One New York Life

1) I hate when TV shows “kill characters off” at the end of a season and then they’re in the credits the following year. Chloe’s and Lana’s appearance in both the DVD preview screens and the credits kind of ruined the surprise. Also being introduced this season — Jimmy Olsen and Supergirl. Annette O’Toole is gone as Martha Kent’s senate seat will keep her occupied. By the end of the first episode, everyone’s alive and Bizarro is, for now, handled. Weirdly, Bizarro can fly. I’m very curious as to the writers’ purposes for keeping Clark grounded for so long. I don’t know if it’s ultimately a handy plot point for them that he can’t fly or if it’s actually an homage to the pre-flight Superman’s comic book existence. Every other Kryptonian who has come to Earth can immediately fly. All the bad guys, Clark’s father, even Supergirl emerges from her ship with the ability. It’s a weird, as yet unexplained plot device.

2) I got a cool appearance by Dean Cain as they nearly complete the history of living Supermen. Cain plays a professor (Curtis Knox… CK… cute) who is immortal and is attempting to harvest Kryptonite saturated organs to make his wife immortal. This was kind of a bizarre little episode. Knox is introduced as an immortal something who’s been alive for at least 1500ish years (he claimed to have fought Mayans, might have been Napoleon, claimed to be Jack The Ripper, was in the Nazi party) and he’s just weirdly and inexplicably disposed of by the Martian Manhunter with: “Your father and I had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it came to crime and punishment. I suggest we abide by the same rules.” I understand they wanted to give Cain some kind of Superman-esque character with powers and abilities and he probably only wanted to do one episode. But it made the whole thing feel weirdly disjointed, poorly explained, and bad.

3) Season 7 is pretty much the transitional season between the high school relationships and the way we know the characters later in Metropolis. Lois Lane transitions from army brat to tabloid reporter to Daily Planet star reporter. Lex transitions to all-out evil. Lana transitions to the left behind, kinda-evil high school sweetheart. Lana gets a taste of Clark’s powers via the green kryptonite + electricity power transfer callback to season one. Although, in this case, the contact doesn’t occur for long enough to sap Clark’s powers. In this case, Lana simply gains Clark’s powers without it affecting him. Admittedly, this does lead to a funny sequence in which Smallville is rocked by an earthquake when Clark and Lana do the superpowered nasty. Then it, predictably, veers off to the human gets superpowers and goes on a vengeance-fueled revenge trip storyline. This forces Clark to take his powers back from Lana via another dose of green kryptonite and electricity. One wonders how that worked since the green meteor rock and electricity has only transferred powers in the past and, since they both have powers, it shouldn’t actually steal or grant powers from either but details, details. This led to the best example of one of the season’s themes — that being Clark’s indignation about how his friends deal with bad guys differently. His friends are more willing to work outside justice (Lana would have killed Lex) while Clark wouldn’t. Summed up by a speech from Lana filled with enough passive-aggressive guilt to make a Jewish-mom proud: “Every transgression that I have made, you have answered with a hypocritical judgment. No one can live up to your self-righteous standards. Do you know what it’s like to wake up every morning knowing that you’re going to be a failure in the eyes of the only person you’ve ever loved.” Clark, to his credit, had no time for her shenanigans. “And you’re the one who fell in love with [Lex Luthor]. And then [Bizarro Clark].” Own it, Superman!

4) Speaking of evil people with powers, it was nice that the show got back to some bad guys and meteor freaks and away from the heavy Lex/Lana craziness plot from last season. I liked that Chloe changed her tune about a marginalized minority after she became one and wouldn’t allow people to call them “meteor freaks” anymore. At least the characters are consistent, even Pete’s return (who hasn’t been seen since leaving for Topeka in season three) and semi-heel turn. My complaint here, though, is Chloe’s oddly unexplained and poorly fleshed out meteor ability. In last season’s finale, Chloe’s tears brought Lois back to life. Chloe died after the healing, but her body eventually absorbed the injury. She wakes up, back to life, laying in a morgue drawer. Later, she demonstrates the ability to Jimmy and it seems to hurt her a little but she doesn’t take on the cut. Later, she brings Lex back to life and stays dead for a little bit longer. Then, before this ability is ever really fully explored or tested, she loses it when Brainiac does… something to her… and it’s never mentioned again. More like: “oh well, it’s gone. Yay, I can’t heal massive injuries to my Superhero friends anymore.” A victim of the writer’s strike?

5) We get introduced to a new Kryptonite color. This season gives us blue kryptonite which has the same power-stripping abilities of the green kryptonite rock without the unfortunate side effects of sickness and death. Clark finds a Kryptonian, Dax-Ur, who has been living in secret on Earth with a family for years. He uses a blue kryptonite bracelet to suppress his powers so he can have a normal life. This is an important plot point as Supergirl has a crystal which, when brought to the fortress, generated a clone of Supergirl’s evil father Zor-El and Clark’s mother Lara-El. Lara has a “family ring” which contains a piece of blue Kryptonite which Clark couldn’t remove. Since the blue rock was in the irremovable ring, Clark was effectively powerless while Zor-El decided to take over the world. This, of course, begs the question of why Clark wouldn’t just cut his ring finger off to save the world from Zor-El. First, the cost of a finger is not too much for Superman to save the world and second, wouldn’t Superman’s regenerative abilities just restore the missing finger once he was away from the kryptonite? This also opens up a whole additional pile of questions as Dax-Ur, with his suppressed abilities, fathered a child with a human woman. His son, Max, is never on screen but I would imagine that the blue kryptonite bracelet does not turn his, um, genetic material human. Which means Kryptonian DNA is compatible with humans. Unless Max is adopted, Clark might want to, I don’t know, keep an eye out for the Superhero little kid since he’s directly responsible for his father’s death?

6) One of the crazier plot points this season, Julian Luthor isn’t dead. Lex and his mother faked Julian’s death so Lionel Luthor wouldn’t be able to ruin him, too. Or not… as we later found out, Lex was able to clone him in a lab and, surprise, Julian wants a relationship with his father. Julian turns on Lex to try and build a relationship with Lionel and Lex’s first overtly evil act on the show is to arrange Julian’s murder. A good chunk of this season is Lex’s final (and great) transition to the dark side. The first warning shot being last season’s arrangement of Lana’s fake pregnancy, the war starting with Julian’s death, continuing with arranging the murder of Dr. Virgil Swann’s daughter, and the final being throwing his father from the top of Luthorcorp, completing the circle of patricide. In case the viewer didn’t fully get the point, Lex has a vision of throwing Alexander (the little, red-haired child who’s appeared a few times as what remains of Lex’s goodness) in to the Luthor Mansion fireplace and lighting him on fire. The Lex/Clark friendship gasps its last breath as the two of them exchange a cold look over Lionel Luthor’s grave.

7) It also appears that Smallville isn’t quite done with Spike. James Marsters returns again as Brainiac, continuing to get more evil and hatching a plot that won’t fully come to fruition until next season. This was probably the best season for villains. Bizarro, fully evil Lex, and Brainiac all appear as super bad guys for some amount of time. Dean Cain’s appearance as Knox was pretty good and that’s before we even consider Lionel’s final plotting. Great stuff.

8) I had two huge issues with this season, plot-wise. The first one is the complete and total retconning of parts of three seasons by introducing the Veritas project. The Veritas group was a collection of the Luthors, the Swanns (played by Christopher Reeve), the Teagues (played by Jensen Ackles and Jane Seymour in season 4), and the Queens (Green Arrow’s parents) who were preparing the Earth for the arrival of a Traveler from space. That’s why Lionel Luthor was in Smallville on the day of the meteor shower. Dr. Swann figured out all this was coming and received an orb from Jor-El (I think) to “control” the Traveler. The nature of this “control” is unclear, but it seems that if Dr. Swann knew of this artifact that could control a superpowered being and render him dangerous to the world, he might have, I dunno, told Clark about it before he died. Especially since it might fall in to the wrong hands? Swann has been cast as a pretty bright guy who wanted to help Clark and, before now, it seems like he’s smart enough that he wouldn’t be OK with Lionel Luthor getting his hands on something that would weaponize Clark.

9) The second huge problem that I had with the season was there was an AWFUL lot of government intrigue going on around Luthorcorp and Clark. Like, the murder of a US Senator, research in to an alien craft by Luthorcorp, the study of the Brainiac project within the federal government. Project Scion at Luthorcorp. All of this goes on while MARTHA CLARK IS A US SENATOR!! I understand they needed a way to write her off the show, but they might have restrained themselves from putting her in to one of the 100 most powerful seats in the country and then have federal government intrigue going on all over Kansas. Like, Martha is really going to be clueless to all of the Luthorcorp shenanigans going on in her state’s biggest city? Really? She is, apparently, either the worst senator ever or extremely crooked.

10) I also was somewhat confused with Clark’s traveling back in time to save Kara from Brainiac on Krypton. Then, somehow, Brainiac ends up in Kara’s body with Kara seemingly dead? It seemed impossible all that could happen in the three seconds Clark’s back was turned while under a red sun. But the season finally ended with Lex finding the Kryptonian artifact that could control Clark and using it to bring the Fortress down around the both of them, ending the season with both of them presumed dead. Again, it’s really unclear what the orb is supposed to do. Jor-El sent it to Dr. Swann, who hid it with a long list of clues, even though two people had keys to a safe-deposit box where it was hidden. It all seemed somewhat, I don’t know, contrived.

Final Thought: Save for a bunch of weird plot holes and things that were just abjectly dropped, this season was 100x better then last year. By Writer’s Strike Year standards, this was as award-winning season of scripted television. It seemed like there were a bunch of plot-holes and retcons introduced, though. I guess I still have to see how they eventually work out.

If you follow the Twitter feed, you may have seen that I’m currently 200 miles from my laptop and that it’s slowly killing me.

The more I thought this game during the week, the more I tried to make a case for the Saints. The problem is that if you have to try this hard to make a case then there’s no way you can really make the pick. Everything about this season has broke the Colts’ way. As much as my picking compatriots have goofed on it, should the Colts win, we’ll be talking for years about how they should be undefeated. How they laid down for the Jets “to prevent injury” before playing their starters in a snowy disaster in Buffalo. And somehow the Patriots have remained the heel team.

Anyway, the Colts have had a blessed season. Manning has just been too good and I simply don’t see how he doesn’t sweep the MVPs this season. Colts cover. Sorry Matt.

Samuel Adams Coastal Wheat

Brewed By: Samuel Adams
Brewed In: Boston, MA/Cincinnati, OH
ABV: Not specified, I’m going to guess low
Type: Wheat Ale

What they say: Hazy and Golden in color, this brew is a fresh twist on the popular Hefeweizen style. Eureka and Lisbon lemons, from three growing regions in California, balance out the wheat malt character, resulting in a crisp and refreshing wheat ale with subtle lemon flavor. Cheers

Website: Complaints about the website aside, I couldn’t find this beer on it. It’s a new beer in Winter Classics 2009 and information for it is pretty scattered around the web.

Why I picked it: The second of six beers in the Sam Adams Winter Classics 2009 sampler pack. It’s also the only new beer included in the pack.

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Presentation (5): Nothing Earth-shattering here. It’s the generic Samuel Adams labeling for spring/summer offerings. This one is blue in the center and ringed with yellow. The coloring and style is nearly identical to the Summer Ale labeling. It’s the mirror image with the same basic color palette. 2

Originality (5): It’s not exactly a hefeweizen and not exactly a wheat. It’s something in between. If I had to guess, they took their Hefeweizen recipe, increased the lemons, and actually filtered it. I can appreciate mixing up the recipe a bit to see what happens. 4

Body (10): “Twist on a Hefeweizen” appears to mean “Hefeweizen flavor without chunks of floating stuff.” The cloudy, golden color to the body is similar to the hefeweizen but I, for one, am a fan of the lack of yeasty chunks. Blending the Hefeweizen with the generally more masses-friendly Wheat Ale gives the beer a nice, crisp finish and and strong carbonation that, when combined with the lightness with the body, makes for a really drinkable beer. By blending out some of the more severe notes of the hefeweizen, the texture here is much more appetizing. 6

Taste (10): Very distinct lemon flavor that doesn’t quite go over in to “tastes and smells like Lemon Pledge” territory. It shares the crisp, refreshing flavor of most lemony wheat beers without falling prey to the syrupy oversweetness trap that some beers of this type fall in to. This beer simply lets the lemon be the star and balances out the citrus-crispness with the wheat malt. It works better than I expected. 9

Efficiency (10): Tough to rate here without knowing the ABV. Both their Hefeweizen and Cherry Wheat offerings are 5.4% so I’m going to assume this is right around there. For the moment, this beer is only available in the Winter Classics sampler but it smells like a preview for a new permanent offering. If it truly is 5.4%, and I’m going to work under the assumption that it is, then it’s an extremely easy beer to drink combined with (probably) a reasonable Samuel Adams price and an OK ABV. We like those three factors when they fall in that configuration. 7

Versatility (10): This is a great summer offering. It’s light, refreshing, and delicious. It’s a much more group-friendly flavor than Hefeweizen and something that the Coors Light crowd could even grow to love. 8

The Snob Sez: Odd choice to include in a winter offering sampler. Everything about this beer, from the colors on the packaging, to the name “coastal”, to the flavor screams “Summer Beer.” I would think, if Sam wanted to preview this, they would have included it in this year’s Summer Styles or Brewmaster Collection samplers. Out of place in a winter offering, but I look forward to seeing it placed in future Brewmasters’ Collection six-packs.

Final Score: 34 (of 50) – Good beer

Host: Sigourney Weaver (2): This is Sigourney Weaver’s first hosting gig since 1986, making it the longest gap between hosting gigs in the show’s history. Fun fact, she previously hosted the Season 12 premiere, which was the beginning of the Phil Hartman/Dana Carvey/Dennis Miller/Kevin Nealon cast many of us in our 30s remember fondly. Season 11 of SNL was so bad (featuring the frequently forgotten cast of Robert Downey Jr, Joan Cusack, and Anthony Michael Hall) that the show was nearly canceled. The entire cast, save for Miller, Nora Dunn, and Jon Lovitz was fired and Madonna read a “press release” in the Season 12 opening borrowing a plot point from Dallas and stating the entire previous season was just a bad, bad dream. I digress. Weaver’s monologue was a bit odd, though she did do a bit about her dad (Pat Weaver, former president of NBC) inventing The Tonight Show.

Musical Guest: The Ting Tings (1). I hated this. I don’t follow indie music. I don’t like it and I don’t think crazy, experimental stuff and bad singing over a drummer with a synth machine is good. What I do know is that there’s no such thing as not liking indie music… there is just not getting it. So I’ll defer to Radio Exile.

Best Skit: ESPN Classics: Ladies’ Darts sponsored by Summer’s Eve — Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink get their third appearance of the season. This event’s sponsor is Summer’s Eve………….. DOUCHE. Better then the last one, still not quite as good as the first one. But we do get to see Pete Stink try to describe how to use douche. Which is nice.

Honorable Mention: Internet Buzz — Sigourney and friends watch the Golden Globes, but Sigourney has a new laptop and just discovered Internet Message Boards. She takes them a little too seriously. It’s a funny concept that works because of Weaver’s age. That’s probably offensive to say. “There’s a video of me from the first Alien movie and someone named Cylon57 just wrote “Dat Ass”. That’s good right? He also wrote something racist about Barack Obama but he likes me, right?”

Line of the Week: Greg Twinkle: “When your situation down south makes him breathe through his mouth: Summer’s Eve……………………… DOUCHE.”

Character of the Week: Avatar — I’ll give character of the week to this whole sketch. I didn’t really get but I haven’t seen the movie. The, um, coarseness still made me laugh. Besides, “it’s like revenge sex with a puma” really crosses all cultures.

Worst Skit: Riley — A new character for Fred Armisen. I don’t really get it. I think he’s supposed to be a little kid that inappropriately curses who might be gay because he likes pink, sequined hat? I don’t know, just didn’t work for me.

Should Have Been Funnier: The cold open with Larry King (Armisen) interviewing Jay Leno (Hammond) and Conan O’Brien (Hader). Darrel Hammond finally returns for a Leno impersonation that was surprisingly lackluster though I’m happy to see these impressionists calling Leno out for his “have you heard about this? have you seen this” method of joke-telling. For 15 years I haven’t gotten the Leno thing. I still don’t. The best part of this sketch was the Sudekis’s impersonation of Letterman because he did nothing but giggle, adjust his glasses, and throw pencils at the camera. Spot on.

Digital Short: Laser Cats V — This time, James Cameron tries to sell Laser Cats to Lorne Michaels. There are certainly some more Avatar jokes in here that I’m not getting.

Weekend Update

• The first “guest segment” was Seth doing a long analogy on the Leno/Conan debacle comparing it to a guy who told his current wife that he’s totally going to divorce her and marry someone else in five years. I liked the bit, I was really expecting/hoping there would be some kind of gimmick where Jimmy Fallon (good) or Chevy Chase (better) came to “take their job back” on the Weekend Update desk. He even made reference to it with the eventual punchline: “If Jay can take his job back from Conan, then Conan can take his job back from Jimmy, and then Jimmy can come and take his job back from me, and I can’t go back to being in a sketch once every six weeks.” It seemed like Fallon would be the obvious choice but, alas, nothing doing.
• Larry The Goose 1 year later: Andy Samberg revisits Larry the Goose, still mourning the loss of the geese slaughtered by Captain Sullenberger during the Miracle on the Hudson. “You call it the Miracle on the Hudson. We call it the day the crazy loud big thing came at us out of nowhere.” “That’s not very poetic.” “It sounds better in goose!” This is way funnier then it had any right to be and further proof that Samberg, somehow, has the ability to make everything he’s in 12% funnier.
• Abbey Elliot as Meryl Streep: Proving, if anything, that Abbey could look good in a burlap sack. The point is to make fun of Meryl Streep’s self-deprecation and overhumility. She can’t admit to being the best at everything but still won two Oscars while sitting at the desk for Best Hummus and Best Update.
• “Frigid temperatures in Florida are threatening the state’s citrus crops which make up 40% of the world’s Orange Juice supply, so I guess diners will start serving it in even tinier glasses.” Possibly only funny if you’re from the Northeast. So, option two: “A man in Canada who won the legal right to own a tiger was mauled by that tiger in the most clear cut case ever of you win some you lose some.”

Final Thought: There was more good then bad here, including a new Keenan sketch called Disco Booty Junction which was a somewhat funny mash-up of Deep House Dish and What Up Wit’ Dat. Above average episode which will probably end up pretty forgettable this season placed in the dead of January.

I’ve become somewhat enamored with BBC America. I hesitate to say that in crowds because I feel like it comes off snooty. “Why no, I don’t watch your pithy American television. I only watch the Beeb, mate.” I know that’s not what I’m saying but I’m pretty sure that’s how it sounds. Anyway, on weekend nights they have air actual BBC shows. I got caught up with Robin Hood a few months ago and, during a recent episode of Kitchen Nightmares, I saw ads Demons. The show’s about the descendant of Abraham Van Helsing. The show is built from the premise that Bram Stoker’s novel was non-fiction. The Van Helsings and Harkers were actual families, their descendants live in England, and Dr. Van Helsing was a demon hunter. Luke Abraham discovers he’s the last Van Helsing. His father was killed during a “business trip” and Luke lives a relatively normal life until his Godfather returns and reveals his legacy. Luke’s father wasn’t so much “accidentally killed on a business trip” as he was “murdered by demons.”

The Good

• Nothing is better than BBC shows (and, really, Premiership Games) for learning new expressions. Instead of “you’re crazy” I can now use “you’re takin’ a piss.” God bless British people.
• Much like in the Buffy universe, I was happy to see that demons in this world also all automatically know karate. I’m not sure whether or not all the allusions to Whedon’s universe are on purpose or not. The older gentleman who guides Luke’s training and teaches him stuff is named Rupert. Also, Mina Harker is a character on the show, who was bitten by Dracula in the novel. If we’re taking the show from the premise that Stoker’s book is non-fiction, then I’ll have to assume she is this world’s Angel/Angelus.
• I really do love the concept. Why not? It’s similar to how most of these show’s are set-up. All this stuff goes on around us all the time but we don’t see it because we don’t expect it. Or, as Rupert puts it “people say you’re never more than 20 feet from a rat. They outnumber humans 7 to 1. But how often do you see one?”

The Bad

• The show has the weirdest theme song ever. It opens with this heavy, British scene of a boarding school. A little demon breaks in to the school and murders a teacher, throwing her out the window in to the street. The tense moment then breaks in to this theme song. Which totally took me out of the moment and made me start laughing.
• Luke’s girlfriend Zoe (Holliday Grainger) runs right on the border of being really annoying. Her role is to put the group in danger by being relatively dumb. Like, getting handed a gun and being told to “shoot the demons” and then not being able to do so and getting attacked. I couldn’t figure out where she was from and then I realized she’s been in EVERY BBC show I’ve watched. She appeared in both Merlin and Robin Hood. Anyway, I do hope the character gets smarter as the series progresses. I understand she’s there to be the love interest/foil for Mina Harker but, at the point when one sees the love of their life being attacked by demons, it might be nice to snap out of the nonsense.
• The demon cannon fodder annoyed me for a good portion of the episode. They’re cat-faced monsters who wear dirty hoodies and sweatpants and are used by greater demons to create fight scenes and get killed. I couldn’t place why their movements annoyed me so much until it realized they moved and attacked exactly like Putties from the Power Rangers complete with the senseless jumping around and dragging their arms along the ground. There’s no way I’m going to find a clip on Youtube by searching for “Demons”, but you’ll have to take my word for it.

The Rest

I immensely enjoyed the first episode of this show. But, sadly, it’s the BBC. Their shows aren’t 22-episode seasons. Instead, most of their shows are 6-12 episode series. There is only one “series” of this show which means six episodes. By the time I get in to it, the show’s going to be over. I understand it’s the British format but jeez it sucks — especially when I find something I like.

The next show is called “Survivors.” From what I gather, it’s essentially the same setup as Stephen King’s The Stand. A group of people coming together after a superflu wipes out most of Europe.

Host: John Hamm (2). Jon Hamm’s John Ham — a roll of toilet paper that was also delicious ham — was my favorite part of his last hosting gig. This year’s monologue was about his previous acting gigs. It included the little known fact that a guest appearance on Def Comedy Jam got him Mad Men. Hamm is a really good host so far and I hope he joins the Baldwin Club of guys who come back often.

Musical Guest: Michael Buble (1). PLR’s been a fan for a while. I filed him under “Sinatra Rip-off” pretty early (since the first few songs I heard were, in fact, Sinatra covers). Recently his stuff has gotten more modern. I had a long discussion about him with someone last night and he made the point that it takes a certain type of guy to just go completely outside the box and get big band stuff over as pop music. By the end of the conversation, I totally agreed. I still have to be in the right mood to listen to him. First song was the type of stuff from him I like. The second was more throwbacky and I didn’t.

Best Skit: Hamm and Buble — A commercial for a fine new restaurant called Hamm and Buble (pronounced Bubbly) which specializes in delicious pork dishes and champagne. This is involuntary on Michael Buble’s part who’s pretty sure it’s a bad idea but is scared of Jon Hamm. I thought they might put Buble in a sketch since he has subbed for Regis on Regis and Kelly and it worked really well. I know this is a joke… but I’d go here. I might not order the champagne with floating pork, but, well, yes I would. I also loved the Barnes and Noble American Entrepreneurs skit, but it’s probably only funny if you live in a city.

Honorable Mention: New Senator — The Senate democratic leadership discusses their recent defeat in Massachusetts. Barbara Boxer and Nancy Pelosi fantasize about him since he’s, you know, Senate Hot. And by “Senate Hot” I mean, you know, not over 85 years old. California, sending batsh*t crazy ladies to federal office and proving both the Senate’s and Electoral College’s respective cases since 1987.

Line of the Week: Barack Obama speaking on jobs in the State Of The Union open: “This week, I’m going to sign legislation ending the ban on gays in the military. This will create 30,000 new armed services jobs and two new series on Bravo.”

Character of the Week: Tarky Fenzington. In a rare callback for SNL, they showed a commercial early featuring the Closet Organizer (which seemed to be an excuse to dress Forte up in spandex and throw things at him. Later in the night, Jon Hamm was out at a bar and recognized Forte as the Closet Organizer Guy. Not sure if this is something they’re planning on doing going forward but it might be an interesting way to keep people tuned in after Update.

Worst Skit: Court Stenographer — Fred Armisen plays an old lady court stenographer who uses a typewriter. Brutal. This might have been filed under “Should Have Been Funnier” but it just got too bad at the end.

Should Have Been Funnier: State Of The Union (cold open) — I liked a lot of this. I loved the Coakley stuff and how they crushed her for running the worst campaign ever and not knowing who Curt Schilling was in New England. I liked poking fun at the constant standing ovations. I loved the inclusion of the Brenden Frazier Clap that got play on The Soup last week. I don’t know, it just hit a huge dead spot in the middle and didn’t pick up until the close when Armisen delivered: “also there’s health care reform. To be honest, at this point, I could either way on that. If you want it, pass it… whatever, I’ll sign it. It’s your call. I really don’t care anymore.”

Digital Short: Sergio — Samberg is a stockbroker who gets cursed for stepping on a sacred talisman. He receives the Sergio curse, which makes a ripped saxophonist (Hamm) ruin his life. Great short.

Weekend Update

• Sonia Sotomayor (Nasim Pedrad): Justice Sotomayor appears to talk about both the Court’s diversity and Justice Alito’s faux pas of shaking his head in response to Obama’s faux pas of calling out the Supreme Court in the State of the Union. “For a dork like Alito that’s about as 8-Mile as it gets. It’s not like the Bronx where I’m from. You criticize someone in the Bronx they don’t mouth ‘not true.’ They take a can of gasoline and a Jesus Candle and light your cousin on fire.” I don’t know if there’s a Bronx slang definition of Jesus Candle — I can’t find it on Urban Dictionary.
• Snooki 2 (Bobby Moynihan): This time even more orange and rocking a Bedazzled Solo Cup and more obnoxious following Seth’s (and my own) disbelief that the Jersey Shore cast will be getting paid $10k/episode for season two. “We’re crazy famous now. Like Buttafuoco famous.” I’m not sure if that’s funny outside the East Coast so I’ll go with: “We’re hotter than a dog’s balls right now.” I was discussing Jersey Shore with PLR last weekend (she watches, I really don’t) and wondered at what point the MTV production crew knew that had an absolute hit on their hands.
• Lots of great lines from Seth this week. My personal favorite (as usual) is Seth’s ability to be my anti-Apple mouthpiece on a national stage with “This week Apple released a thing that does stuff that it’s other stuff already does.” He had a great bit about Obama’s appearance at the GOP meeting and just making them look foolish (“It was like scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the guy charged Indy with a sword and he just shot him”). Probably the best Weekend Update so far this season.

Final Thought: I thought this was one of the best episodes this season — at least right up there with Ryan Reynolds for top two. It’s also the second really strong appearance from Jon Hamm. Really there was only one clunker sketch (the stenographer) which, itself, even had moments. Great update, great sketches, great host, funny musical guest — just all around great stuff.

Saranac Maple Porter

Brewed By: FX Matt Brewing
Brewed In: Utica, NY
ABV: 5.3%
Type: Porter

What They Say: Saranac Maple Porter is a robust, flavorful porter reminiscent of a by-gone era. True to brewing tradition, we’ve used dark caramel and chocolate malt as well as Fuggles and East Kent Goldings hops for a smooth, yet slightly bitter, roasted flavor. Look for hints of maple syrup flavoring used in this deliciously different brew. Enjoy!

Website: The Saranac website is unchanged from last year’s 12 Beers series. They have, however, added Club Saranac. The fact Saranac has a club, a nice brewery, and a Summer Band Schedule is the one thing that would make life in Utica tolerable. I say this after having spent a week in Utica once. It was……. unpleasant.

Why I Picked It: Weirdly, the Saranac posts do pretty well on Google and, since Saranac invited me to a preview of this back in October (which I sadly couldn’t attend because it was in Utica… on a Thursday) I’ll be running this concurrently with the Samuel Adams Winter Classics review. This is beer one of six in this year’s 12 Beers Of Winter.

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Presentation (5): As we discussed last year, Saranac’s thing is double colored labels with a watercolor of some sort which may or may not have anything to do with the beer. With the rating system I used last year, I generally gave 4s if the painting had something to do with the beer and 3 if it didn’t. 4

Originality (5): I spent some trying to remember if I’ve ever seen another Maple Porter from a craft brewer. On Google, the only results ahead of Saranac’s are a homebrew recipe and a Site That Shall Not Be Named’s posting of a limited edition brew no longer in production out of Michigan. On top of that, the Saranac website calls this a “returning favorite.” I don’t recall this from a previous 12 Beers which means it probably dates back some time. Minor suggestion to Saranac — take a page from Sam and list the year a beer was first brewed and, if possible, list what collections these beers appeared in. You can’t expect us to remember it when you’re in the business of killing brain cells. 5

Body (10): Pours the color of actual maple syrup with a fairly decent head. Lacing is much more distinct then I expected. It’s thin for a porter which, given the source ingredient, is something of a surprise. If it was as thick as the bold flavor and strong ingredients would suggest, though, it would be a brick in the stomach after two. The carbonation is much higher than I originally expected but, again, given the strong flavor, the carbonation is necessary to lighten the mood. 8

Taste (10): It is… fantastic. Much like Saranac did with their Caramel Porter, they took a flavor not usually associated with beer, made it the superstar ingredient of a porter, and went with it. It smells like maple, starts with maple, sits on your tongue as maple, and finishes with same specific sweetness of real maple syrup. If there is ANY knock it’s that the taste is so strong and so distinct it would blow the doors off anything else in this sampler. However, that’s not a strike in the flavor department. 10

Efficiency (10): As per usual, Saranac’s beers come in between 5.2% and 5.5% with the reasonable cost of a beer brewed in Upstate New York. Unfortunately, this beer is the antithesis of “poundable” with a hugely-heavy flavor. Even though this really can’t be consumed quickly, the body and carbonation is a great balance to the heavy flavor. Combine with a reasonable price and it’s of serviceable efficiency. 7

Versatility (10): Many of the beers exclusive to sampler packs take a solid versatility hit due to the limited availability. This beer is packaged well in a sampler. It’s heavy and, while I don’t think I’d like a case of them, two are perfect. On the other hand, the distinct, bold maple flavor is going to turn off anyone who doesn’t like maple syrup… or doesn’t want a beer that tastes like it. 7

The Snob Sez: This is quite possibly my favorite Saranac brew outside their Caramel Porter which had graduated out of the 12 Beers to its own sixpack for a while. Great thing to try if you love maple. Terrible thing to try if you don’t.

Final Score: 41 (of 50) – Great beer

In this loosely defined premise, Mark Valley (the dead partner from Fringe), Chi McBride (Boston Public and Pushing Daisies), and Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach on Watchmen, the new Freddy Krueger) are a team of some sort. Valley’s character, Christopher Chance, is a bodyguard of sorts who protects his clients from death threats while his partner Winston (McBride) and shady character Guerrero (Haley) research the threat behind the scenes. I’m not really sure what the company does — it seems like a crazy combination of private investigator/bodyguard/hitman. The pitch must have been like the South Park Manbearpig concept. “He’s half-bodyguard, half-P.I., half-MacGyver, half-awesome — and he protects rich people from danger!” And then the pitchman flew out of the room making “whoosh” sound effects. As Chance himself says it: “I blend in to the background so that the threat feels safe and reveal themselves. When they appear, I take out the threat.” So, I guess since the threats are lethal, he has clearance to murder people like Jack Bauer?

The Good

• I can’t really get enough of Chi McBride’s sarcastic sidekick character. He plays the same character as on Pushing Daisies and, since I liked that character, I’m fine with it. And also, how in the world did this show wind up with Jackie Earle Haley? Not that it’s a bad thing or that Haley’s like an A-list actor or anything… but he was just in Watchmen, he’s about to be the new Freddy Kruger in a rebooted Nightmare on Elm Street franchise that’s certainly bound for at least three movies, and is Sinestro in the upcoming Green Lantern movie. What among those factoids leads to “be in loosely conceived Fox pilot”? Their gain, I guess.
• Tricia Helfer in the pilot joins the parade of BSG alum popping up along with Mr. Gayda on Smallville, Helo on Dollhouse, and Starbuck on 24. Although it looks like the client of the week is just going to be a rotating guest star. I guess the Client of the Week format works here.
• I’m not really sure of the relationship between Haley’s Guererro and the other two primary stars. I do, however, like his calm, shady character. The pilot’s top scene was him sitting down across from hired muscle and calmly explaining to them: “If it comes to violence, I’m going to fight back. Well, I’m not going to fight back. I’m going to take the beating because that’s all you’re authorized to do. Then, in a couple of days, I’m going to kill you in your sleep. I’ll probably hit [first guy's name] first to give [second guy's name] a couple more days with [second guy's wife's name] and [kid's name]. How do I know your names? Because your employer keeps secret things on a drive he thinks is secure, but isn’t.” I’m more interested in him then I am in the lead. Whether that’s because he’s Rorschach or not… I can’t say.

The Bad

• I really don’t get the premise. I don’t get what, exactly, he does and why it’s legal. I don’t get why it was OK for him to toss the assassin out the train so he got shredded in to ground paste against the wall. I don’t understand why he’s this suicidal and crazy. Both the beginning and end of the episode had Winston talking to Chance about how he’s either losing a step and is crazy or he wants to die. Well, why? Where did all these skills come from? Why can he speak fluent Japanese? How is it he was able to build a parachute out of seat-belts and canvas? And, I know it’s a TV show and all, but how is it OK that he can just kill people? Why can he catch bad guys?
• The pilot’s plot was so contrived that it actually took me out of the episode. Some faceless giant company builds a high speed rail-line from San Francisco to Los Angeles. On the maiden run, we discover a design flaw whereby if the emergency brakes happen to be pulled too many times and malfunction, then the WHOLE TRAIN WILL EXPLODE IF THE BRAKES ENGAGE. Really? REALLY? An $80 billion rail line funded with $62 billion in taxpayer money, which would certainly have half the state’s Congressmen, both Senators, the state’s legislature, Schwarzenegger, and every high-end investor on the maiden voyage — and JUST THEN the lead engineer (who is, of course, gorgeous Tricia Helfer) realizes that there is a design flaw that would lead to the BRAKES EXPLODING? Do you know what worked on the first airplane? F*cking everything. No intercom that wasn’t hooked up yet for plot reasons, no emergency system not online yet, no nothing. And, what would happen if this brake issue happened on the way in to Los Angeles? The train’s just going to crash in to the Los Angeles Amtrak station at 200 mph? Besides all of that, her husband decides to hire an assassin to kill her WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE ON BOARD? The assassin decides the best course is delivering her a poisoned drink? And, failing that, hunting her down with a gun? This is the best plan her husband’s assassin could come up with? I’m not an assassin, but I’m relatively certain I could come up with a better plan then this and it likely wouldn’t involve killing the woman on a train with 100 people.

The Rest

I just don’t get it. I don’t get his company and I don’t get what he’s doing. I don’t understand why he gets paid in whiskey (to avoid taxes, which isn’t true) and diamond rings. I don’t know much about the State of California’s Revenue Service but, from what PLR tells me about phone calls she’s received from them if a hedge fund’s five-figure tax payment is short one figure (seriously) I sincerely doubt they’d not notice a business accepting five-carat diamond rings in lieu of payment for services rendered. The whole thing was just so far over the top that by the end I pretended to be watching a Jason Statham movie. Then it was OK. And, ultimately, I don’t know if I believe that rich people would stand out in public if they knew they were being threatened. I think they’d probably hire a P.I. and hide home.

Regardless, it looks like they wanted to make a weekly Bond movie for television. The credits are even reminiscent of the opening of a bond movie and cast of 3 guys and the rotating array of hot “Chance” girls. Taken just as that, it’s not bad.

Following Ronald Moore’s relatively big success with Battlestar Galactica’s re-imagining on the Sci-Fi Network, the newly rebranded SyFy Network gave him the greenlight to create a prequel. As for myself, I’ve expressed love for BSG many times and, as Moore’s the guy who wrote the best series finale of all time, I’ll obviously give the new show a look. According the opening scene, Caprica is set “58 Years Before The Fall”. If I have my timeline correct, that places it 18 years before the First Cylon War and, as mentioned, 58 years before the events of the previous series. That’s really all I know since I don’t really watch SyFy (even, sadly, for ECW) so I haven’t seen previews. From what I understand, the show prequels the Cylon war — where the Cylons came from, where the skinjobs came from, and, apparently, where Bill Adama came from.

As an aside, this is the first thing I’ve watched on my spankin’ new HDTV and full surround set-up. Glorious. Thanks, Panasonic!

The Good

• The pilot makes the series look as though it’s covering a lot of the same ground just covered on Dollhouse. Zoe (Alessandra Torresani) figures out a way to download herself on to their version of the Internet. She hides her avatar at the V-Club, a teenager-filled sex club where teens can live out every experience possible and one new girl who’s constantly there will make no difference. Zoe also codes in a locked room only accessible by her, her copy, and her two friends where the avatar can hide out. It’s not really clear how the V-Club is governed. Her father, Dr. Graystone (Eric Stoltz), says it was hacked together by kids. Whether that’s legal or not, I have no idea. The V-Club Avatar contains all her knowledge: “the human brain holds about 100 terabytes of data. It’s almost nothing.” It is, in essence, her identical digital copy. Following the real-world Zoe’s death, the digital copy gives her “father” a speech about how the human brain — and this may sound familiar — is just a database full of information. But when that’s coupled with all the information stored about a person throughout the world (which, in Moore’s way, leads to a 60-second recitation of a creepy laundry list of how much personal information about us is stored elsewhere and available to the world — shopping habits, clothes purchases, medical records, food habits, police records, surveillance footage, etc) an exact copy of someone, who thinks they ARE someone, could be created.
• Even with Zoe’s effective speech, her father takes the next obvious step of downloading it in to a cybernetic body. According to him, the human brain is just “storage and access. Zoe already figured out how to copy the storage.” Dr. Graystone is the creator of the Holoband; BSG’s version of the Holodeck. It’s the even better version of the Holodeck as the user can realistically experience anything without leaving his couch. While he’s describing his resurrection plan to Joseph Adama (Esai Morales, Bill Adama’s father) he says that if a person looks like who they’re supposed to be and thinks they’re who they’re supposed to be, who exactly are we to tell them they’re not who they’re supposed to be? In the marketing of the Holobands, they say “if there doesn’t look to be a difference, then it’s a difference that doesn’t matter, so there is no difference.” Later, in his philosophical debate with Adama, who believes this is unnatural in wrong, Graystone says: “You mean only the gods have power over life and death. I reject that notion.” And, really, that’s everything that’s going on here. The gods (or circumstance) took his daughter away and he’s going to bring her back. Is it unnatural to use technology to create a carbon copy that thinks, looks, and acts like a loved one? Add another chapter to the Star Trek: The Next Generation debate of whether or not Data constitutes life and robot rights.

The Bad

• I think my biggest issue with the series in general is that we 1) know how Battlestar ended and 2) know which religious group is right. We know Dr. Graystone is going to be successful in creating Cylons and we already, after the pilot, know why they’re going to end up programmed with the belief in the one true God. I’m already not really sure what’s left to cover in the series. Thus the problem with prequels.
• Extended from that: we already know the monotheistic terrorists are correct in the BSG universe as evidenced by Balthar and Six walking around Times Square at the end of the series. So, who are the bad guys? The Disciples Of The One really ARE following the right path… and that path leads to blowing up a train full of innocent people? Who are leading to society’s downfall because they’re using the Holobands for a technologically advanced form of masturbation and video games? I found this confusing.
• So, let me get this straight — Joe Adama delivers a threatening message to the Caprican Minister Of Defense in the morning. And that night his brother breaks in to the Minister’s house and kills him with daggers. And that’s just it? No questioning of Adama? I’m supposed to believe that the Minister of Defense, who made passing reference to Joe Adama that he knew what kind of slimy operators the Taurons run, either did not take any steps to defend himself or Sam Adama is SO good at what he does he broke in to the “Secretary Of Defense”’s house and killed him undetected by anyone? I had a bit of trouble with belief suspension there. I understand the Taurons are supposed to be the Twelve Colonies’ version of mobsters but really?

The Rest

I get what Moore is trying to communicate in the world created by the Holoband. He has respect enough for his audience to not employ the Sledgehammer of Plot ™. He does state the obvious. The obvious line from Dr. Graystone: “those were for adults.” And the obvious response from his daughter’s program: “you people can justify it however you want. You can’t see the world is falling down around you because you’re too busy and too arrogant.” I even get the V-Club’s ties to the the whole “anything goes” aspect to the fall of Rome and, yes, the path we are on in the United States. Adults created the Holoband, the porn companies made it profitable, kids cracked it for their own use, and it’s leading to the corruption of youth. Sound like any (or every) other entertainment medium?

But still, I understand why Dr. Graystone created the Holoband world… and I even understand why he is using what his daughter did to try and re-create her. What I don’t understand is why Zoe decided to create a copy of herself within the confines of the Internet to grow and learn and be unaffected by the murder of people and why, exactly, if her boyfriend was in on this plan why he end her work. She was clearly more important to their movement then the guy who recruited her (her boyfriend, who eventually led her to the Soldiers Of The One) and it made no sense that he would put her on the train and kill her. I understand the writers needed her dead for plot reasons but it felt wrong to me somehow. I don’t know if they’ll ever revisit this or if it’s just loosely-written on-ramp to the real plot: her father creating Cylons with her brain somewhere in the matrix of their stolen technology.

Definitely good enough to replace my Dollhouse recording on Friday nights. I expect a few angry comparisons from Whedon fans about liberal lifting on concepts but, ultimately, Moore made the better move by sticking with SyFy. Dollhouse should have been a CW show from its inception. It would still be on if that was the case.

AFC — New York Jets +8 at Indianapolis Colts: I picked this game for the Pulse Sports Roundtable. I wrote on Monday: Here’s the weird thing: the Jets match up better with the Colts then they’re being credited for. Then, somewhere along the line, all the shows started picking the Jets. Is it possible that the Jets can no longer play the “No One Believed In Us” Card following their free pass in to the playoffs? Regardless, I can’t change now. I still see this game as the Jets annoying Peyton Manning by cutting off the field, totally destroying the run at the line, and recreating circa 2005 Happyfeet Playoff Manning. And besides, I can’t get over the idea of the Football Gods visiting karmic retribution on the Colts for forfeiting the Jets in to the playoffs. I said it last week and I say it now. Jets 24-Colts 20, Jets fans become insufferable for the next two weeks, Super Bowl tickets shoot to $11,000 for upper deck.

NFC — Minnesota Vikings +3.5 at New Orleans Saints: Confidential to Bootleg and Joe: There is no such thing as running up the score on the Cowboys — there is only beating them by more points. Besides, the Cowboys are not allowed to refer to any other player as “classless” while that cheating, dirty, leg-whipping piece of rat feces Flozell Adams is still drawing a paycheck from Jerry Jones. Maybe my Cowboys-hate just overrules the Favre-hate. I digress. I have a buddy who is the only Saints fan I know, and he’ll be impossible to deal with should the Saints win the Super Bowl. That’s not really the reason I can’t root for the Saints here. The culprit there is my lingering hatred of Jeremy Shockey. Besides, I do think the Vikings just have better personnel and, well, isn’t it about time for an Adrian Peterson playoff coming out party? As difficult of a time I’m having with picking both road teams in the Championship games… I have to do it. Vikings 38, Saints 31. Sorry, Matt. Favre, Jets, Media!