega on the side of the Mexican highway to get a 12-pack to keep up the buzz. He won’t let us. I hate him.

12:40 pm: Traffic? In Mexico? They have traffic in Mexico?

12:42 pm: I discover my Blackberry works in Mexico. I am far too excited by this. I immediately start e-mailing co-workers to ask them how their days are going.

1:30 pm: We arrive in Playa Del Carmen. We don’t know where we’re going but we know we need to find the ferry pier. I spot an ATM but decide to wait till I get to the hotel. After all, a hotel will have an ATM right?

1:40 pm: We find the ferry, the next one leaves at 2. The girls discover restrooms. I discover a Senor Frog’s, which makes me smile. I went to the Cancun version of this place last time I was here.

2:00 pm: We start loading on to the ferry. Some people coming off the ferry do not look well. They look downright… ill. I’m not put off by this because I’ve never really had a problem with seasickness.

2:10 pm: The ferry ride is kind of rough. It’s also encased in plastic, not air-conditioned, and really not comfortable. Still thinking it will either get better or that it won’t bother me, I order a Sol. It’s not Corona, so it’s OK.

2:15 pm: I’ve taken one sip out of my beer. The ferry is lurching to each side, then violently jerking back the other way. As the first victim runs for the bathroom, the Mariachi band starts playing. Yes… really.

2:30 pm: Ms. L has stopped moving. Most people on board have started going for puke bags. I’m sitting as still as I possibly can, holding a bottle of Sol in a death grip focusing on my insides. If you’ve ever seen From Dusk Till Dawn, the phrase “Now let’s go kill that f*cking band” went through my mind roughly 11,000 times. I can’t really put in to words how awful I’m feeling at this point. I’ve broken into a cold sweat, I’m squeezing a bottle so hard I feel like it might pop in my hands, two of the people in our group are joking and telling stories about awful boat rides in their past, people are getting sick all around me, I’m getting splashed occasionally with cold water as gigantic waves crash against the hull, and there’s cheerful f*cking Mariachi music playing next to my head with guys who couldn’t be happier to be there. I’m really hoping my bottle shatters so I can cut someone’s throat.

2:35 pm: Ms. L has given up and gone inside the cabin where it’s apparently air conditioned. I’m terrified to to move. People are literally being thrown from one side of the ferry to the other. The workers are attempting to get people into the bathroom, but they’re being tossed back and forth as well.

2:40 pm: Sweet jesus, I see land.

2:45 pm: The band is walking around looking for tips. It takes everything I have to not throw my still-full beer bottle at him.

2:50 pm: Land… sweet god, I’ve never been happier to get off a boat. I love land. I’m on an island and have no desire to leave.

2:55 pm: One person in our party has to be a buzzkill and remind us that we have to do that again in a couple days. I file him with the person who always makes the “nyuk nyuk, guess this is local” if the elevator stops at too many floors.

3:15 pm: We catch yet another cab from the ferry pier to the Playa Azul Golf and Beach Resort. It’s a very small, 50 room resort on Cozumel… 32 rooms taken for the wedding.

3:30 pm: Arrive hotel. For those keeping track at home, the reason we didn’t take the flight from LaGuardia to Cozumel was 1) it was more expensive and 2) it took longer. By my tally: $398 in flights + $50 in cab + $20 for the ferry ride from ninth circle of hell + $20 for a cab ($488) and 7.5 hour travel time. Within an hour of me getting home tonight, I checked Travelocity to discover Delta Airlines LaGuardia to Cozumel: $437pp, 6 hours and 46 minutes with a change-over in Atlanta. In my world, we’re at the resort, not seasick, and not exhausted by 2:30 pm. The lesson, as always: don’t let accountants make travel plans.

4:00 pm: We get to our room. It’s a nice room with a balcony overlooking the pool and the ocean. I notice this all in passing as I go directly for a bed. The bride and groom have scheduled a welcome happy hour at the beach bar for 6:30 pm. My legs are still shaky from all the energy I spent at not vomiting. I lay down and sleep so hard that it feels I was only out for seconds.

6:15 pm: Quick shower and I’m ready to work. The bar is a square deal directly out on the beach. They have Sol, Bohemia, and Dos Equis. My favorite part of this resort thus far? No Corona.

8:15 pm: We move on to dinner at the hotel. Our entire party is drunk and exhausted so there is not much after-partying to be had. Which is good since the hotel bars close at 11 pm.

Coming up tomorrow: The Wedding.

After travel from CUN -> JFK -> drive to Albany I’m not in any condition to be cute and fun in these picks, but I need to at least get them done.

Packers -3 at Lions: This is the first Thanksgiving Lions game that I legitimately have no idea what to do. That said, I’d feel retarded if I picked against the Pack and they lost. Packers cover.

Jets +13.5 at Cowboys: While I nap tomorrow, the Cowboys will be winning by 2 touchdowns. Cowboys cover.

Colts -11.5 at Falcons: Not everyone can cover tomorrow, right? Falcons +11.5

Sunday
Redskins +3 at Bucs: The bandwagon isn’t failing me often: Bucs cover.

Seahawks -3 at Rams: I still can’t really pick the Rams. I don’t buy a Renassaince. Seahawks cover.

Vikings -7.5 at Giants: For whatever reason, the Giants own the Vikings’ souls. Giants cover.

Raiders +5.5 at Chiefs. Raiders outright.

Bills +9 at Jaguars: Bills +9.

Texans +4 at Browns: Browns cover.

Titans at Bengals: Sadly, I think the Titans are better. Titans.

Saints -3 at Panthers: If you’re in a suicide pool, just pick against the Panthers the rest of the year. Saints cover.

Niners +10.5 at Cards; Not trusting the Cards giving that many. Niners +10.5.

Ravens +9 at Chargers: Chargers cover.

Broncos +3 at Bears: Broncos outright.

Eagles -18.5 at Patriots: I have seen this spread as high as 20… in fact, in my other pool it’s 23.5… which is the highest spread I’ve ever seen in an NFL game. That said, I’m still not picking the Patriots until they fail to cover the spread agaisnt a team not from Indianapolis. I feel like they’re taking spreads as a challenge at this point. Patriots cover.

Monday

Dolphins +16 at Steelers: Just what I need, another stupid Steelers Monday game. Dolphins +16.

At the last minute on Friday I decided to skip bringing my laptop on vacation. If I did, I figured I’d be too tempted to do non vacationy things wiith it.

I did however bring the blackberry. I just got back from my first destination wedding/reception. The bride and groom got married on an alter right next to the water in the shade of a cabana bar. It was the first wedding I’ve been to where Sol and Dos Equis was not only served at the reception, but encouraged for the ceremony.

Now, I’m sitting here on my balcony finishing off the trademarked “last beer” that I nicked from the after-party and listening to the waves come in on an absolutely gorgeous night. Last time I came to Mexico it was the end if August and way toohot and humid. Tonight, on the other hand, is perfect.

I’m really posting this for no other reason than because I was stoked that I had blackberry service in Cozumel and so I’d remember the anniversary of Ryan and Sussanah someday… Two people who will certainly never read this post… But bless them for giving me an excuse to go on vacation.

As much as I always say I hate hot and humid, goddam but could I get used to 75 and nice in the middle if November instead of cold, wet, and gray.

Since I’m doing the Tom trademark: “I have to get up at 4am to get on a plane for vacation so f*ck it, I’ll just stay up and sleep on the plane” thing, I figured I’d best get my picks in before flying off to Cozumel… where the Internets might speak Spanish.

As an aside… how funny is it that the Yankees are looking to hand out about $400 million worth of new contracts and the Red Sox are still mind-numbingly better than they are. Maybe by the time A-Rod’s pulling down $27.5M in 2015 the Red Sox will be slowing down.

Chargers +3 at Jaguars: The Jaguars continue to be better than I give them credit for… and the Chargers won a game by 2 points in which the opposing quarterback threw six interceptions. Not picking them. Jags cover.

Chiefs +14.5 at Colts: Peyton’s still not really throwing to anyone… which is just enough to keep it within 2 touchdowns. Chiefs +14.5.

Raiders +5.5 at Vikings: Raiders +5.5

Browns -2.5 at Ravens: Last week I declared no more Ravens. Browns cover.

Steelers -9 at Jets: I can’t see any good reason to pick the Jets any more this year either. Steelers cover.

Bucs -3 at Falcons: Sticking to the bandwagon. Bucs cover.

Cards +3.5 at Bengals: Bengals cover.

Dolphins +10.5 at Eagles: Betting on the Dolphins is getting to be an intriguing proposition. They probably aren’t going to go winless and they’re usually on a pretty good money line. That said… not in Philly who’s now playing to pull out of their funk. Philly covers.

Bears +4 at Seattle: I’m pulling for the Giants first round playoff opponent to be Seattle, so let’s work that. Seattle covers.

Redskins +10.5 at Cowboys: As much as it physically pains me to do this: Cowboys cover.

Saints -2.5 at Texans: It amazes me how much the Saints’ previous week affects their spread in the current week. They have been playing mostly great and now they’re only favored by 2 over the Texans? Take it and lock it up. Saints cover.

Panthers +10 at Packers: Still can’t really see any reason to take the Panthers with less than 2 touchdowns ever. Packers cover.

Giants at Lions: The Lions have an awful line and the Giants have a great pass rush. I think that puts this game roughly at 49-0. I might be biased, though. Giants.

Rams +3 at Niners: Pitiful Bowl. Niners cover.

Patriots -14.5 at Bills: The Bills have been a fun little team to watch… much like earlier in the season though: Super hot evil Willow (not to be confused with Super Hot Vampire Willow) says: “Daddy’s home”. Patriots cover.

Monday
Titans +2 at Broncos: What’d the Broncos do to deserve all this prime time coverage? As I continue to prove, I can’t pick the Titans. Broncos cover. 46 points.

Lock of the Week: Saints.

L/W - Jaguars +6.5 at Titans: Jags +6.5. Imagine that, I picked a Titans game wrong… even when I went against my first instinct… goddam Jags.

L/L - Broncos +7.5 at Chiefs: Chiefs cover. Chiefs - LJ = problems afoot.

W/P - Bills -3 at Dolphins: Bills cover. As it turns out, the spread was perfect.

W/L - Browns +9.5 at Steelers: Steelers cover. Apparently the Browns are for real… for what feels as the first time in my life.

L/W - Rams +12 at Saints: Rams +12. The Rams won a game… who knew?

W/W - Falcons +4.5 at Panthers: Falcons outright. Ladies and gentlemen, your Chad Pennington Landing Spot 2008.

L/L - Eagles +3 at Redskins: Redskins cover. This actually looked like a pretty good pick until the the last two minutes of the game. Thank god they switched to this game just in time for me to see the Eagles go crazy. On the positive end, it kept the bottom two of the NFC East a comfortable distance back.

W/W - Vikings +6.5 at Packers: Packers cover. An injury the week after he’s declared the next big thing? Who knew?

L/W - Bengals +6.5 at Ravens: Bengals +6.5. I think I’ve figured out the Ravens… just never, ever pick them. They can’t score. No more picking the Ravens for the rest of the season.

W/W - Bears -3 at Raiders: Bears cover. Raiders: still my bitches.

L/L - Cowboys -1 at Giants: Giants outright. Well, that sucked. This game was pretty much the definition of why Eli Manning is the most frustrating guy to root for in the world. He shows flashes of brilliance… but the brilliance is tempered by having 3 delay of game penalties at home. That said, as much as it pains me, I’m now willing to dub the Cowboys the best team in the NFC. That also said, I’m not quite ready to press the panic button on the season yet. Considering the Giants’ 2 losses are to the 2 best teams in the NFC they are still in prime position for a Wildcard. Must win game next week to grab a wildcard tiebreak from the Lions.

L/L - Lions at Cards (pk) - Lions. Nope.

L/L - Colts -3 at Chargers: Classy Colts Cover Classily. If I knew Peyton was going to be playing in the rain, I may have picked this differently.

L/L - 49ers +10 at Seahawks: 49ers cover. As I had to travel on Tuesday, which meant getting up at 6 am to catch a train, I skipped this game. Looks like I didn’t miss much.

This Week:
- Straight up: 5-9
- Against the spread: 6-7-1

Overall:
- Straight up: 92-52
- Against the spread: 78-60-6

Well, I was due for a week like this.

Jaguars +6.5 at Titans: Let’s just start right off with team one on the “Can’t Get Them Right” list. My initial instinct here is to take the Titans to cover, but since my first instinct with the Titans is always wrong, I’ll take the Jags. Jags +6.5.

Broncos +7.5 at Chiefs: Can nearly dead Priest Holmes step up and replace LJ? Does Cutler care that Randy Marsh thinks he kinda sucks? Honestly, I have no idea… but after a complete schlepping by the Lions, I don’t have any faith in the Broncos anymore… not even 7.5 points worth of faith. Chiefs cover.

Bills -3 at Dolphins: This has all the makings of a let-down game for the Bills… and you’d really think Miami has to win at some point. But unfortunately for them, Buffalo’s been chugging along, winning the games they’re supposed to win and are a couple lucky breaks away from being 6-2. I think this spread is drastically low. Bills cover.

Browns +9.5 at Steelers: One word comes to mind for this pick: Ugh. These are both the teams that have been involved in knocking me around either in knockout pools or, last week, knocking me out of the money in a picks pool. I really, legitimately have no idea what the Browns are going to do from week to week. I honestly thought that the 5-3 record would lower this spread a bit to make it an easy pick… alas, it didn’t. That said, the Bengals have been beating bad teams and getting crushed by teams that should crush them… so I’m going to say this is going to be a repeat of week 1. At the very least, if you can beat a team 34-7 in their house, you should be able to beat them 17-7 in your own. Steelers cover.

Rams +12 at Saints: In case you haven’t heard… the Saints are back. And, fortunately, their huge win last week makes this spread way too big. Rams +12.

Falcons +4.5 at Panthers: Beating the Panthers with “whoever” at quarterback on the road should be any worse than beating the Niners with “whoever” at quarterback on the road. Falcons outright.

Eagles +3 at Redskins: I don’t think the Eagles are any better than they were the last time the Redskins beat them. Redskins cover.

Vikings +6.5 at Packers: I think the Pack wins this, but only because I think Peterson must still be tired. I don’t think the Vikings have enough in the tank against a defense that’s pretty good at holding back the run. That and Peterson is screaming for some kind of snap-back week. Packers cover.

Bengals +6.5 at Ravens: Much like the Titans, every pick I have with the Ravens is wrong. I think the Ravens win this, so Bengals +6.5.

Bears -3 at Raiders: Not enough points here to take the Raiders. Bears cover.

Cowboys -1 at Giants: The only game I really care about this week… and it terrifies me. have been historically awful coming off their bye week. I think I heard they are 4-14 coming out of the bye week… and the only thing that surprises me about that statistic is that they’ve actually won 4. This game has the makings of the same type of shootout that it was in week one with one difference: Osi and Strahan. The Giants should have a very, very good pass rush this time out that should mess with Tony Romo. It’s also an absolute must-win game for the Giants. They can’t give Dallas the tie-breaker. Can’t pick against the Giants… it’s bad karma. Giants outright.

Lions at Cards (pk) - Two pretty evenly matched teams… but one has Jesus on their side. The guarantee rolls on. Lions.

Colts -3 at Chargers: There might actually be too much class on the field here for their to be a proper football game. Just a class-off. Both teams are so classy, they sip tea between quarters while discussing opera through their monocles. Did I mention how classy everyone involved in this game will be? Do you know why both teams start with C? That’s right, because there’s so much class on the field. I’m picking the Colts because it’s alliterate with Class. Classy Colts Cover Classily.

Monday

49ers +10 at Seahawks: Monday night games have been pretty crappy this year… and the Seahawks have been dominating me in picks. I don’t think Seattle’s good enough to merit 10 points, last week’s score be damned. 49ers cover.

Sticking with my habit of reading books with absurdly long titles: the proper name of this is Now I Can Die In Peace: How ESPN’s Sports Guy Found Salvation, With A Little Help From Nomar, Pedro, Shawshank, And The 2004 Red Sox by Bill Simmons.

You might know him as the guy on ESPN’s Page 2 who tells us every week about how awesome the Patriots are and how much the Celtics are going to rule. Going back before that, Bill Simmons was a long-suffering Boston fan who happened to be in the right place at the right time at the beginning of this whole Internet thing.

This book wasn’t anything that I was expecting. I thought it was actually going to be new material. It isn’t. It’s a republishing of Sports Guy columns going back to his old bostonsportsguy.com website. So basically, if I’d been a loyal Sports’ Guy reader through thick and thin I would have read this entire book already save for the small introductions to each section. The columns are annotated… boy are they annotated. The gimmick is the columns are being republished with Simmons footnoting them… filling the reader in on what he was doing, what he was thinking, explaining an inside joke or two, clarifying things, and in some cases eating his words. They’re not small annotations either… there’s almost another whole book of footnotes. It took me way longer to read this book than books of similar sizes. For each page, there’s almost another whole page of footnotes. The effect is a lot of back and forth between the actual body of the columns and the footnotes. It gets distracting.

One thing that becomes obvious pretty quickly into the book is how little Simmons’ style has changed in the last eight years. The First Godfather reference comes two pages in. He makes the same references now that he made years ago… and the book wears out Godfather and Shawshank. I love Shawshank as much as the next guy, but I was sick of seeing references to it by the quarter point.

It’s also very long. I’m a non-Red Sox fan and a non-Boston guy, so I guess the book isn’t really written with me in mind. By the time I got to the end of the book, I felt like I never wanted to watch another second of Red Sox baseball (and this was about a week before they won the title… well timed on my part). In fact, I enjoyed the 50 or so pages of fresh introduction than I did of the hundreds of pages of Red Sox copy.

To it’s credit: there were some interesting historical things in it. Simmons’ included his first ESPN.com column and the events that led to it. It was cool to read his take on the Aaron Boone game (well before I started reading him semi-regularly).

Funny thing in the introduction… Simmons’ mentions the four reasons that, during that fateful summer of 1997 when I had to choose a major, I chose CompSci over English and Writing. Back in my high school and college days, I was a religious reader of Sports Illustrated and other sports related magazines. Even at those tender ages, I noticed that SI didn’t have one writer under the age of 50. Simmons mentions this: guys get a column and they keep it forever. It’s an impossible industry to break into. This goes right back to my theory that I graduated at the wrong time to do anything. Had I been in college a little sooner with web programming, I could have really hopped on the dot-com bandwagon, cashed in some absurdly inflated Amazon stock, and bought the Dallas Mavericks. Had I been in college a little later, I could have gone for journalism… since now there was a whole new medium where people who weren’t 1000 years could get jobs writing.

The other three reasons: 1) the break-in jobs really, really suck and don’t pay anything 2) there are no hot women reporters and (most importantly) 3) Sports reporters all kind of struck me as star-f*ckers.

What I did enjoy about it was the little bit of personal, biographical stuff I got about Simmons. There was some historical stuff about his time in New England and his move to the West Coast. There was some very interesting stuff about how his writing from a “fan’s perspective” was very different than the stuff going on at the time. Thinking back on it, even seven or eight years ago, it really was all old codger-y writers who wrote their take and the readers were just expected to agree… exactly the kind of stuff that entire websites are now dedicated to tearing apart. Most sports’ bloggers write from the fans’ perspective because we have no choice. No one’s going to give us press credentials. He goes into WHY he still writes from the fans’ perspective… even though working for the Worldwide Leader he has access to every club house in the country. Basically: he doesn’t WANT to know if his favorite guy is an asshole to reporters. I think that’s why, even though his schtick hasn’t changed any in the last seven years, I still like him. It’s one of the reasons I like Tony Kornheiser, too. They get why people boo their teams. They get why fans are the way they are. They actively have kept themselves from becoming so immersed in the journalism aspect of sports that they forget why they started watching them to begin with. Those were the parts I liked which were, admittedly, few and far between.

Final Verdict: not really for me… but I’m admittedly not a Red Sox fan. This review kinda sucks, but it’s tough to review a collection of blog posts.