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The difficulty with watching a show based on casting the lead roles for a revival of Grease is three-fold. One, I don’t like Grease (and not in a trendy, “I hate everything popular” kind of way. I just dislike the music and Olivia Newton-John). Two, I hate blatant rip-offs (Broadway Idol). And three, I’m working on being a Broadway Snob (may or may not be a problem). This show is a blatant rip-off, taking shooting, hosting, and judging all directly from American Idol. In it’s defense, it really doesn’t pretend to be anything otherwise. But, while American Idol gives the winner a million dollar recording contract, Grease promises the winner one of the two lead roles in the Broadway revival of Grease, opening August 16, 2007 on Broadway.

The Format

If you’ve seen Idol, you’ve seen this show. Hopefuls sing in front of three judges. The judges pass the good singers on to Day Two. On day two, the average to great singers must prove they are semi-competent dancers. Those who can sing and dance go on to Hollywood, Dawg “Grease Academy”. After Grease Academy, twelve (crazy!) performers will move on to the “Live Performance” round where America will vote on who will get the lead roles of Danny and Sandy on Broadway’s latest Grease revival.

I’m sure the New York Times Broadway Snobs will just love this.

The Judges

The show’s three judges make a bit more sense than Idol’s. All of them are connected to the show somehow and two of the three will have their butts on the line if the show fails.

Jim Jacobs: The guy who wrote the original show’s book, music, and lyrics. According to IBDB (yes, there’s an IBDB) Jacobs is a Broadway One-shot whose only success came with this show. If you got to have a one-shot, it may as well be one of the biggest shows of all time. Jacobs is the man who originally visualized the characters (loosely based on folks he went to high school with) and he’s there to provide that input. Presuming the writing and music credit on Grease is for real, he’s probably there to provide voice input as well.

Kathleen Marshall: Filling the role of token chick judge is Kathleen Marshall, director of the final product. Her Broadway credits include choreography for Little Shop Of Horrors, 1776, and Kiss Me Kate’s revival and director of Wonderful Town and The Pajama Game. The Pajama Game was famous for casting Harry Connick Jr. and not much else.

David Ian: Rounding out the judges and filling the standard role of “Snarky British Judge” is the man whom, according to the show, mortgaged himself to the hilt to fund the original London showing of Grease. His only Broadway credit is two month run of the musicalized version of Saturday Night Fever but, according to his Wikipedia page, he is “the most powerful man in UK theatre”. He will be putting up the money for the production.

The judges will add an interesting dynamic to this show. In American Idol, the only person who, originally, had anything on the line was Simon. Paula and Randy were added for… actually, I have no idea what they were added for. In this show, the judges all have input into the final show. The writer knows the character better than anyone, the director who has to manage these messes, and the producer who is, supposedly, staking ten million dollars and his reputation. Whereas Paula, Randy, and Simon really have no stake in what happens to the contestants on American Idol, the viewer is led to believe all of the judges on Grease have something to lose. It’s an interesting dynamic and one that will likely lead to conflict later on.

The Hosts

To differentiate itself from Idol, Grease has taken the bold step of having TWO hosts. Hold on to your burritos, folks.

Billy Bush: The Ryan Seacrest knockoff. Much like Ryan, I have no idea what this guy is going to bring to the table.

Denise Van Outen: Apparently employed to interact with the contestants, Van Outen was a former musical theater actress who was passed over for a part in Grease by David Ian. Good times.

In the first show, the two hosts filled the role of “people who described the tough times the contestants had to get to the audition.” They also were able to record “thrill of victory” and “agony of defeat.”

The Show

More or less sticking with the theme of blatantly copying American Idol, the special “90-Minute Premiere” Episode shows the first auditions in Los Angeles and Chicago (the birthplace of Grease). The first part is familiar; lines of people wait outside for a chance to perform in front of the judges. After passing muster with their voice, they pass on to the dance audition the next day. The choreographer puts together an easy routine that the contestants are asked to learn in an hour and then asked to perform in front of the judges. The judges then decide who goes on to Grease Academy. Grease Academy will probably be the show’s heavy drama as people try to learn to dance while singing in key. This is probably where we’ll get the most tears and the “this was my dream and I can’t handle it” tantrums. I also appreciate the shameless attempt to create a catchphrase for this show, with the Snarky British Judge dismissing people with “You Are Not Danny” or “You Are Not Sandy” depending on who gets dismissed or “You’re the one that we want” if they pass to the next round.

Should the show make it to the live performance part, I’m interested to see the format. I also can’t wait to see Broadway Critics roll out their finest smug to crucify this show, regardless of quality.

The Bad

I was going to attempt to get through this without making my hatred for Grease an issue, but it’s relevant. Since at least half of the people trying out for the show know how to go to an audition, most of them prepare songs from the show itself. This lends itself to repetitiveness as most of the women seem to go for There Are Worse Things I Could Do. On Idol, the people who know what they’re doing pick a song that’s best for them and sing it. On this show, the people who know what they’re doing do the same thing, except if they really know what they’re doing, they choose one of the songs from the musical.

And, this problem is only going to get worse. No matter how the live part of this show gets formatted, the contestants are going to have to perform numbers from the musical. If they force them to ALL perform the same numbers in the same night, it’s going to be a nightmare of boring. If they all perform different numbers on different nights, you won’t get fair voting. If they perform numbers from other musicals (the all-important “song choice” from American Idol) they likely won’t get the practice they need to open the show on Broadway by August.

Secondly, I can see where the dancing audition will be incredibly boring for the home audience. In fairness, the show itself apparently realized this as the dancing auditions are glossed over. They’re mentioned in passing as “this is something the contestants are going to need to learn how to do to win” while being shown in a five-minute montage. Really, the dancing is going to come across a distant third after their look and their pipes. If they’re remotely competent, they’ll get passed through. It’s easier to teach dance than singing in tune.

Thirdly, look is going to be more important in this show than Idol. We know a few things about the final twelve already. If the girl is overweight or old, she’s not going to get cast as a hot high school student. This was proven even on the first show, as the girl who was the best singer and spent time as a dancer was passed over. Why? Because she’s brunette, overweight, and 30. She isn’t Sandy. The guy who played Danny in his high school musical got passed over because he’s skinny and not tough looking, evne though he knows the part cold. There’s not going to be the element of “anyone can win” because you’re not going to see an overweight black dude or a salt-and-pepper haired guy win. We know what the character is supposed to look like, so we know what the top twelve are going to look like. There’s no underdog.

Finally, the people who go to the Manhattan audition next week are going to probably define the show. This is not meant to be standard New York City smug, it’s just that this city is LOADED with musical theater majors looking for their big break. We call them waiters. If there was any notice at all about this show anywhere, the Manhattan audition is going to be packed with musical theater majors trying to get any exposure and resume building they can get their mustard-stained hands on. The musical theater majors, honestly, will likely blow away the “regular joes” who go out for this show, regardless of if they come out of Chicago, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Toronto, or anywhere else with a Broadway. The people who already know how to sing in key while bouncing around are always going to beat out people who don’t. This is another separation from Idol. Musical Theatre is not singing. Not everyone can walk in off the street and do it.

The Summary

Regardless of the four problems I foresee, I saw enough in the first episode that I’ll be back next week. I like the concept, even if I dislike the musical. I understand the selection, as it’s an easily identified musical with a movie everyone has seen. It’s also a low-risk investment for the people putting up the money. Frankly, a Grease revival is going to do just fine regardless of how they cast the roles. This show is just nationwide advertising. As much as I hate the musical, I’m tremendously interested in the process.

Whether or not it appeals to non-musical fans is the question. I’m skeptical, but I’ll be with it for the season.

I’m going to take the opportunity to write this while the Giants have not yet been eliminated from the playoffs. As a fan of a team in the NFC East, I’m contractually obligated to hate the three other teams in the division (it’s true, a representative shows up at your house when you buy a piece of paraphernalia with paperwork). I hate the Cowboys far more than the other two teams. There are a host of reasons for this: they’ve been the best, most consistent team in the division during my lifetime, they’ve been Giant-killers more times than I care to recall, Michael Irvin, Jerry Jones, their fans are as patently obnoxious as Yankee fans (even more so considering their insistence that championships won in the NFL before the creation of the Super Bowl don’t really count since they didn’t give out fancy trophies before then and their mind-numbing justifications for this argument), having to listen to Troy Aikman or Moose Johnson announce Giant games, and I’m going to stop there because I could go on. All that being said, the ending of the Seahawks/Cowboys playoff game could not have been more delicious if it was topped with a hint of cinnamon.

At the end of the season, Tony Romo was what we thought he was (with respect to Denny Green), a pretty decent quarterback who had a really good month. He’s also a guy who might never recover from this game.

When Drew Bledsoe got benched, Romo rose to the occasion. Much like a rookie pitcher who runs off a quick five wins before people catch up to him, Romo confused some defensive coordinators at first and why wouldn’t he? Up until him, defensive coordinators playing the Cowboys were planning on rushing Drew Bledsoe and forcing him to make bad decisions. That’s how you beat Drew, it’s well known. Suddenly, the Cowboys had a quarterback who could move around in the pocket and could land short, quick passes before pressure got to him. What people were forgetting, or choosing to ignore, was that Bledsoe beat Romo for the starting job at the beginning of the season for a reason. Had Romo been the better quarterback, Romo would have won the starting job.

In the course of only three months, Tony Romo has gone from the guy Cowboy fans could wait to see, to Dallas’s season-saver, to a shaky rookie, to a guy who delivered the first Stomach Punch Loss* to the Cowboys since the Leon Lett Field Goal Debacle of ’93. In my “I hate the national sports media” kind of way, I find this tremendous. I love it when media darlings don’t perform up to their hype. I love when Peyton Manning fails (although, now it’s almost getting to the point that, because everyone thinks he’s a choker, I want him to win), I love when Donovan McNabb fails, I love that B-Roth had an awful year, I love when Brett Favre fails, and I doubly love it when Tony Romo failed. I would much rather see an under the radar, low key, underdog guy comes through. This is why, if or when the Giants lose, I’d love to see Drew Brees or Steve McNair end up coming through.

*- I know some of my readership hates Bill Simmons, but the “Levels of Losing” column is the best thing he’s ever written. And, while I know the Field Goal Debacle of ‘93 was a meaningless game in the grand scheme of things since the Cowboys won the Super Bowl that year, every Cowboy fan remembers that game. One can also make an argument that this game is a Level One, That Game Loss on the chart. I contend that a game can only go on the “That Game” level if the subject has to become a hermit in Montana following the game. Bill Buckner, Steve Bartman, and Scott Norwood are subjects to That Game losses.

I just wanted to put this up tonight so I could say:

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!!!! MY TEAM IS STILL IN THE PLAYOFFS AND THE COWBOYS AREN’T. SUCK IT, T.O. SUCK IT, JERRY! SUCK IT, ONE AND ALL! HAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!

And I’m done.

Since I couldn’t afford plane tickets to go to the World Series Of Beer Pong 2 this year, I bought tickets to see Les Miserables. As I said in my old blog (currently lost in the ether as I try to figure out how to transfer a Wordpress ARchive to Movable type), one of the things I’ve discovered down here that I enjoy is various culturey crap that I never would have gone to upstate. A couple of weeks ago I went to see the New York Philharmonic and this week, Les Miz.

Officially, Les Miz is the best musical I’ve ever seen, rocketing to the top spot and knocking Rent to Second place.

One thing I’ve realized after going to two shows in the last couple of weeks (Along with the touring version of Aida over Thanksgiving) is that I loathe crowds. Not in the “Oh my god, the walls are closing in” kind of way, but more in the “Oh my god, if that woman in front of me coughs one more time I’m going to give her a violent tracheotomy” kind of way. I wondered why, in the last few years, I’d completely stopped going to movies, and going to three “artsy” shows in the last six weeks opened my eyes. The reason I stopped going to theaters is simply that I can’t stand being around people, especially when I can wait three months and see it on DVD in the comfort of my own couch, at my own volume, without a running commentary going on behind me.

In honor of my new discovery, I’d like to present the top five people whom I’d like to scald with a cup of hot coffee during a show at which I paid more the $100 to see.

5) Coughers: I do understand that the tourists (and, to be fair, some of the locals) need to buy their tickets months in advance to go to a show. This is why I don’t put these people higher on the list. When you bought the ticket in May, you probably didn’t know you’d have the whooping cough come January. Since Broadway isn’t huge on “refunds” and since you might live in Yahoosville, Idaho for 51 weeks out of the year, you suck it up and go to the show. I understand. What I don’t understand is why people haven’t discovered the benefit of “cough drops” or “Thera-flu” to help them get the gagging under control. And, if you don’t bring it under control, could it be possible to, I dunno, cough under your breath instead of sounding like you’re trying to expel a whole chicken breast? That would be excellent. The orchestra already has a percussionist… it doesn’t help if you try to cough to the beat, either. While some might find it fun, most others want to kill you.

4) Eaters: I know that 2.5 hours is a long time to go without stuffing Raisenettes down your gullet, but seriously. Why do people fail to realize that trying to get out a Dorito slowly doesn’t make it quieter, it just makes noise for longer? Surprisingly enough, people don’t seem to wait to until loud parts of the musical, but instead find it necessary to open their sealed Coke, SLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWLY, during the exact moment when the orchestra goes down and the singer is trying to have an emotional moment. Nothing says “my love just died” like listening to CO2 sizzle out of bottle. But, naturally, it’s much quieter and better if you do it slowly instead of just ripping it open. The long, slow, loud hiss is much better than the single quick loud hiss.

3) Late-Comers: Obviously you think you’re far too important, and you want everyone to realize you’re important, but why do you spend hundreds of dollars on musical tickets and walk in an hour late? At that point, why bother? No one thinks you’re important for blowing off your expensive tickets until an hour into the performance, in fact, they all think you’re assholes. If you show up in an “I’m so important” suit, you just scored double asshole points. Congratulations. This also goes for people who also just can’t make it to Intermission without going to the bathroom. They have drugs for that now, look into them.

2) Cell-Phoners & Talkers: Surprisingly enough, I’m not interested in your running commentary or if you think the little kid in the musical is so cute. I don’t need to hear you ask your friend “what instrument that is” or “who did it”. To answer your question, yes I think that guy is probably gay, he’s a dancer. Here’s a hint, genius, unless you pay attention, you’re not going to follow a musical. Also, if you’re talking to your buddy gal, the people next to you, in front of you, and behind you can all hear your conversation, and we paid money to hear the people on the stage, not behind us. Also, there is a special level of hell reserved for people who take out their cell phone and check the time. You’re not so important that you can’t go three hours without getting a phone call. You can tell Buffy what shade of lip gloss to wear at 10pm and, if you can’t, she’ll just have to man up and decide on your own. You realize, when you’re talking over something people specifically paid money to hear, the only thing keeping you not murdered is the fact it would raise more of a ruckus? Keep in mind, when you’re talking, the person in front of you could be two seconds from jamming their housekeys in your eye and it’s likely no one sitting around you would stop him.

1) People who bring kids who obviously don’t want to be there: You know what I didn’t want to do when I was eight years old? Sit and watch a musical. If your kid can’t sit still through dinner; guess what? Sitting still in a dark theater for three hours isn’t for them. I don’t care if you think exposing your kid to culture will make them more well rounded. It won’t. In fact, they won’t even remember it by the time they go across the street to the giant Toys R Us in Times Square. That’s all they’re thinking about. If you give them candy or food to shut them up, congratulations, you just went off the chart by also joining category four and, if you scold them, you’re in category two, also. People in this category are the same people who bring little Timmy angel to a nice restaurant and continue having their meal while little Timmy is running around the restaurant playing pirate while people in suits and gowns are trying to eat their overpriced steak and laughing at unfunny stock market jokes. Timmy should be moved to an orphanage, or to whatever nanny takes care of him if she wants him while mom and dad are euthanized. Really, it’s better for everyone in the long run. Just because you don’t hear your angel when he incessantly whines doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t. Quick litmus test, if little Madison needs toys to stay occupied while you’re out for more than a minute, little Madison needs to stay home for another year, you inconsiderate douchebag.

This is why I have Netflix. My goal in life, now, is to be rich enough to have private theater performances.

So, I’ve been disgusted with Wordpress for about six months now. Right around that time I decided it would be super smart to write my own blog. Then we got purchased by a giant company that shall remain nameless who can lay an ownership claim to any software I write even if it’s outside work (bless corporate America) so I stopped.

So, now I’m going to try out Movable Type for 2007 and see how that works out.